But What About Me

I was told by a colleague that for any matters that may arise and provoke some individuals to bark despite at the wrong tree, just keep quiet. As long as the barking one is happy, then let them be.

But what about me?
I am not happy at all.

If this is a fierce animal passing by and our lives are at stake, perhaps that's the best way to it.
But aren't we professionals in our job and everyone is hired to do theirt job regardless of hierarchy?

To most of their understanding, our aim is to please. Because we are paid employees.
Yes, I am a Paid employee. being paid to do my job, to excel in my job and hopefully sharpen my skills and eventually being able to bring me up the corporate ladder and of course contribute to the progress of an organisation - where I am being paid.
Not to stand by the side and see if others need a help to undress their panty just because they cannot go to the toilet unassisted (hypothetically)..

Just what about me and what I want in life too?
Besides trying to please others who are more keen to let the day dwindle and live the rest of their life sucking off with no proper skill?

I don't know.
I just cannot live to please people just so they can shut their mouth and provide some peace to the whole scene.

No, this is not the way.
This is not how an office run.

Just what about me?

Have a Piece of My Cake please

I have a confession to make.
Yes, once in a while I do have a 5 figure commision
With a 4 figure salary only by the way

So what do you do with a sudden sum of money flooding in?
There's plan to upgrade to a new notebook
A new tablet
And new workdesk perhaps.

But
I haven't been doing a lot of decent deeds.
I won't term them good deeds.
Because I am not a very good person to begin with.
But I always believe there are things that you just need to share out.
Wealth especially.

I am not wealthy.
Not at all
But I would like to think that I will have enough to share out
For those in need
Really in need I mean.





Note: do you notice my full stops and non-fullstops.. I am very discreet

Relucent

Out of nowhere, there is this almost unrelated matter that come crossing to my mind while I was having dinner tonight. 

I realised I no longer bear as much grudge and anger in me when I hear about inequality at work. About how unfair one is to another. About how some people are taking the work place as a caring home rather than a proper working space for the purpose of self development.

I no longer care that an Assistant Manager will have executives under them on the pretext that they have so much under their arm that their arms can grow fat. And so they will need to hire more irrelevant people to assist in growing lazier. And fatter.

I no longer care that I, as a Manager have to work everything on my own and later be blamed of not being able to finish my work. And that I have spent so much time on doing small little things that could have been done by others. I once looked around and try to decipher who are these 'others' they are referring to. 

I no longer care about even asking for help to do any piece of shit, The last I asked a favour to find a piece of paper on my desk, all I got was a piece of text messages asking me not to give instruction to their employee to do my personal work. And that if I need to, I will need to get permission. To move a leg of others. Okay. Perhaps, going over to my desktop and look for a piece of quotation is something too personal for me to even ask a favour of. Fine. I will gladly get it done once I get back from meeting. All I need to do is to manage my hungry client's expectation and inform them everyone in the office are bound to own-desk policy and won't be able to lift anything else from their colleagues' desk. Fine.

I no longer care on the whereabout of these species who vehemently, dedicate and persistently insisted that everyone-fucking-homosapiens related to sales will need to beep their whereabout in a group chat. And they themselves failed terribly and shamefully to even follow own initiatives. Leadership by example they call this.

I no longer would want to waste my 3 seconds looking at someone's face trying to understand them or their problems. By all mean, go die on your own if you must insist.

It's a cycle that I go thru. Day in. Day out. But today.. I realised I seriously have no sensation to my heart. 2 months back when I come across these situation, my chest turn red, and I feel a certain heat emanating from the inside. All that I feel like doing now is to rub my stomach and think of what I want to eat for lunch.

I have come to realisation. Why must I care? It is never a responsibility of a single person to move an organisation. An if a tree comes with rotten roots, let me just be the passing pussy, urinating by the side and leave.  I am not going to be the pussy who will be bothered to dig out some sand and leave some breathing space for the dying root. 

I always have a dream. To be like that woman I saw in Aveda workshop. Confidently reading out the brand's vision and mission without even looking at the slide. With her head held high and her hand gesturing all the visions of the brand, she seemed so convinced and I am totally so convinced seeing how one can actually be so attached to the organisation's beliefs. 

That is what I want to be.

I am becoming a relucent.

And the above were written some time back......a couple of week back I think.
The Asst manager was very short lived.. LOL!

Okay lah... I actually love my job, to be honest.
I gave in a lot of my time and effort. I love problem solving those sometimes confronting customers is a BIG challenge. Sometimes it turn into fear.
But all in I love the cycle.

Things are not getting any better aside from these daily work related stuff.
I think it's not me. It really isn't me.

Family and friends oriented organisation just don't work. Some does, WHEN they have the same vision. But when you have people of different vision, never perceive that things will go as what you envision.
IMHO la....

I am hoping for a change for myself for 2016.
I really cannot be stuck in this place where all they are bothered with is how good are you saying YES to every other request be it relevant or not.

This is a very messy post.. because I do not want to waste part of what I have written =D

Coming up with a wrap up of 2016 very soon!

Eat Me Alive

This is not a new thing.
I have always been planning to leave.
One day.
One fine day.

I think everyone will come to a stage of wanting to leave the mundane, stress contributing rat race that they are in and settle for something lesser in psychology burden before they really do collapse mentally, physically, entirely.

My arm, shoulder, back and fingers are numb.
I think it's some muscle spasm. It's been a week I have trouble consistently putting my hand on the desk trying to reply emails. My emotion is so low. It's like working in great enduring pain.
I don't know if it's the pain of the swollen muscle or merely the stress of having to turn up to this stage with a crowd I am not comfortable with.

I cannot stretch my hand at work. The width of the banquet table where I am seated doesn't permit that. I will be crossing the border to another person's desktop.
I felt the cramp, the close proximity and the uneasiness of this destined spot of mine.
I guess I ought to be grateful. Because people around me are sane. On the othwer end of this crowded community, it's crazy.
But I am not happy.

Merely a servant to the divine clan.
Merely an existence.
Merely a presence for survival.

I am not happy.
That rewards are based on how well you fare in abiding to nonsensical request,
I don't take nonsense as part of my work.
You go figure the outcome.

Everyday, it's eating me up.
With people making decision based on personal favour.
With decision bearing ridiculous personal growth.
I think I have been stunted.
In my believe to self worth, to passion and to live.

I am not happy.

Eat me alive.

RM20 note and some food

These are some of my much loved vinyls that I have beside my desk. It keeps me sane. 

Underneath both of them is a 20 ringgit note given to me to buy myself a cuppa coffee. 

3 months back, if the money comes onto my hand, I think I will not hesitate to walk over to the branded coffee store and get myself a cuppa for real.

 I stared at this piece of note for a moment.

20 ringgit

Can buy me a cuppa that cost me  for RM14 if I want delicious tasting one

Or RM9 for a cuppa so-so cappucino or latte.

20 ringgit 

Cannot buy me, the girl next to me, the girl in front of me and the girl 2 seats aways from me the same kinda coffee that I wanted from the branded store.

So I put it aside, to be safekept by my vinyls. Because, tomorrow will be Thursday and there will be a Buy1 Free 1 promo at Chatime =D

With that, all 4 of us can have a cup each =D

Happy!

Then there was this person in the same agency who came back with some food.

It was a big bag. No one was really hungry, but I guess there needs to be some diplomatic act once in a while to foster some relationship yada yada. With a luxury bag the cost of 4 clerks' wages and a big bag of food, she took out selectively for selected individual. I took no notice but there was some fumbling communication. And out of this group of 4 person, 2 were given food, another were given food too, and another did not get any. Guess who did not get any? *guess lah!* 

'I really did not mean to look at what was happening, and I guess we caught glances and there were no other choices but to hand out some for me too. This is just too embarrassing." so says the other one who were not mean to be part of the elite team who got handouts. LOL!

'Oh well, at least u got! I got nothing.' so I said.

It really isn't about the handout.

But from this I have learnt. I 

The old typical Chinese me from way back may behave in such manner too - having selective preference and distastefully show it to others for the mean of belittling people.

It would be so fun to look at the reaction of those who did not get to be in the 'selected peers'.

perhaps thats what's embedded in the mind of those who do such act.

Then I tried to recall how I treated Mirza and the rest of my batik team mates.

Wait! I just realised I have never practise such act. In return, I still have these girls contacting me after so many years, I guess I must have done a pretty good job.

Then I asked myself. Here I am, if I put myself in the position as someone from the receiving end but was the odd one out, what is this person expecting of my reaction?

I have no answer.

But at the end of this observation, I am pretty much relieved with how I handle  this and how this has affected me.

I pass this whole scene of with a smile of profoundness. That I am one step forward to becoming a leader. Despite a lot of my weakness. A miniscule step but slowly progressing.

I have realised how much a human person I am against these who have opted to not see beyond the ir shoulder of nepotism. 

And with this, I hope one day I will be able to gain respect from others despite my profanity. Because I choose to see each one as a human whom I will value equally, As long as I can afford.

I was always reminded that I am not there yet. That I am not on par. That I do not fit the corporate scheme. Because of my loudness, my profanity perhaps. 

And today I have just found someone who definitely does not fit in at all. As a leader, as a role model. Not me, sorry.

So I said to the girl who is a lil' disturbed, "It's OK, tomorrow's Chatime will be on me. Someone gave me RM20 and we can share!

'Nah nah nah!!! You say one ah!!!

Yup ;")

Why Don't I Get a Cuppa?

"Those girls above the floor got branded coffee"
"Those operation people at the floor below us got coffee, but the cheaper version"
"Why we don't get a cuppa? What are we?"

And the girl seated next to me asked. For once, I don't have a definite answer.

"Perhaps, if I put this in a metaphor - there's a bunch of stray dogs and there are some with cute faces and then there are those with dirty hair, so they get different treatment by passerby."

"OK, so what category are we?"

I really do not have an answer to pacify her restlessness.

"Well, perhaps you are under the category of dogs with flees, nobody wanna even give you a look."

So she rolled her eyes and wasn't pleased with my reply but continued her work.

"You know? It's not really about me not getting a cuppa, but why the segregation of some who got higher end ones, some lower end grades one and some NONE!?"

To which I remarked;

"If you feel under-appreciated and not rewarded for a mere cuppa, always tell yourself to be better than those who get a cuppa merely because someone decides to be generous and give out hand-out. You are worth more than a cuppa handout! And after all, if this is BR1M, I am sure we don't need it" 

"You are so right!" 

:)

"You know what? Let's get each of us a set of Grand Chicken Burger from McDonalds. On the company! And let's go for a round of shave ice sometime this week. All of us here at this floor ok?"

"Oh yes!"

Human, I am beginning to feel sane handling them.

Fake it till you make it

I was looking forward to the long holiday.

Because I thought I will do some serious doll play.

As in, taking out my dolls, and play with them on a more serious note.

I didn't take any out. Only went to collect 2 preloved Ever After High dolls I bought off from a friend.

I am  tired.  3/4 of the holidays are spent on the bed. I don't know how I did it. But yeah - I am tired.

It doesn't have to take a genius to wake me up from all my negative thoughts - of going to work, of seeing the people I do not wish to deal with and of meeting deadlines and KPIs. 

I guess I sort of know that things won't go to a better side if I keep dwelling on it.

I missed the interview to Air Asia. This is most probably the only opportunity I have ever come across that have really made me sleepless as I really really seriously want to be attached to a multi-national firm. 

As corporate as I may sound, but no, I have always been attached to SMEs. Nevertheless, the amount is shit hurled at me while being in SMEs does bring in a lot of benefits. Because you sort of know how to make use of shits, putting each and every resources to good use. 

On a brighter note, perhaps my time is not up yet. One day... just one day, I am pretty confident that I will make it up somewhere, if not heaven or hell. Let me feel the corporate air!!!!

Less than 10 hours before I start a new week at work. And the piles of documents on the desk seems untouched. Damn! I really needa change my blog content! All I can write is the amount of workload I have - incomplete somemore.

On a random note, this year I will be hitting 36 years old. Freaking scary that nothing can be done to turn back time and my wardrobe is full of girly stuff that I reluctantly want to dispose. 

There is so much I have yet to achieve and so much more to do. I wish I have all the time to get everything ticked off the to-do list.

I guess, for now I can't do much but to fake it till I make it and hope that tomorrow will sail smoothly.

are you happy?

Shortest of Short

I am back.
From a short trip.
I think I forgot to do like what most metropolitan people do.
They have a getaway.
Away form the ill pressure of work, ponder and come back afresh.

Magnify your life a lil bit in Sugar Honey

It's a Sunday evening now.

I felt that I didn't do enough in life.

So much worry, so much concern.

It didn't felt like the trip did me any good.

Because I am still overpouring with emotion.

That I am fat (though hot), incompetent (cus I can never finish my work) 

No, I didn't want to go back to work in less than 12 hours time.

Not forever, but just for the moment.

I am not done yet.

Too Long

1.24pm  : "You haven't blog in so long"

And that was just exactly what I had in mind when Sha-Lene messaged me just a while ago.

Spent RM600 nearly on drinks with 2 of my friends, in a drinking pub, with lots of people, noisy band and persuasive waiters hoping to get your next order.

Perhaps the band was good but the loud tune bear so much resemblance to things I have been hearing at work - screaming and screeching at one another to get things done.
It was non-stop music - exactly like the non-stop complaints and complaints at work.

The food was good enough, as a reminder that nothing can escape the brutal GST.

I woke up each day, sitting on the edge of the bed and staring straight ahead to that corner where all my dolls stand. To each with their own deep expression, staring blanklessly into the messy room they are forced to reside in, letting the stale air brushing on their polymer hair. As they stare, I stare and it bring us back to nowhere but merely an empty stare. Liddat lor...

I am tired. Of the assassination at work. The continuous rumble of words from each and everyone of them who think they are the best. The dumbfounded expression I have to face when I ask "Have you ever thought thru before you ask me such silly retard question?"

So much I wanted to rant, so much I wanted to forget. Nothing was to be etched on and labelled 'memories'. I have never thought of making a turn back or 'if-fing' my statement wishing that it should be of a different turn. I just need to walk ahead.

Two presentation to go, a couple of a couple of blog posts, a whole catalogues of products, 3 raw staff to face, 1 relatively hard boss to face and another wannabe-boss to deal with....

I.can.do.it.just.hang.on

A plastic being

my job and sometimes life sucks
everyday i have to suck it up and tread on
so i buy dolls to stand in front of me
to put in my bag, my car and everywhere
so that it can distract me from feeling damn low, like now
so that i can have some quiet moment and free from bossy instruction

they are like classy cats
they pose like a queen
they turn their heads like a renaissance model
they just mind their own business
while u watch and stare and play with their classy hair
like a classy queen cat with no grudge
that's what they are

she is my new addition to the family
which i just got via mail
and i refused to stare long at her
because i want to go home, have a shower and sit down
and let her be the queen
so i can admire, be impressed and be in full awe
of her awesomeness

we have no fate to be together
cus i lost her in less than 8 hours of getting her
it's not the money i felt losses for
it's like losing a new friend that i have known slightly and about to know all
because i have seen her for afar for many months
it's about losing this pillar of comfort
at that very time when i feel so low at work that i need a system support to my soul

u don't get it
u just don't get it

At Your Service

It was just yesterday when that man-made lion made a materialistic entrance to the office entrance.
The Chinese staff kept 'molesting' the tiger head, believing that it will bring more auspicious blessing.
The Indian staff have their smart (and non smart) phone all in camera mode, snapping 99 pictures of the same scene within 2 minutes - because it's a damn big cat that one will never be able to see. Except during Chinese New Year.

Seriously, I hate those specimen of cat-lion. It comes with battery operated forehead by the way.
Alot of the Chinese people at work do not understand why I despise it. I do not understand why they bother to think so deep why I am against it.
They just don't understand why I refused to put an orange and an angpau packet filled with money - to be blessed by the cat-lion.
And I just don't understand why they die-die also want the cat-lion (with 2 boys maneuvering it) to crack open a mandarin orange and collect the angpau underneath it. The cat-lion team is paid a hefty sum btw.

We were never on the same channel. I don't think I will ever be on the same radar anyway.
I miss the smell of corporatism. I miss the need to be seen and to see. I have the slightest interest to make a man-made cat-lion to bless me thru  out the year. I wanna be in a power suit doing presentation, holding a pointer or something of that like lah!!

It's the 7th day of Lunar New Year. New or not doesn't bring me much impact. But it was what I did today that make me fall apart.
I spent 85% of my time doing other's work. Because sometimes somehow, like fate is bestow upon us, we meet people who will just give us work. Their work. Some work. Extra work. And then they question you why can't you meet deadline. Then you can't retort back with, 'But it's not even my work. I am not a Customer Service Officer, nor am I a data entry clerk, or a clergyman helping you to do you whatever work that you cannot complete.'

No, we can't. It doesn't work that way.
So we take up the pile and we do.
Then we look at our own pile.
2 more days till deadline.
Nobody cares, I supposed no one remembers that I actually do have my own work scope given that I was paid a salary to perform a certain job skills set.

I want to start the year fresh.
I told myself to suck it in.
Because I can do it.
I will do it.
better than anyone else,
but it seems to be looking like an abuse by then.

I have been working on some seriously shit boring costing sheet for 2 days..
Only for the laptop to go sideway and not able to recognise the file and it went unsaved.
It broke me down. Real hard.
The re-do process was no doubt faster than when I first learnt the formulas needed to do that damn annoying Excel sheet.
But I was running out of my own time, to do my own things
Because when tomorrow comes, I gotta do things again.
For every other people but my own things..

The cat-lion made it's way to every workstation, searching for mandarin oranges with a stash of angpau below it.
It came to my station. Too many documents on the desk and no angpau to be seen. It nodded in displeasure and left.
It went to the room opposite.
On the table was a big fat mandarin orange, With a juicier angpau the size of a Samsung Galaxy Note 4.
The damn cat was prancing and wriggling it's materialistic ass all around, like a middle aged woman who have found a young man to bed. It pranced so long onto the desk, giving it's blessing (via a cat head manned by a boy), that I had time to time it.

I guess the boy in the cat-lion head had to do it.
It's his job.
So is mine.
At least he was smart enough to leave when there's no angpau on my desk.

Half of January gone!

All my weekend are spent on napping. Waking up and nibbled on some biscuits and nap again.
Then it's back to the work station.

I do think hard.
I seriously do.
Why the hell am I not able to finish up any work ever?

Took half a day off.
Cancelled that half day.
Forgot someone coming for interview.
FINE.

Wanted to sew a doll's dress for my lil' monsters.
E mails, text messages keep coming.
Request, instructions. pleas

Thought I need to pen down all work in the to-do list.
Stretched till March 2015.
It's only Jan 2015 now.

I am slowly phasing out from human interaction.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to talt to.
To rant, gossip without the political intent to kill
To tell stories of stupidity and to ignite some determination.

I have been avoiding making proper sentences over here
Cus it may not end
I haven't been to YSK for the past 2 weeks
I wonder if the domain still exist

I am tired
Just tired
Without even a full stop

no, i am not kidding

bitch 

how's my impression as the FLOM?

Fake

I just had to rant this out.
I wanted to do this on my Facebook wall, but then the risk of getting a warning is high XD

Its 1am now and am in my nook preparing 2015 sales forecast and projection.
Nothing much to project anyway because 2014 was really sucky and 80% of my time is spent on things I couldn't identify at work.

I needed to get some data to do this shit.
I have no data :/
I don't know where to start.

So I started to ponder why didn't I get any datas when everyone is having it.
It brings me back to this place that I really hate.
Maybe not the place, but you people!
Yes, you people who have contributed to my depression.

When all your faces appear in my mind, my stomach gets bloated.
My arms are hurting.
I don't know how long my jaw can stand from sending out fake smiles and acknowledging your presence.

Anyway, I am going to leave all nitty gritty of your work to yourselves. All I want this year in the office is to ward off all you people from my life.
I have diverted too much from the realm that I want to achieve. It's going no where. I am not blaming any of you.
It was me. It was me who have ignited these hurt onto myself by taking the negative potion out of your group of people.

Starting afresh, I just hope to gain back my momentum and not to be immersed into the cultures that all of you have cultivated.
No, not me. I don't belong to these typical culture derived from this particular area of the country.

OK, I am done and now back to work!

TODAY - 2015 Day 1

Nope, not going to have any new year resolution because 2 weeks after I REALLY did write down any, it's washed off my mind anyway.

All I really really secretly want is to go back to a size 12.
Yes, I want a 39" butt and that's it. Nothing more. I wanna be able to wear skint tight dresses like a super bitch. OK, now it's no longer a secret.

The whole of 2014 has been nothing but a series of depression mainly due to work. And I tell you, once depression hits, it takes damn a very long time to get back on track to being even slightly positive. It just doesn't seem to have anything much to look forward to. I am mentally drained and physically bloating!

I supposed there isn't anyone to be blamed unto except myself. Perhaps I am just not good at what I do. I think.

Procrastination, de-focus and attempting to multi-task just ain't gonna work.

I am secretly hoping to make some changes. On my own.

For this new year, see no resolution from me. All I wish to do is to start to read alot, document my daily task and hope that I will be able to create a healthier habit at life, at work and generally just hoping that I will survive another year with more ups than down. (this is so no me!)

Yeah, I think my objective in life is getting less complex when life hits 35. All I want to do is to be able to finish up my work, go home and do some miniature stuff for my dolls, add some dolls to my collection, buy lots of dresses and maintaining looking hot and I want to do all this with no worries :)



Happy New Year.