Yesterday I was someone. But I always thought that I am Suetha the Indian Classical Dancer. Then today I am Suhana. Day before I was Suet Mun. Welcome to my alter ego page..

Yours truly,
Suhana Suetha

Friday, February 5, 2010

Hard To Breathe..

It is in time like this that I finally realised more things about myself. I am also beginning to have clear picture of why certain people inflict hurt on themselves when in a state of distress.

Today I learnt something; I may be able to work under pressure to finish a task, but I can never withstand stress from imperfection. =( It's really sad, that at this phase of my life I am not able to learn to let go.

Since the moment I got the call, I am tremendously distracted. I have a heavy heart. As if someone threw salt on my wound. As though someone pee some terribly pungent urine on me and I am holding my breath and not able to escape my face from the urine (how come this sounds like Japanese porn?)

It is at this situation that I felt like self-abusing. I don't know.. perhaps bang my head on the wall? (I hope I don't turn stupid) Scratch my arms with the ruler? (I hope it doesn't hurt that much) Scratch my face Put my hair on fire. It is pain like these that will reduce the heart pain due to stress. Now I really do get it ; to overcome pain with more pain.

It is at times like this I hope to have someone to share the horrible day with. May not help much, but if I have someone who would lend me a shoulder to bang my head on, lend me an arm to bite off, lend me a leg to break, that would be relieving. May not be able to solve the situation faced, but definitely the pain caused will be able to overcome the pain in heart due to the stress faced.

I don't think I will be able to have a good sleep at all tonight. The whole conversation is still going on strong in my mind. I tried watching sand art. I resorted to listening to Buddhist chants somemore! The soberism just didn't go away. At all.

While having dinner, I ordered a bun and a cold iced coffee in the attempt to numb my mind. I took a notepad and started thinking of more design work. I scribbled. I draw. I wrote. I knew I just have to keep my mind busy. I can''t think of the consequences. I am so shaken with the call and comments. I really cannot accept flaws.

I ate 3/4 of a big papaya. Not in hope to have a bigger bosom. But because I felt empty. I felt terribly shaken by the entire scenario. And what I will have to endure tomorrow when I meet up. . .

I hate customer's complaint .. =(

1 comment:

  1. awww. i may not be able to lend u an arm to bite or leg to break, but im here as a listenin ear if u nid!~ *hugz* don be upset, we all hav our bad work days...


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