No longer a matter that matter anymore

It was just last week when i so wanted to get a new high tech phone for many reasons i can justify at that time.

It was also last week that I have decided that I wanted to splurge a couple of hundred in getting collagen drinks - those magic potion that claims to bring me back youthfulness.

And the many past weeks that I have been spending my hard earned money on dresses and pretty lil stuff. That I most probably wouldn't make use of.
Perhaps this is just so abnormal, coming from one who cannot resist temptation.

In my life, I have scratched some cars out of angst.
Stole some fruits and food out of greed.
Threw other people's belonging out of angst. Again.
Cursed a tremendous amount of time out of angst. Again!

When I look at my collection of shoes, I guessed I shouldn't be tempted to buy any more as there are many others out there who have to wear torn shoes to school.

I looked at the 5 beauty boxes subscription that I have either subscribed to or was sponsored. Each one cost at least RM30-RM60. I intend to get another. Then I realised that many others uses off -the- counter RM5 facial foam and not even hand lotion, moisturiser and whatever serum. I supposed I don't need another beauty box subscription. As I have more than enough products compared to many others.

I splurged RM190 on 2 corset - some outfit that cannot even be worn when you are out to work, or at home, or for a casual eat out in some seafood restaurant. All because I cannot resist the temptation and peer pressure.
Only to go home and realise, with RM190, I could send my mum to the dentist and have at least 2 tooth rectified at least? And RM190 could well be a week salary of some dishwasher, despatch rider, or some roti canai dough maker. And now, I get to admire some boudoir based corset in the confinement of my room while mum have to choose her food since she can't chew as strong with her weak tooth, despatch rider eating a RM2 rice wth lots of rice and only gravy. And roti canai dough maker, eating left over roti canai for the day ;(

Then I wanted a great wedding! One by the side of the beach, or done in an open garden style.
With handmade trinkets as gifts, and a photobooth for snapping away, and a big wall banner - for camwhoring again! Then I see that fatty is working 7 days a week. Waking up at 6.30am and reaching home only 9pm. Not with the full intention to fund the wedding. But cus there is a workload waiting for him every day since some new projects started. But then it triggers me again. All the hard work an effort to go into a wall back drop? And to host tables and tables of people who most probably have been bitching about me and my family.

Today, alot of things doesn't seem to matter anymore. I guessed I have spent too much time on wishing upon a gigantic star and have forgotten to be back on the ground sometimes.
Today, I have rooted myself back to the humble ground, I would like to assume.

And today, if you think that it's a new beginning to a new you and that you can live a more fulfilling day than yesterday, then Merry X'mas to you!

If you are still in the same shit hole, oh well, you still deserve a breather.. Happy Merry X'mas la!

Mmm

It's 3am now.
I am hungry, cold and looking at my credit card debt, my old phone and my face.
Yes, my face.
Phone is so old and in such bad shape that I am not sure if its ok for me to pass it to my boss to answer calls from suppliers.
There is no hell way am i going to clear the credit card debt. Well, maybe i could use my savings to do so, and be left with none again after clearing all debts.
Almost bought rm209 worth if collagen drink today. I aint getting young and i can foresee it wont be easy to convince people that i am young and vibrant despite the big numbers in my age.

Nothing happened today. Still using the same old phone.
Didnt get any collagen drinks.
As hungry as always.
And have never stop being broke.

Next week am gonna take up some part time job offer. Tomorrow am gonna look into increasing adverts.

Money - i hate u

In The Centre again...

December is a month of picture taking. Not talking about standing under some X'mas grand decor in some highly publicised mall taking picture kinda picture taking.
As long as you get stuck with Sha-Lene, you get pictures taken. That kinda picture.

I am proud to have own these freaking higher-than-heaven 6-7-8 inches heels ;)

Color-blocking suede pink/black Heels - The Agape Boutique

Blue Glitter Heels - The Fashion Barrage

Black Suede Heels - The Agape Boutique

Short legs - yours truly

Assortment of leggings - Aishop

I am a distorted UK12 to UK14 and sometimes I can even do a fake UK10.
At all time I envision myself in either nothing or in the tightest of bodycon dresses.
Maybe God is fair. He didn't give me that UK8-10 body that I have always wanted. Else, I won't be sitting here, in my dirty damn room, on a Saturday afternoon with nothing much to do but to write crap.
If I am a UK8 ;
- I would be out FLIRTING. I am still a flirter now, juts not as bold.
- I would be out bra-less. (wait, this has got nothing to do with size of body, but size of boobs only)
- I would be doing a boudoir shoot in nothing or in some lil' g string bikini
- I would have to work damn alot harder than now to finance my fashion addiction cus then I will need lots of dresses and accessories and make up.

Now that I am still HERE, in a state of being nowhere and maybe sometimes people call it 'in-the'middle' of the thin people and the plus size people, I am left.... UNDEFINED.. wtf
It's like being some under-developed woman with no direction in life. Shall I go thin? Shall I go big? But seems like I ain't getting anywhere but in between liddat...
It's so easy to go big - just gotta laze  more and eat more, but seriously, given a choice,
It takes a lot of determination to go thin or let's call it healthy normal size (not to say the rest are abnormal) , because it means no more food at night? Cannot snack? Cannot accept free food at anytime of the day? Spend time on working out like a cow? As if working hard in office is not enough to torture that little of life left.

At this point of writing, it seems to go nowhere.. but stuck in the centre again... phuckkk..

Now that I am still a UK12 ;
- I still buy lots of bodycon dresses (can't help it, a born bitch who need to flaunt)
- I still think I look hot and awesome like that..
- I still camwhore like a fashionista
- I am working equally hard to finance my fashion and beauty addiction ( erm.. like so irrelevant..)


Wah.. this post is getting nowhere ..
I guess I gotta suck it up and still live like a UK12 that I am lor... just hotter and better version only ;)

All attire from Aishop

bwwaarrrr!!!!  check the thick waist ;(

All attire from Aishop except for my Asos Aztec bodysuit  >.<

great heels, fat thigh, bloated tummy - but still hot

great heels, short legs, bloated tummy - but still hot

great heels, fat chin, bloated tummy - but still hot

ala Hongkie 'bery-good-job-done' ending to the shoot with the Aishop team

Corset Me

If I am a UK8, corset would be a daily staple and worn with the shortest of shorts or mini skinny skirt >.<

But because I am a UK12 and not very sociable, corset would be my fetish collection to showcase during camwhore session - in my small lil damn messy room.

And so, with a mind that turn insane looking at these super sexy-I-wish-I-can-pop-half-a-boob-out corset, I was RM200 ringgit poorer. Could have feed a small village with bubur lambuk or bubur kosong with RM200 ;(

The  best picture captured for December 2012 

That Choice

I had a choice.
To go to the kopitiam downstairs and get lunch fixed for a mere RM7.
But I think I will settle for the left over of food in the fridge - soggy briyani and even more soggy pickled cucumber. There's some sausages in the freezer to pop into the briyani too.

I found an umbrella under the blanket just as I was puling the blanket to sleep.
I woke up with this irritating vibrating noise from my back. The old phone was furiously in alarm mode, snuggling directly on my back bone. I wonder if I had enough radiation for the night.

There's a cup - with some water left in it. I spotted the cup past 2 weeks. or could it be 3 weeks?
On my work table, next to a box of makeup brushes, in front of an empty tissue box and besides an empty yogurt bottle, sitting on top of a stack of post office bills. There's still water in it. I though hydration normally takes place in such condition. No?


Some vendor is sponsoring me this. Because I enquired to purchase. Sheer luck.
Always wanted a pet. I guess a synthetic leather one would be great. Doesn't poo, doesn't cringe. Most probably would end up snuggly directly on my spine.

Pussy  Cat Clutch

Got Michelle this for RM1.90. For reasons unknown. Just thought it's a pretty thing to be valued at RM1.90 and you see some loose-cracks selling it for RM25 somwhere else. It's cheap, X'mas is near, oh well.. 

I am a bad friend. because she got me a laptop table and more stuff which I have to multiply with RM1.90 for many many times... I vow to be a better person and hopefully I be able to serve the entire nation. soon...

Some art studio is sponsoring me this too. No. I am not Jasmine and Adam is not my guy. I mean this kinda doodle / caricature. I think I am gonna keep this and later blow it up to A0 size as a wedding picture that people put up in front of their bed - in case I seriously can't afford any wedding portraits. And in case I DO get married. Project thrifty mode..

Doodling services from Black Milk Studio

It's a Sunday noon already. And those work files is still in the weaved bag. I don't know. I just do't know just how many hours a day do I need. I seriously thought I managed my time, life and everything well.

And I gotta leave for another review session incouple of hours - for reasons I have yet to know. Let it be fame, if it must. 

The soggy briyani just turned soggier after steaming it, with 3 sausages on top. 

I hope I don't get diarrhea..

@ WORK

Work.
Could have never gotten easier nowadays.
I wanted to vent out a lot of fume, but am left with none after days of crisis.

As much as I hate facing these difficult times at work I would like to assume I have gotten better in handling issues. I can't be a diplomat or a negotiator yet, but I am getting somewhere. It's stressful.
Damn a lot of humiliation when you fail to deliver what has been promised and all one can do is to send a smirk over the phone in explaining the cause of the problem.

I also see that many wants to find the one to blame. before deciding on how to solve.
When a house is on fire, do you insist on knowing what happen first or saving the lives of those in the house?
Unfortunately, many choose to stand in existence and yell out 'What  happened?? What happened? Who lit the fire?' and the mystery remained unsolved.

Its not that difficult to solve, but what if everyone is to be blamed?
For not strapping the curtain so that it will not fly and caught fire on the candle at the table top?
The wind for being wind and blowing the curtain.
The table for being a support for the candle at that suitable location
The curtain for being so light and easily blown.

Now, it is almost over.
Leaving some remnants of hiccups that I hope to be able to rectify.
Hoping to carve the situation according to the mould of my hand.
And hoping to at least salvage what is left, and leaving with a solid footprint of excellence.
Perhaps I should  not be too confident.
But I shall continue hoping to be on the right track.

One more day before this pretty midget goess off the discount trolley ;(

I don't think I am curvy enough with a beer belly, but da heck.. I shall go forward