Tiring

Being Asian and especially being Chinese, it;s no surprise that my presence doesn't make much difference in a family. The brother in the family is always favoured on top of anything. And at the age of 33 and doing odd job and have a long string of drug addiction and criminal cases, he is still the most important cell in an Asian family.

No, I don't live with the drug addict. I am glad I didn't. But I can't run away being in a troubled Asian family. And I hate it. Because of all this shit, I didn't even study much. People say if you are determined enough, you would look into doing a part time study and make it up. Well, I am glad I have a stricter mind than a daughter in a typical troubled Chinese family. As I did not turn myself into a prostitute or being the girlfriend of any useless drug junkies.

I have an ordinary life. And I chose not to pursue anymore education. Let's be practical, I don't think I will have the mind to study when I cannot foresee if there is food to serve for the coming week. I would like to say I worked hard throughout my life. Harder than a lot of people. Sometimes I do slack. After all who is not tired? I have been working for so long and taking in as much opportunity as I could as I cannot bear to have a day where I cannot put food at home.

I still am no where in the working world. But I have a better life and can afford things that not all can sometimes. Throughout my life I have also pass off a lot of opportunity in life and at work. Because I have a string attached - to this old woman at home.

Sometimes I think it's karma. I must have not been a good person in past life perhaps. Since young, I was always thrown in with lots of words of comparison, that the neighbour's daughter is going to which university, that the neighbours' son is dating a well-off girl. That they neighbour is a slut. Each time I would take in all this and question myself and assume I am supposed to benchmark myself against it. So, I did not get to go to the university and the neighbour's daughter get to, what does that makes me? Useless? So the neighbour's son got a rich daughter? And hence me, in my state now where I reside in a remote and shameful area, am I supposed to get a well off man in my life?
I don't know. I just  don't know. All I know is that everyone is just fairing better than I do. I guess she have been meaning to tell me in a different angle that I am just no good. No good for the family and perhaps the neighbourhood.

I have missed out so much job opportunities and relationship who can get me ouf of this stupid country. but I just had to forgo. As I owe the old woman at home my life which I have to repay.
After all, who is going to pay if not me? She still have to work hard for the drug addict son as he regularly ask for RM30 for food! At 33 and asking for RM30 from a 65 years old mum, I guess there is some karma bond between these two.

I don't owe this son of my mum my life. If he has a kidney failure, I can understand and perhaps I can chip in some money. All he has is a bad attitude derived from a long term addiction and a thai girl friend and a big inability to even survive.

My mum still bitch about me in front of everyone she sees. According to her I am useless. I am disrespectful. I am the equivalent of the 'son of a bitch' Guess who is the bitch? Pot calling the kettle black.
I still remember every Chinese New Year when nosy relatives asked about her son, she would happily let them know the son is a step to being a better person, as he got a job. As a jockey. A bartender. An escort to prostitute. WTF.
And the daughter who lives with her? Oh well, she is just someone who live with her and nothing to brag. I don't need her to brag anyway. No one will understand what is a Business Development Manager. No one understand my strength in marketing and social network marketing too. No one knows that I write. All everyone know is that I am a useless disrespectful person whom my mum said never talk to her. She always reminded me that I will go to hell for my act towards her.

I am very depressed with my state of life. In fact till today I always have the tendency to end my life. Most of the time I wonder how does it feel to slit the wrist and die. But I can't go unless she go first.
I cannot tell you how tired am I in my life. How insecure I am towards life. And how I felt so useless that dying seems to be the only option. I am still hampering on this.

I am getting married to a person who love me a lot. But I think I have chosen this path not because of love. Call me crude, but I needed to get her a 'son' who can love her better than her own useless one. And I want to be out of this circle. I am very tired. I cried at the end of every day but I tried best to console myself that this is just life like anyone else. Everyday I have to think 3 years ahead with my meagre capacity while constantly being reminded that I am useless.  

This is like a losing battle and I can see no end.
I am so tired....