Yesterday I was someone. But I always thought that I am Suetha the Indian Classical Dancer. Then today I am Suhana. Day before I was Suet Mun. Welcome to my alter ego page..

Yours truly,
Suhana Suetha

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Its All ABout Me

Who Me?
I am a reflection of the muhibah spesies in my country. Cynthia is what u can see on my business card to fit the glam world. Any sales people to have allow potential clients to call them a Miss Lee or Mr Wong is just wayyyy toooo English. I just realised that the newly hired designer pronounced my name as Chitra. Cant blame her, for the Chinese education she received in Bentong. After all, the famous local singer Khatijah Ibrahim turned to Puan Kacip Fatimah via her interpretation :S . Is not really her fault. It's the education system which fails to understand how to nurture the young ones to be more proficient in whatever that they are fed as per syllabus in school.

When I put on my dance saree, its wise to adress me as Suetha. Just to blend in with the Indian community and prevent awkwardness. It did came across my mind what will happen if i do ever get to perform on stage one day. As per any dance, at the end of the shows all dancers will be called out to let people know who are they. I am still thinking. Would Suetha Ram Gopal be suffice to make me famous?

Suhana was derived after numerous exhaustion to tell the bumiputeras: " Oh tidak!! Nama saya bukan Chindia!! Nama saya Cynthia la, kak.. " I was so tempted to have another set of business cards with Suhana Razali printed on. It definitely serve a better assurance to the bumiputeras knowing that I am of their league. After all I am selling batik :D
Anyway, if one day I were to get married to any Dato, Datuk, Tan Sri or YB, yes, I would want my name to be Suhana :)

And of course being chinese, I have my 3 words Chinese name, but let's not go there..

Yerr.. Nothing fancy About Your Blog..
Well, can't afford a boob job as yet. Hence there isn't much I can flaunt. To photoshop will take me ages. I can't afford to fill my teeth 3 at a time, let a lone go for repetition of botox every 6 months, hence I can't flaunt that also. I also do not have a very rich / super rich / fraking rich / freaking glamour boyfriend whom I can post and brag.. or at least post pictures of places I went with a boyfriend for huchimamas for your envy.. If I do have a super ugly boyfriend, I can also consider posting that up and making a biography of that. But I have no boyfriend or the significant half that i can flaunt :(
I blog because it's hard for me to archive hard copy of my rants and complain. Though I do still keep some letters from friends since Form 6. But my mom constantly ransack my stuff and dispose off without informing me. I blog because I wanted to make sure my writing skills is constantly brushed up. One day, I may write a book :) Even if the day do not come, I am thinking maybe it will still be useful one day if I were to start up my tuition centre. At least I can teach writing essays with no complications.
I blog because I don't talk a lot :) which is unbelievable. I am a sales person. And not talking is not helping. Well, I do talk, but I just don't talk a lot to people I am not so comfortable with. Like Ma.. I remembered once she asked me to read a content of an official letter from developer asking money to release the Strata Title. I do not know how to translate back to chinese words, I told her "it's the Geran Tanah..just pay what they want la.. " she LOL and then yelled at me for being stupid and do not even know how to say that out despite receiving more education than she did. I threw the letter back on the table and left. To blog about her. (*__*)

My Perspective On Life
It never did occur in my mind that there needs to be a different angle in viewing life. Maybe the constant appointment to see the numerologist made me a freak. And not being able or wanting to look forward and layout some routes for myself. of course there are some basic charting of where and who I want to be when I am 40. But as to how.. hmmm.. when I started to ponder.. my heart beats faster. And i quickly surrender and consoled myself to a deep sleep. The next morning I forgets and only to be remembered of the pondering in another month late..Procrastination made a blank-out me.
Which I tend to change. From now on.
I fear God, so I wont go and steal. but doesn't mean I wont curse you with the *&^$ word till death do us part.
I fear death, cus it seems painful. but it doesnt mean that I will stop smoking simply because all cigarette packs got colurful pictures of the lungs ( i do not condone smoking ya :) . I just make sure i have the supply.. for entertainment purpose and sometimes to keep me awake from boredom)
I fear poverty.. because I was and am still a poor person. Financially and emotionally. As much as people try to convince themself that money is not everything, I know one day if anything happens to Ma or me or any close frens and relative, u got no money, then u better die fast and don;t make other people suffer. Which will then leads to the poverty of emotion.. At times when emotion is weak to face the obstacles, it's really scary and painful having the hallucination in minds about everything and anything. But I know as poor as I may be, there are people who are more pitiful than me.. so sorry to hear that.. :(
I fear going to hell - but then I am still not convinced how comfortable is Heaven. If it's all just flowers and rainbows, what am I gonna be doing in heaven for such long time? But I know for sure I am gonna see a lot of familiar faces in Hell, cus a lot of people curse the *&$$ words to others, lots of people have sex before marriage, lots of people go for prostitution, lots of people take drugs and also lots of people who do not pray so often. Some even brag about no having religion.. which I am sure they too will take the journey to hell. No? So I know I will have some friends there :)
Ah... and also the botox groups.. see u all in Hell :)
To sum it up : I cant really forsee how much crow 's line will I develop on my forehead. I know each day is an episode which I am taping for myself. Sometimes there is a peak in episode. most of the time its just another episode running. There is a lot of regrets which i have yet to learn to let go. hence those who knows me- no u know why am i so grumpy... I have a lot of regrets mah..

What Have I Achieved
Nothing much to be honest. I've got a small little flat which i refused to furnish as I hate the location. But Ma insisted. I decided not to furnish it in hope that I can actually look forward to a bigger flat.. well maybe not bigger.. It just have got to be out of Jinjang!!! I also got a national car and yet to be able to afford a BMW. Constantly I do remind myself " U stupid bitch!! Tomoroow must work hard and get some commision!!! Else u never gonna get a BMW for sure!" Tomorro comes and I got jittery of the self inflicted pressure and turn cold during my cold calls.. Sigh...
So, I do not have much materials assets.. neither do I have bodily assets :(
Which I think needs no explanation.. Anyhow, I still constantly reminds myself that I am far better than a lot of people out there who cant afford a vehicle of their own. I get teary eyes when I see grannies in their 60s carrying baskets and bagful of stuff waiting for those smelly buses. I get saddened too with the visuals of uncles driving old motorbikes to work in torn t shirts and badly tanned complexion. it reminds me that I am not so unlucky after all. Maybe in next life, I can be a prime minister and help uplift the life of these people.

U Emotional Laden Moron!!
Yup.. my loud and egoist appearance did quite a good job to conceal the weak hearts that I have for a lot of things around me. I felt like crying when I see old people who still have to work to earn a living. I felt angry at those bastards who thinks so highly of themself and I cant seem to dispose it off my minds tho they didnt really did much to ignite my angst. They merely have some jokes about how gorgeous their 4000 bucks a set of tires are. I felt worrisome to find out Ma is another year older.. what am I to do if anything happen? I do not even have any contact numbers of the closest relatives. I have some cousins on FB, and that's it. I also feel dizzy when I see cats and dogs being crushed on the road. I am nervous and dizzy at the thought that I will be going for some trekking on slippery hills ( I am scared of death after all). I am never at ease unless I managed to locate where is the missing mechanical pencil. I felt like waging war if I do not get what I wanted after numerous repetition of instruction. I felt dizzy when I misplaced the business cards of some clients which i intend to follow up..
To which I think eventually my death is self-provoked... sudden loss of heart beats..

Me and Friends
I like friends more than family :D
I dont think it's worrisome. Some just have a different comfort level with different parties. Somehow I have a higher comfort level being among friends. But it's rare to find good friends now in the woring world. Times are bad. Everyone just need to make sure their feet don't get caught with fire in the office. Then there isn't really a lot of places that I can make more friends. Did you notice the envious stares of girls when they see other hotter girls passes by? It's like as if they have found themselves a rival and would like to end the other party's life soonest. how to make friends like that? :(
Then when one try to make friends with guys.. people say u are a bitch. No girls and guys can be friends with no intention to : i- rake money from the guy, ii- sleep with the girls. When one party do not want anything other than friendship the opposite party will claim she / he have been cheated of their emotion.. haih......
The world have turned so complex..

Me and MY Favourites

MOney comes top of the list. but I never do have enough. Nevertheless it's still my favourite. Each day I try to be positive and tell myself in the mirror I need to make more sales and get some commision hopefully :)

Sexy is a noun to me :) heheheh.. Sometimes I think God knows how much I can and cant take. Hence he never give me what I always wanted. A sillhoutte worth to be called a bodily sillhoutte.. He just gave me something excessive out of the norm just so I wont stray. He knows, if I do have Jessica Alba's waistline, I will never be the down-to-earth-forcefully like who I am now :D

He knows IF i do have that, I will never let it go wasted by not making money out of it :D He knows if I do that, I wont be at where I am now. Living in Jinjang and helping these locals to uplift their living lifestyle by having a 'better' person like me in their neighbourhood :D Not to forget spend all my evening travelling for 45 minutes to another town just so I can fetch Ma- and not be able to go out dating :( cus I have to spend another 45 minutes to get back.. haih....

I have started the Odissi dance not too long ago and it's almost a year. I remembered I have dreams about doing Indian classical dance since I reached puberty but never do have the guts to do it. And so I started and 29 - when constant supply of glucosamine is required to battle the weak knees..Again.. one day I hope to grace the stage in a graceful sway with enterprising choreography and money-making expression.

I kinda like to run also.. maybe it's just the kiasuism seeping into minds. Or maybe I just cant afford the monthly fees of going to Celebrity or non-celebrity Fitness Centre. Hence running is the best option cus there is no fees incurred each session. Unless in a marathon.. which I try to attempt at re-living my prime time.. but I just realised being able to finish 7km in 40 minutes when I was 18 is different than hoping to complete 11km within 1hour 30 minutes when I am 29. It felt like I am being dragged to Hell.. but I think I am gonna persevere and go on for a while until I can afford to run in style in a monthly paid exercising facility centre.

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