I Am All Fine

I guess it isn't a new kinda news.
To announce that I am resigning.
From a job that comes with so much love-hate relationship over the 3 years and 8 months I have been babysitting it.

I've been getting a lot of  these;
'So, how now?'
'OMG! What are you going to do now?'
'Eh better don't la. Economy not good.'
'Then what are you going to do?'
'Where are you going?'
'I can't believe it! I thought you are the boss!'

There's no denying that I  do love my job a lot.
Despite the consistent rant about sleeping at 3am.
I chose reading emails over sleep.
Despite the constant screaming that I contribute to the office.
Which I consider is positive feedback for all not to repeat the same mistake.

I love the thrills of problem-solving.
The crises that appears.
The non-replied messages about what are we going to do now that Samsung Note7 is halting the launch.
That fight to gain back my chance to be able to sell the Morphy Richards range under the company.
It's all very stressful and emotional at the same time.
Perhaps to some, these are really unnecessary.
But I just love these hurdles and bumps that makes me want to do better.

Being able to solve each crisis, one by one is like being able to tick off a sort of To-Do List.
Again, perhaps I am really asking for it.
I cannot imagine life without bumps. That would be too much of a comfort zone.
And I most probably would have left way earlier than this  3 years and 8 months.

Am I in a comfort zone? I don't know. It's definitely not as comfortable as I would have imagined it to be. But I still look forward to it.

Something has been bothering me for the past year and I guess it has amassed itself to a bigger molecule that it can no longer be stored in my sanity zone.
I have to accept the fact that I cannot change what is to come and what has already arrived.
Productivity of everyone have been sacrificed to make way for something.

Being able to please seems to be one of the surviving skills required.
I don't have an issue with pleasing customers and I think I have been doing great.
Many of them who have turned into great friends with a listening ears.

I sometimes think I myself is a living proof of my hardwork. It's not easy to mainain that.
I cannot tell you just how tired I am at times that I  have to hide in the toilet, cover my mouth, weep like tsunami is gonna kill me, repeat that for a minute or two and then wipe off all the tears and make-up stain and continue working.

Perhaps this is no longer an essential. Perhaps there are other things that one can replace hardwork with.
Call me ego, but I never do like to waste time on time-waster. Specimen who walk around trying to be bossy and pleasant at the same time but having the face of a wicked century old witch.
But then again, how to avoid such specimen? Because they are everywhere.

I remember what Sha-Lene told me. It's never these people who comes in with an attitude who is at fault, It's the system, the organization or whatever that lures them in, that brings to the downfall. And to make it worst, they keep breeding!

Many times I feel helpless when I hear the rambling of the juniors who are told to do stupid and zero productive task. With objectives that non of us can decipher. I wish I could do something.  But I am nobody. I can't even help myself, let alone them :(

I was told to just ignore it and keep hanging on.
Because end of the day, we are not able to do anything.
IGNORE and HANG ON?

That's just like spotting someone cutting the strap of a leather bag slowly and steadily while the owner of the bag is busy digging her red bean soup while we put a bet if the owner will realise?

Or watching some migrants killing a dog and scrapi its hair only to boil it later and have it cooked and all we can do is snap a selfie in front of the scene?

Or watching a toddler being abused but we just continue minding our own business.

I feel like a totally irresponsible piece of faeces if I were to ignore and hang on.
I have been ignoring and hanging on to a level which is steering off my conscience.
Would I be promoted if I IGNORE and HANG ON?
Would I get all that I want in an organization if I IGNORE and HANG ON?

But what about the need to progress at work?
The need to excel at what one do best?
The need to being acknowledged because of your hardwork?
What about the progress of the team?
What about even considering how does one create a strong team?

Not being able to enforce a same vision to the rest of them team is most probably my biggest failure.
Wait.
It can't be me. I never do had a chance to.
I really did work hard in hope to elevate myself up so I would be able to consolidate those the like minded to move forward.
I really did pour my all.
But I forgot.
I am not good enough.
And that this is just a mind game.
To plough all my energy and converting it into manual labour.

To leave a  job which gives you a fixed income is difficult.
But my mind is drained and I can no longer contain the disappointment with how things go.
This is the time to let go.
To finally let go of that singular dream, that is most probably only in my mind, but was never in others' mind.
I am awake now. That it takes alot more than a singular effort.

So, yah. I don't know where I will be heading to.
And I am not even looking for now.
Because I am too tired chasing wind.

No one is going to believe me though.
Because Cynthia Lee is known for being a passionate worker and even dreams alot about work and talks about nothing but more work.

All I want to do is to look at things at a positive perspective,
While reminding myself to always uphold the integrity and discipline when performing any kind of work.
Because I still believe that hardwork will pay off one day.
Maybe not here.
But somewhere.

I have a supportive husband.Who will give his all to ensure his emotional wife is free from any emotional distress and do not mind going the extra mile to have a few round of Uber after work to earn some extra cash.

I am fine for now.

Thank you.

I just woke up the other day and had this thing in my mind :/

*On another note, if you know me well about how i work and you have job offers, offer me! haha!