Sometime

Sometimes

It's better off to be true to yourself
And speak the truth
And not let the lies deceit you
And those you trying hard to deceive

Sometimes

You are not always right
I am not always this
They are not always that
We are never always what is presumed
But we have never stop assuming


Sometimes

What you expect is not what I want
What I want is not what you expect
What is expected is far from reality
Beyond expectation
But the expectation never stop


Sometimes

I try to look at things
With a zest of passion
A pinch of positivity
And an ounce of excitement
Only to receive the biggest fall never expected

Sometimes

I ask myself very often
If my sanity remains
If I am awake
From the episodes
After episodes
That I am not even keen to watch

Kickin' in a pair of Sandals

nd today I am going random.
Let's talk about sandals..shoes, slippers whatever you are comfortable at.

Women who are getting tired of wearing those killer high heels to the office, to dinner dates or even on a day out with friends should consider something more comfortable like sandals. Sandals are the perfect substitute for the ladies who want to relax their feet while still looking stylish all day long in their footwear. However, women can create various stunning looks with the trendy sandals available in the market. There are three simple ways where women can walk confidently out to town wearing sandals. For the ladies who want to avoid wearing high heels or platform wedges with their maxi dresses can definitely switch it up with a strappy sandal. This look will not only maintain your feminine aura but also allows you to enjoy a leisure day with comfort.

Meanwhile, if you are the type of women who loves wearing flip flops to the supermarket, coffee shop or even during the weekends, sandals will be the perfect choice to spice up your casual look. Wear it with denim jeans, shorts or even a pair of leggings and show off those fabulous sandals without having a sloppy appearance in public.

The supermarket flip flop :D

Other than that, women can also style their sandals with a nice jumpsuit. Select a jumpsuit which gives a nice proportionate balance to your body figure and pair it with a matching sandal. The jumpsuit+sandal are perfect for that smart casual attempt to work or a lunch date with the special someone. Feel comfortable in the sandal flats while enjoying your day pleasantly. If you are interested in adding some new pair of sandals for women, check out ZALORA as it is an online shopping website which offers an extensive range of women sandals online from various well-known brands.

Like a piece of stubborn rubber

You walk the talk

On the grainy carpet

On the sandy beaches

On the gravel road

Like a best friend

To the pasar malam

To the pasar pagi

You fend off all obstacles

Like a Fendi of it's own class.

This place filthered with chinese chauvinist

Everyday I have to ask myself why do I want to cramp myself in this hole of delusion impacting my life with all the negative vibes from arrogant amateurs....with no structures, no standards and no guidelines, in life, in every steps of work.
Work flow is just a name with no definition.
SOP is merely an abbreviation with no meaning.

I cry. Not because i cannot cope.
I cry because I have belittled myself with all these negative amusement and let it eat me up.
I can no longer have any positive vibes. Not even with my immaculate skills in levelling up my make up skills.
No I am still not at ease. I felt like a westerner amidst a group of mahjong-playing old man clad in weary singlet.
I do not feel a class higher. Get me no wrong.
But I feel the compression mode of denial in them. Refusing to budge, not able to spell out the vision thye claim to uphold. It's a whole scene of fakeness.
It has eaten up my passion to excel.
It has drown me from wanting to be the best.
All I can do now is - do if need to, do if forced to. otherwise, stop and don't nudge.
This is not me.
Definitely not the me I used to know.
I don't undertsnad what is holding me back.
I think it must be the 2 Prada I commited for 12 months.
Otherwise, I would want to spread my wings and leave this imbecile group of specimen to let them be in their undisturbed reign. I want to be me again. The better side of me.

One word to all of u - Fuck You.

Cannibals oh Cannibals

It was a show. A scripted show not done flawlessly.
I stood aside watching. It was a really bad show. I am not impressed watching.
With a group of predator, hoping to oust another the black sheep out of the safari.

It's a game that I don't think I want to be in.
Where cannibals eat cannibals.
Life.

I Cannot Breathe

For the longest time, I had never had lunch on my own on a working day. In public. On my own.

I cannot breathe after months.

I cannot hold on to the stream of tears.

Every single time when my head bow down to a bowl of noodles, there's stream of voices from the rest of them talking and talking and talking.

About work, About how bad is work. About how bad is she, he, them.

Everytime I place a spoon nearer to my mouth I get voices commenting the soup is bad (yet they consume it), the food is bland (yet they consume it), the food is not up to their taste (yet they consume it).

Every single seconds there's voices radiating, as long as I am in the company of some companies. 

And everytime I just had to swallow each mouthful with a wisp of air. Because I have to oepn my mouth to acknowledge these voices.

Perhaps age is catching. I am tired. I no longer am keen to know if the girl next cubicle is not following a certain SOP. Wait. Not to say I am not keen. But I cannot have anymore of these streaming to my ear. Because it works like a catalyst. That evokes the emotion in me. 

As of now, it has built up so much that I no longer have the drive to ... well.. drive on.

I yearn to learn from people who have seen the world.

But I get to work along the line of people who have been here for the past 15 years and has never been out.

I yearn to have creative inputs and outputs.

But all I got to do is to make sure the latest phone for the season (every phone for every season looked the same to me) gets up in the client's newsletter. 

Not being able to visualise a crafted Australian artisan soap seated in a Mondrian inspired China made ware or conceptualising jaw-dropping story line to any marketing campaign is slowly killing my creative juice. In fact, I am all dried up.

I have nothing but tears to shed. 

It's beginning to show, The littlest to almost a very tiny slimy chance that I will be able to follow the likes of the rest of these happy-ever-after clan in their comfort zone. Totally not comfortable at all.

I had no room to breathe. I feel stupid conforming to things that I cannot make sense of. I forced myself to abide. But I am building up anger so much so that the tiniest of my gesture reflects that. The room to breathe is getting lesser. The room to burn is building up. 

I had to sit in the loo and cry.

I had to drive home and cry unknowingly.

I have to put up quotes while crying as I type.

I had to sit in the car and cry before I start work.

I cannot breathe.

Like cancer cells mutilating at such speed I can no longer contain.

I have never felt so burnt up ever in my entire working profession.

I no longer know what I do.

All I do now is to do up whatever everyone do.

All I do now is to do up the sedentary work.

All I do now is to take up instruction and do.

All I do now is to get nagged at other people's wrong decision.

All I do now is to stare, do, stare do whatever that comes.

I had to cry. 

Because I realised I am no longer me. 

All I ever think of is to slit my wrist in front of all these patriarch of menial work and hope they are satisfied that I am now a total crushed out frame of no emotion. 

All I ever do now is to go home, and cry in the shower, as if I was raped.

Raped by the situation, leaving me in total loneliness and a total empty soul.

Today I was told to confine myself and my work in my 1.2 meter mobile work desk as they intend to put someone else next to my desk.

From adesk with 6 seats and none is occupied, I had to confine myself to my 1.2 meter width desk, to be accompanied with a self made cabinet that I had to construct on my own and need to make way so they can have another person seated at 1.25m onwards from the end of my 1.2m desk.

On the pretext that the shaman said its the best seats for now to ensure prosperity.

I don't know what to mutter, I guess nothing.

I guess it's a sign. That it's the time to leave. Leave it to the  shaman..

And for the first time, I had my letter ready..

I guess I am awake and ready to be out of the comfort zone...

Because I really cannot breathe.............

Shifting of Priorities

The recent workload have really gotten me thinking.
I come back literally breaking down.
Almost every time I have qualms of what is to become of me.
Given 3 years back, I guess this kind of workload is nothing to me. I have had more serious labour torture before this which I could endure.

Self-doubt is self killing.
How do one be positive when there is no room to breathe.
I don't look forward to weekend. Because weekend would be the time when I have even lower confidence in completing my work. And almost every weekend I am not able to complete anything.
Most of the time I end up being unconscious. I really did not mean to. I have 5 alarm x 6 snooze per alarm to wake me up. But to no avail.

I really want to do this well. I can't tell you how much I am determined,
But as I type this, my eyes are teary.
Yes, this sounds even more emotional than a marriage breakdown.

I am still searching for that purpose to dread on. My heart is palpitating.

Sometimes when you come to a hurdle in life, you have an option to leave the seam open or to close it back. But a hurdle is a hurdle. Even when closed it can never be a perfect one. Because the damage has been done.  

Today I got to know about a friend who is moving on to another stage of life in a flow we never expected to have happened.
The natural course of life is so unpredictable.
Sometimes the more you put hope on something, the more difficult it is to reach that desired destination. But I am happy that she reached this stage which no one would have expected.

We share something in common ; our dislike for human race, kids and culture in certain way.
But that will change for her soon.
It got me into thinking how sometimes what we hold close to our belief but it can never be permanent. It's all a phase of life. Where priorities shifts and our perspective changes.
I will have one good friend lesser with the separation of continents and change of life pattern.

Shifting priorities - yes, I am beginning to feel the same too. We have put our life in the simmering of a pressure cooker for so long that eventually you get a concoction of life that is crafted for no one but yourself. And I believe there is a silver lining in everything that happens. I guess she have found the first meter of her string and many more to go to line her up for the change in her life.

I hope to locate my silver lining too one fine day. Let's hope :)

Leaving without notice

Death.
I won't be able to tell how it feels.
To die of old age or to die of sickness is something that we cannot avoid.
And I think most of us do come across that period when we ask ourself, "What if I die from this sickness?" In a way, we are a little prepared to see the outcome of that sickness.

Dying unknowingly when fate strikes you without any prior notice is ... I must say something unimaginable. You do not know if you need to close your eyes and let go of all that is in mind. You definitely will not be ready with a smile of calmness.  

And no, I am not feeling suicidal this time round. There is so much sorrow for this week when I see reports and news on the arrival of the remains of the MH17 tragedy. If only things got to a better turn. But in life, there is no IF. Because if life comes with IF, you and I will not be at where we are as at now.

I do not know where do dead people go, but where ever they are now, I hope that when you left, despite the unknowing fate, you have bring the whole of you, with willing heart and be at peace.

#rememberingMH17

Wrathing

This is how I am most probably feeling right now - cold, empty and shredded into parts that I have no hold of myself anymore.

It's not that I have grew a year older being 35 this year, but the end of the birthday could well be the start of a gruelling life at work. Almost nothing goes right.

Almost nothing goes right. I don't know. Maybe it did go right but not at the speed that is desired.

Sometimes I do ask myself if I am incapable of accomplishing what has been entrusted. More often than not, I feel a total uselessness in me. And to top my confusion, I just don't get why despite my 16 hours a day work, I can never finish it up. 

Going to work in no longer fun and challenging. The challenge has now become a wound. It's like one who's been raped and having to weep in toilet on her own, get dressed and come out and pretend nothing happen and life continues. A wound that will never heal.

Been many days since I have had anytime on my own. I felt guilty going out for lunches, I felt trapped if I stop thinking about work. I felt insuffice. And everytime I attempt to find a solution within, it breaks.  I can barely breathe. I felt the tremble and the chill despite the hot weather. I just want to drop my knee down and surrender. 

Perhaps I am just not good enough for this. I feel demolished.

No make-up can hide my disgruntled look. I am tired, I am outraged, I am losing patience and I am seriously on the verge of giving it up..

What a month..

Leaving It All

I always believed in sustainability.
It's like, if you can tread a certain miles forward, why not tread along those who may need it. Throughout my life, I have been given many opportunities. Some are great, some merely wanting to take some  benefits out of you.
Whatever it is, every opportunity taken is a curve to learn.
Finally I have decided to revoke everything from this useless being which I have tried sustaining by giving freelance jobs. Doesn't pay alot to make 'em rich, but definitely something extra to the pocket every month.

Boss was right. No point to be around negative people who doesn't appreciate.
I just can't take those constant nagging anymore from a nubile immature individual who is not eager to learn but eager to earn with a meagre experience to flaunt.
And I almost had my career flushed down a big river of mud - with a mistake that should not even happen.
Yeah, it was almost everyone's fault for not noticing it.
I am still pissed that all my patience all this while bore me a rotten fruit.
mehhhh.... I can''t even talk further....

And all I shall revoke.

Work is like crazy. There's also crazy people everywhere at work.

Today, tomorrow is another day.
And I vow to be a better person that yesterday!

Must check out these storycards!

If tomorrow never come.

My boss said I am insecure when I said I have no intention to take leave.
Yes, I am. After all, who isn't? Wait, there are of course, but hey, I do sales. In the life of sales people, the only way they can live long is to make long term sales. No sales, no say.

The constant insecurity is what drives me to go on another day, hoping to survive the insanity that the world is feeding upon us.
People say the world is how you perceive it. The more positive you look at it, the better you will feel. Crap-lah. Can I positively tell you I am not performing and yet be able to eat up wages like a washing machine sucking dry of the clothes? Don't think it work that way.

Yes, I am insecure.
Because one day, someone will outlive the expectation (because there will always be someone better than us), and then the threshold to even survive will be higher and this forever rat race will never end. Till death do us part.

And yes, I still take pictures of my work station when I leave the office from time to time.
Because I don't know if tomorrow will be the same :/

What Kinda Blogger Are You?

Work is crazy busy shit.
Yet I managed to still flip thru some those peak chapters in a Virginia Andrews'.
Didn't plan to blog as I couldn't even finish my list of contacts to start contacting since the boss is looking into drilling everyone's ass till it bleeds. After all, the fittest shall survive.

I just had to rant it out again.
Was looking into piles of blog contents submitted by the participating bloggers in some of the events that I manage.
Seriously - why do people call themselves bloggers, have call cards to remind others that they BLOG. Some call themselves EDITOR, obviously editing their own contents from their own BLOG, despite that lackadaisical of language command

So I wiki-ed 'blog' just to see of I have too high an expectation on what is called a blog, blogger and people who blog. Afterall, I don't want to be bitched about in the world of blogosphere about what a bitch I am.

As derived from wiki :

A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, Web pages, and other media related to its topic. The ability of readers to leave comments in an interactive format is an important contribution to the popularity of many blogs. Most blogs are primarily textual, although some focus on art (art blogs), photographs (photoblogs), videos (video blogs or "vlogs"), music (MP3 blogs), and audio (podcasts). Microblogging is another type of blogging, featuring very short posts. In education, blogs can be used as instructional resources. These blogs are referred to as edublogs.

I don't know about most of other people. In YourShoppingKaki, we are taught to really 'pen down'/ 'write out' contents in words format. Pictures are very important of course, as it serves as a visual illustration to contents that you are about to pen. But what are pictured without contents? And what are contents without picture?

This is what I call seriously illustrious with no pictorial elaboration : Rob Fitzgerald

This is what I called tasteful picture that speaks for itself in it's own style : STRAPPED only minimal words to guide you thru strings of powerful pictures. 

This is what I called an influential blogger who can have as much words as the pictures in a single post : Cheeserland

And because of the requirement that my editor imposed in YourShoppingkaki - yes, the editor does have her set of requirement and proof read every single words and checks every other margin, we the bloggers know that each post is only a post when you WRITE / PEN DOWN in words format only to be accompanied with pictures to enhance your post. It's almost like a sin if your post does not come with illustrious sentences.

And here I am, looking some sites that took forever to load as the post is loaded with pictures and nothing but pictures, only to be accompanied with last 5 lines that gives some linkbacks.

I don't need a blogger to do that. I only need an upload device. An automated one perhaps. 

What kinda blogger are you?

There is an Idiot at Work

It is.
My boss said I should sympathise.
I did, before I labeled this clown an idiot.
Now, he is just nothing more than a pair of loose balls with minimum grey mass in it.

I supposed I shouldn't be too emotional about it. because obviously I am not the idiot. And there isn't anything to lose from my end.
I seriously hate working with non-competent people.
The last I had an incompetent boss, I justy couldn't control myself from throwing things at his office door.
Yes, I am temperamental.

Like in every other organisation I have been attached to previously, I know my ability to exude the negativity to make people get out of my life.I am so tempted this time round. As I have never seen anyone as idiotic as this specimen before.

I have seen lazy staff. Lazier ones. Then there are those who gives you 101 reasons to not deliver. There's some stubborn artistic cases too who refuses to listen.
But this idiot tops it all - like a spastic.

Tomorrow I hope I can lace some cockroach spit on his cups and let him scratch balls non-stop.

Idiot.

Of Testosterone and Cortisol

This is an interesting video that Sha-Lene have thrown on my Facebook wall.

Being in a sales-based position, I must admit I have been in those situation where it doesn't give me much option but to 'Fake it till I make it' in every presentation that I have to do, being a fully prepared one or an impromptu. Thank god that I have acquired this skill to think ahead while my mouth is talking out loud =D

This particular research and observation by Amy Cuddy seems legit. I have never been a bold person. In most situation, I am submissive and shy. Yes. Shy. Cannot meh?

But given my lack of academic enhancement and yet the will to really perform at work, many a time I have to 'fake' it. 

Click Here : Body Language

True to what Amy have indicated, while you try go surpass all expectation by faking it in every circumstances, you sort of become good with what you do and it eventually seeps in, making you yourself and others believe that you actually can deliver what you are supposed to.

That is the time when you realised that you have 'Fake it till you become it'

So, STRIKE A POWER POSE TODAY and get rid of your fear!

Happy Monday ahead!

That Saturday Night

Ahh... and I am back from the hoohaa of getting married and all.
The guy is now back to his work place in Kazakhstan and I have tons of blogpost, sales report and boring slides to push thru 2014.

I didn't start the year right as much right as I hope it is right, according to what I have in mind.
There was too much anger, too many intervention and too much mouths.

Now, I am married.
Now, I am still hot despite being married.
Now, I am slightly larger and yet hot despite being married.
And now, while being slightly large and hot despite being married, I have this super natural drive to excel at work.

I don't know. But I want to do well.
Like extremely well that everyone gotta kneel down kinda well.
It's like as if so much light is in front that I can't wait to dash over and take the reign!

Oh Saturday nights, you are such a lust.
I am so inpsired wiht lots of ideas at the wee hour of a Saturday night,
while getting excited for yoga on a Sunday morning.
I want to sleep, but I have melodies stringing in my mind!
Shall I sleep? Shall I put down my inspiration towards work?
Oh Saturday night... I hate you.

I love this ball next to me =9

Tiring

Being Asian and especially being Chinese, it;s no surprise that my presence doesn't make much difference in a family. The brother in the family is always favoured on top of anything. And at the age of 33 and doing odd job and have a long string of drug addiction and criminal cases, he is still the most important cell in an Asian family.

No, I don't live with the drug addict. I am glad I didn't. But I can't run away being in a troubled Asian family. And I hate it. Because of all this shit, I didn't even study much. People say if you are determined enough, you would look into doing a part time study and make it up. Well, I am glad I have a stricter mind than a daughter in a typical troubled Chinese family. As I did not turn myself into a prostitute or being the girlfriend of any useless drug junkies.

I have an ordinary life. And I chose not to pursue anymore education. Let's be practical, I don't think I will have the mind to study when I cannot foresee if there is food to serve for the coming week. I would like to say I worked hard throughout my life. Harder than a lot of people. Sometimes I do slack. After all who is not tired? I have been working for so long and taking in as much opportunity as I could as I cannot bear to have a day where I cannot put food at home.

I still am no where in the working world. But I have a better life and can afford things that not all can sometimes. Throughout my life I have also pass off a lot of opportunity in life and at work. Because I have a string attached - to this old woman at home.

Sometimes I think it's karma. I must have not been a good person in past life perhaps. Since young, I was always thrown in with lots of words of comparison, that the neighbour's daughter is going to which university, that the neighbours' son is dating a well-off girl. That they neighbour is a slut. Each time I would take in all this and question myself and assume I am supposed to benchmark myself against it. So, I did not get to go to the university and the neighbour's daughter get to, what does that makes me? Useless? So the neighbour's son got a rich daughter? And hence me, in my state now where I reside in a remote and shameful area, am I supposed to get a well off man in my life?
I don't know. I just  don't know. All I know is that everyone is just fairing better than I do. I guess she have been meaning to tell me in a different angle that I am just no good. No good for the family and perhaps the neighbourhood.

I have missed out so much job opportunities and relationship who can get me ouf of this stupid country. but I just had to forgo. As I owe the old woman at home my life which I have to repay.
After all, who is going to pay if not me? She still have to work hard for the drug addict son as he regularly ask for RM30 for food! At 33 and asking for RM30 from a 65 years old mum, I guess there is some karma bond between these two.

I don't owe this son of my mum my life. If he has a kidney failure, I can understand and perhaps I can chip in some money. All he has is a bad attitude derived from a long term addiction and a thai girl friend and a big inability to even survive.

My mum still bitch about me in front of everyone she sees. According to her I am useless. I am disrespectful. I am the equivalent of the 'son of a bitch' Guess who is the bitch? Pot calling the kettle black.
I still remember every Chinese New Year when nosy relatives asked about her son, she would happily let them know the son is a step to being a better person, as he got a job. As a jockey. A bartender. An escort to prostitute. WTF.
And the daughter who lives with her? Oh well, she is just someone who live with her and nothing to brag. I don't need her to brag anyway. No one will understand what is a Business Development Manager. No one understand my strength in marketing and social network marketing too. No one knows that I write. All everyone know is that I am a useless disrespectful person whom my mum said never talk to her. She always reminded me that I will go to hell for my act towards her.

I am very depressed with my state of life. In fact till today I always have the tendency to end my life. Most of the time I wonder how does it feel to slit the wrist and die. But I can't go unless she go first.
I cannot tell you how tired am I in my life. How insecure I am towards life. And how I felt so useless that dying seems to be the only option. I am still hampering on this.

I am getting married to a person who love me a lot. But I think I have chosen this path not because of love. Call me crude, but I needed to get her a 'son' who can love her better than her own useless one. And I want to be out of this circle. I am very tired. I cried at the end of every day but I tried best to console myself that this is just life like anyone else. Everyday I have to think 3 years ahead with my meagre capacity while constantly being reminded that I am useless.  

This is like a losing battle and I can see no end.
I am so tired....