Yesterday I was someone. But I always thought that I am Suetha the Indian Classical Dancer. Then today I am Suhana. Day before I was Suet Mun. Welcome to my alter ego page..

Yours truly,
Suhana Suetha

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Mind Of Guilt

What did u see today while driving to town?
Have you come across anything while getting stuck in jam?
I did. I saw a lot of stuff.
Behind my expensive tinted window which claims to protect from hazardous infra red yada yada. J
That is the first thing I saw in fact. The tinted film which will give me protection from the sun ray.
Out of the mirror I saw the old Indian man on his bike, with his own skin as the only protection from the glaring sun. hmmm… maybe I shouldn’t have spent so much on a piece of film…
While driving, I again saw something.
The good looking Pakistani man in checkered shirt, scooping white rice from a plastic ware. While sitting in between gaps amongst rows of banquet chairs on an open roof lorry. He continues eating while the lorry steer its way on the busy road. Then he kept half of that plain white rice with no gravy back. Hmm.. maybe Jarrods and Rawlins for lunch is a bit too much for a meal.

Sometimes I also wonders what does that old man selling fruits next to Semua House have in his mind while waiting for people to patronize his mobile stall for a few packets of fruits. While staring blankly at nothingness, could he be thinking about the possibility of striking a lottery? Making enough for the day? What to do with the fruits left unsold?
And when there are people patronizing and got some cikus and guavas which he will have to cut.. what will he be thinking any thinking while cutting the fruits? What could he have been thinking?
I know when I managed to sell something I will be thinking of more things that I can sell. I also know when I am not able to sell, all that I can think of is maybe this is not the profession for me.

That 15 minutes wait for the most hi-class dentist in Kepong made me think twice too..
Average, anyone regardless of what u eat, what u spit, what u do with your mouth, or brush 100 times a day, teeth tend to get rotten / damaged / discoloured. Teachers taught us to have our teeth checked at least once or twice a year. Which I never did until recently. RM60 for some radioscopic x-ray of teeth which I cant decipher what went wrong and another RM 60 for teeth cleaning. Scaling is what they call it. And I got a set of newly cleaned teeth for the day.

But.. again it comes across my mind while waiting to pay up.. Dentistry is a service. For people who can afford. Not for everyone. What about people who finds it hard to make ends meet? What do they do with their teeth? Not that they do not care much for their set of teeth, but as time passes, the teeth gets brown or rotten. What do they do? RM60 to scale or RM60 for 15kgs of rice for the family?

Holidays !!! Every single human beans on Facebook who is about to leave to krabi, Bali, Phuket or even that mountain across Peninsular, screams about their holidays getaway….That lady can afford a trip to Melbourne.. That hunk saved enough for a trip to Beijing. That vain b*&%h screams out her plans to splurge during the Singapore sales.. Some high salary earner is dropping by Bali over the weekend to surf… I repeat… DROPPING BY
I wonder too… Where have the fruit seller been to? Does he have any time of the year where money are sufficient and there are moments of leisure spared for him, while not worrying about not making ends meet? Well, I haven’t been to a lot of places. I wanted to go to a lot of places. But I am hesitant. Ma hasn’t been to a lot of places. And most probably I can’t afford to let her go to a lot of places. So I decided its best no one go anywhere. Fair. Meantime I try to work harder. .

I have a lot of guilt issues that I can do this non-stop and let my ramblings affect my productivity at work J
I felt more guilty thinking of it and knowing that there isn’t much that I can do to make any changes.

If I smile at the thrifty Pakistani as a gesture that he too is a human like any of us with better fate in our own homeland, he may possibly think I’m trying to hook up with him for free sexual pleasure. So a warm smile may not work here.

If I were to smile at that uncle on bike who waits for the green light at traffic, most probably he will stare and look away. After all, it’s rare to have people in the metropole to smile freely for no reason.

I can’t also blog about my guilt to travel just because our forefathers lived their life with minimal traveling. Most probably they have only travelled once. From India to Malaya. From China to Malaya.. To vow that I will do the same too means I am merely a frog under the pot :P and a non-believer of progression in life .. no.. no..way..

I do think that life is never a balanced one for everyone.
I wonder if the old man selling fruits have once wishes that he is the owner of Genting or maybe he is merely contented with his current life basking under the sun but still make a meager income to sustain. Well, I do wish I am someone else with a better living and I often hope that the stress that builds up in me is not due to making ends meet in life, but maybe due to indecisiveness in spending the many imaginary amount of money that I could have possess.

Then there are also people who have so much principles in dictating their life claiming to steer themselves towards a better person / environment in all aspects. Self -believer characters convincing you that, what they do is never something you can argue because it’s a guaranteed point that their strategy is the best to steer them and you to the best of lifestyle. I am often convinced that what they preach will work for me. Until after some moments of practising these commercialized lifestyle, I decided to pave myself out of the track. It’s not me.
People call me indecisive.. Maybe I am. I don’t know.
But I would say that I am actually exploring the possibilities to attain a balance living by trying out different style in savoring life.
As I try to understand that, I also realize what one do to their life does not mean that it’s just for him or her only. Their acts produce effects to their surrounding. So the tagline that screams ‘U LIVE FOR YOURSELF’ is not 100% true after all..

So I am again left with some gruesome inner guilt that I can’t possibly derive a solution to… sigh… I really do hope I can make some changes… to myself and the surroundings

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