Relucent

Out of nowhere, there is this almost unrelated matter that come crossing to my mind while I was having dinner tonight. 

I realised I no longer bear as much grudge and anger in me when I hear about inequality at work. About how unfair one is to another. About how some people are taking the work place as a caring home rather than a proper working space for the purpose of self development.

I no longer care that an Assistant Manager will have executives under them on the pretext that they have so much under their arm that their arms can grow fat. And so they will need to hire more irrelevant people to assist in growing lazier. And fatter.

I no longer care that I, as a Manager have to work everything on my own and later be blamed of not being able to finish my work. And that I have spent so much time on doing small little things that could have been done by others. I once looked around and try to decipher who are these 'others' they are referring to. 

I no longer care about even asking for help to do any piece of shit, The last I asked a favour to find a piece of paper on my desk, all I got was a piece of text messages asking me not to give instruction to their employee to do my personal work. And that if I need to, I will need to get permission. To move a leg of others. Okay. Perhaps, going over to my desktop and look for a piece of quotation is something too personal for me to even ask a favour of. Fine. I will gladly get it done once I get back from meeting. All I need to do is to manage my hungry client's expectation and inform them everyone in the office are bound to own-desk policy and won't be able to lift anything else from their colleagues' desk. Fine.

I no longer care on the whereabout of these species who vehemently, dedicate and persistently insisted that everyone-fucking-homosapiens related to sales will need to beep their whereabout in a group chat. And they themselves failed terribly and shamefully to even follow own initiatives. Leadership by example they call this.

I no longer would want to waste my 3 seconds looking at someone's face trying to understand them or their problems. By all mean, go die on your own if you must insist.

It's a cycle that I go thru. Day in. Day out. But today.. I realised I seriously have no sensation to my heart. 2 months back when I come across these situation, my chest turn red, and I feel a certain heat emanating from the inside. All that I feel like doing now is to rub my stomach and think of what I want to eat for lunch.

I have come to realisation. Why must I care? It is never a responsibility of a single person to move an organisation. An if a tree comes with rotten roots, let me just be the passing pussy, urinating by the side and leave.  I am not going to be the pussy who will be bothered to dig out some sand and leave some breathing space for the dying root. 

I always have a dream. To be like that woman I saw in Aveda workshop. Confidently reading out the brand's vision and mission without even looking at the slide. With her head held high and her hand gesturing all the visions of the brand, she seemed so convinced and I am totally so convinced seeing how one can actually be so attached to the organisation's beliefs. 

That is what I want to be.

I am becoming a relucent.

And the above were written some time back......a couple of week back I think.
The Asst manager was very short lived.. LOL!

Okay lah... I actually love my job, to be honest.
I gave in a lot of my time and effort. I love problem solving those sometimes confronting customers is a BIG challenge. Sometimes it turn into fear.
But all in I love the cycle.

Things are not getting any better aside from these daily work related stuff.
I think it's not me. It really isn't me.

Family and friends oriented organisation just don't work. Some does, WHEN they have the same vision. But when you have people of different vision, never perceive that things will go as what you envision.
IMHO la....

I am hoping for a change for myself for 2016.
I really cannot be stuck in this place where all they are bothered with is how good are you saying YES to every other request be it relevant or not.

This is a very messy post.. because I do not want to waste part of what I have written =D

Coming up with a wrap up of 2016 very soon!