When Battery Is Low

Its the similar symptoms regardless of who is diagnosed with it.

regardless of environment.

Yup, is the time of the year again when I starts to develop dreams about work, having no urge to sleep till its 2am, and most probably lose some weight too as the wandering mind keep wandering off and forgets the eating hours..

End of July means the end of the financial year for 2008/2009 and the opening of my book of performance in my job..

I shall not hesitate to declare that I sucks at work.

I do not understand why.

I used to be good. At least that's what I thought.

Over the years, I came to realisation that I am not that good after all.

And today, I am proud to say the amount of confidence left in me is barely the cup size of my bra.

I rarely post anything unless I am deeply moved / shaken by a particuar situation.

And today, my head is in deep pain. I woke up at 9.47am thinking its still a sunday. Its a MONDAY!!

Monday is now the management meeting day. Which I should have tried to accustomed myself to it. What if one day i'm in a new environment and every Monday is a management meeting day? And I did try to stay in a very keen mood to look forward to it but......... i am just no good..

And that was supposed to be a post for the end of JUly or so..

The beginning of August came and left.. 2 shows done, one more to go...and I couldn't agree more with Kio that it's really pointless to be with the 'crowd of pretence'. I actually had a post about this written on tissues,while waititng for the models to rehearse... but ... I supposed .. I ... nah... it's an individual perception..

As much as I hate talking about it, i think it has made me realise that I am just not of that crowd. And today I knew something about myself again :) i am not pretentious. I may be emotionless and appear to have little opinion about everything, not because I really have an empty mind, but because I no longer see a point :)

I felt suicidal again.. The twitching pain in the heart, the eyes that no longer am able to contain anymore tears. The brain seems to be massively flooded with a lot of thinking which i cant decipher. The road seems to have ended.

I looked around in the hall of the home. Though decent, there is a lot more room of improvement. No proper kitchen cabinets, hand-me-down utensils, dining table, a gift from relatives, mattress on the floor. And a decent altar to house the prayer's statues.

It's the day to celebrate the Goddess of Kuan Yin today. I thought on such auspicious day, things will be heavenly peaceful. I guess no one really knows of my ordeal. I had a terrible life.

As I always believe, as terrible as my life may be, there are more unfortunate people out there.

But I still think i have a terrible life. A sad one, not to the terrible stage yet. maybe.

many a times I would look for something to blame. I tried to blame God. Gor not giving me a peace in life. For not putting me in a good family. For not making me a succesful person. I blame Ma, for her one sided love to the boy in the family. For her sacrifice for the only boy in the family and most probably making me a vending machine only. But the biggest loser would be me. I blame myself for being who I am, not being able to make any changes to the environment around me.

I am very tired. Very very tired for all my life. It has never been rosy.. I do not know how certain family can cope. Having a gambler mom who keep asking for money. In additon the son is a pimp. The daughter is still school goin and almost got impregnated. The dad, an alcoholic. And yet, the family survives. I think I see a lot in this neighbourhood of mine. none of the above is related to me of course. Ma is not a gambler. Dad died before he had a chance to turn into an alcoholic. Me? I am not impregnated :) Oh.. I have a ... no, let me rephrase, my Ma has a son whom she have sacrificed too much and soooo much for no return of investment. I felt sorry for her that it's a wrong investment for the past 29 years. And she is still trying hard. Not letting go of the hopes she have for the only dick left in the family.

maybe I am not a mother yet and am not able to understand her feeling. But I swer there was a time I was plotting to call the police and make him suffer. Which I think will not work as then, Ma will be in grief and I will have to follow suit to :( it's like a chain reaction..

I tried so hard to escape from the unnecessary dilemma. and after 2 years, it's back again.. On the day when people offer prayers to Goddess of Kuan Yin... I can only make 2 deduction :- I have lost faith in God. and maybe God hates me. What will tomorrow be? tell me..

IN PROGRESS

SELF REBRANDING IN PROGRESS

BE RIGHT BACK

Not So Bad After All

Managed to check my results after I saw Via's blog that one can search for their results over the site.
I am on the 970th place out of 5200 people!! Not bad.. At least I know there are another 4230 more people running their ass off behind me :D
Though I am still not pleased with the fact that a sick middle aged lady can clock in 1.16 and I cant... hmmpphh
How did ya fare? Check it out yourself at KL Marathon's site

These Weekends are made to Ponder..

Weekends are scary. Idylic weekends are meant for shopping, having brunch, making out, picnicking, do some hobbies..
I ponders on weekends.. -____-
And this weekend I again ponder.. this time about death, death after and its effect on the people around the one who is dead.
Should one give a thought about it and make some planning? Or shall these matter be left to attend only when it arrives? Have you ever wondered what are you to do when your Ma or pa died? And you don't have much of an extended families. The aunties and uncles that you have last seen are most probably during last year reunion dinner, and none of their contact numbers are stored in the phone. To top it of, you do not even have a significant other whom you can turn to and purrs out .. " Baby.. what do I do? ma seems like she gonna drop dead. me scared!! Baby!! help!"
So what do you do when the situation strikes? I tried to strategically plan out what can I do shall one day I be faced with the issue.
Insurance - None
Savings - not even suffice to purchase a pair of Manolos
Significant others - None
Credit card - minimal credit limit, maximum debt limit.
Extended family contacts - none
Neighbours - I hate them
Wills - did i mentioned earlier that savings' not even suffice for a pair of manolos?
Ex- significant others : self-centred / married / dead in plane crash / infertile / poor / losers
Car - yes I have.
Friends - taboo / left for overseas / self-centred / self centred / lazy
So what do I do?
When I was 10, I only want to play and eat quaill's egg, which resulted me to balloon up, lives on Ma's earning
When I was 20, I only want to look good, score good results in college and impress the guys, lives on own earning's doing odd jobs.
When I am 30, I still want to look good, impress more guys, and probably make some money and drive a Merc when i reaches 33. (well that's me. some can afford a Merc at the tender age of 27 if they so willingly get an older but richer significant-others-for-rent.)
And so, that's how time passes.
In between there isn't much things being done.

I hate pigeons holes. I stays in pigeons holes :S

Did the Kl Marathon, saw kennysia, and lost to a recuperating tumour patient who just recovered. She clocked in at 1.16 hrs. me? 1.34hrs :( bahhh...

I dont know how much time am I left with. I also have no clue how much time does Ma have. Don't get me wrong. I do love Ma despite the all-time grunts I throw at her. After all, I came out from her hole. So I got to make sure she is compensated for making a hole big enough for me to leap out. By at least taking care of her in her old age. I may not did a very good job. but I think its' decently reasonable compared to a lot of weird people out there who rape their old age mom before running off with the last 60 bucks in the Mum's purse to get a fix of amphetamine. I believe there are also others who still expect their Ma to work her arse off just so that they need not work so hard to get some pocket money. Despite being 25 years old and with good physical organs, but a slightly messed up IQ..

And so I was saying, how do one cope if the other person under his / her care dropped dead?
How would I react to it? I tried to visualise. I can't really describe what actions will I be taking. Should I start with a wail first? Then should I start regretting tihngs that I have not accomplished to the dying person? later only do I call the relatives or the mortuary to inform them I have a body to bury?
What is the actual chronology? what do I do? .. I don't know..
But I sure hope it doesn't happen too fast. Please no.. because while thinking of these- the dying, the what to do and not to do, some other issues arises.. What have I actually done to make a difference in me, myself, the people around me and those lesser fortunate people whom God sent down so that more fortunate people can build some karma riding on the lesser fortunate people (why do I always have to complicate things?)
Nil
Elek
Tadak apa apa

Dammit !! Again for the 1000th times I just realised again after again that I have yet to make any changes or differences..to the hungry orphans, the lonely old folks, the mocking Ma at home, and most importantly to myself..

I hope this is the last ponder.. I cant be pondering anymore on the same thing and get myself bored of my boring ponders..
And so I have something up in the sleeve already ( besides ditching the macha).

Have a good weekend. but nothing better than mine, please. :)

woot! I saw something that I ought to do already!

sometimes I felt like a dog. I just wander and ponder aimlessly, only stopping to go to the loo and continue pondering..

Mine - Your Language

Alkisahnya.. pada hari yang bersejarah itu, setelah 6 tahun, matapelajaran Sains dan Matematik* yang sebelumnya di ajar dalam Bahasa Inggeris telah di tukar kembali kepada Bahasa Melayu. Tiada siapa yang tahu logik* di sebalik langkah yang begitu memberangsangkan daripada seorang pakcik dalam umur setengah abad.
Tidak dapat saya utarakan sebarang sebab-sebab munasabah terhadap langkah yang telah di ambil. tetapi ini antara sebab-sebab yang saya rasa mungkin membawa kepada pertukaran bahasa ini (selain kenyatan sah bahawasanya, kebanyakan pelajar yang mempunyai kesukaran bertutur bahasa Melayu adalah peminat-peminat hardcore* jiwa keras Mawi)

1- Kewujudan kugiran-kugiran* band alternatif* seperti OAG (Old Automatic Garbage)* , Bunkface *, Meet Uncle Hussein yang mungkin dibimbangkan akan membaratkan budaya kaum suci dan murni yang sebelum ini segak bergaya dalam songkok untuk si jejaka dan tampak suci murni bagi kaum hawa.

PENYELESAIAN : Mungkin kugiran kugiran ini patut menukar nama kugiran mengikut citarasa yang lebih bercirikan budaya orang-orang kita.. ermm... Apa salahnya OAG menjadi SLO - Sampah Lama Otomatis*. Meet Uncle Hussein.. Pak Sin bukannya paham sangat kalau dipanggil Uncle.. maka, jadikanlah ia Jumpa Pakcik Hussein. BUNKFACE -- hmm.. MUKA-PENYEK? walaupun nama-nama yang setelah di terjemahkan kurang glamournya*/ populariti*/ menyerlah, tetapi sekiranya dapat memartabatkan bahasa ibunda, apa salahnya?
Di masa menulis, pengarang terfikir akan nama yang akan di gunakan sekiranya berpeluang menubuhkan kugiran-nya : PAP-PAP KARIPAP :D

2- Terdapat diskriminasi* bahasa antara pekerja sama darjat. Ini diperhatikan semasa berada di KLCC* dan di sekitar pusat membeli-belah di sepanjang Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman.

Promoter La Senza : Welcome Miss!! Can I help you? We have some new push up collections, would you like to try some on? (tersenyum manja dan memakai t-shirt* sendat serta bersolek ala Angelina Jolie)


Pembantu Jualan Kamdar : .......... (mengikut di belakang sambil mengigit kuku) ... (kadang-kala menjeling ke sana sini)

Pelanggan : Er.. cik, kain ni boleh guna ke buat tudung atau baju?

Pembantu Jualan Kamdar : (masih mengigit kuku).... arhh?? apa?

Pelanggan : , kain ni boleh guna ke buat tudung atau baju?

Pembantu Jualan Kamdar : saya tak pasti lah.. ( teruskan menjeling) *___*

Dengan situasi* begini, maka kemungkinan akan wujud suatu jurang yang akan membezakan dua manusia yang berpendidikan sama tetapi di persekitaran yang berlainan yang membawa kepada pendedahan barat dan timur di kedua-dua senario*

Situasi* yang sedemikian juga dapat di lihat di kawasan umum seperti kedai kopi biasa dan kedai kopi Barat. (Pengarang amat sensitif dan ingin menegaskan tiada unsur perkauman yang cuba di barakan, oleh itu kaum lain juga digunakan dalam senario berbeza)

Starbuck Barista (in an unknown western slang) : Whelcome to Shtarbhucks!! G'day Miss!! Can I harve your orhder?

Kedai Kopi Hainam :-

Ah Lean, si pelayan yang berambut kuning, berskirt pendek (tetapi di paksa memaki apron- yang di hiasi dengan lencana comel Hello Kitty) dengan telefon bimbit di tangan hanya menjeling bila pelanggan masuk, dan dengan tenaga yang seakan tiada, mara untuk mengambil menu* dan di letakkan atas meja dan berdiri diam menunggu pesanan. Ohh.. maaf, Ah Lean tidak menggunakan nama sebenarnya (Lee Moi Lean) untuk di letakkan pada tag* nama nya. Dia menggelar dirinya Febe. Rasanya dia mengolah nama tersebut dari Pheobe. Ketika itu seorang lagi pelayan yang gaya rambutnya seakan Jay Chou berlalu. Namanya Oson. Rasanya dia pun mengolah namanya dari nama yang sepatutnya Orson. Atau adakah mereka memang daif di dalam bahasa barat yang begitu di agungkan semua tetapi kurang pemahaman dalam mengaplikasikan* bahasa tersebut di dalam penggunaan harian mereka disebabkan kurang pendedahan dan pendidikan yang tidak telus dalam subjek tersebut?
(Pengarang telah mengupah seorang pekerja bangsa Cina dari kolej Cina tempatan. Selama sebulan pengarang yang sebenarnya bernama Cynthia mendapat gelaran baru : Chindia, Chitra, Shinda.Seorang lagi yang namanya Michelle mendapat gelaran baru : Miza, Misel, Mitjel)

PENYELESAIAN : Bagi mengelakkan kemaluan situasi yang memalukan, sama ada Bahasa antarabangsa tersebut terus di sematkan supaya mereka yang mempunyai keinginan untuk mendominasi* pasaran antarabangsa dengan kemahiran mereka tidak akan terasa segan kerana mempunyai sindrom* kepayahan mengeja nama glamour* sendiri - Fibi (pheobe). Kalau tidak, apa kata kita teruskan menjulang bahasa ibunda masing supaya Sasikumaran Sivarajan kanesan Kuppusamy tetap menjadi Sasikumaran Sivarajan kanesan Kuppusamy dan bukannya Sean Cane. Maimunah Mahbob biarlah kekal Maimunah dan bukannya Maya. Wong Ca Bai kekal Cibai Ca Bai dan bukannya Bobo Wong. Bukan kah senang gitu?


Sehingga kini pengarang mendapati seakan cerita yang ingin di layarkan disini sudah tersasar jauh dari topiknya. Ingin di teruskan pun sudah terasa kemalasan ngilu yang meresap dalam jiwa dan batin. Maka setakat ini sajalah coretannya.

Seperkara lagi, kepetahan penulis in both english and bahasa kebangsaan is non-related to the efficiency of the education system 10 years back or 10 years after. She is merely good in what she does best :) not superbly good but to teach you the history of batik in both english and bahasa is never a challenge :)
And she couldnt and wouldn't want to waste her

Sekali lagi, I am not a racist.. how can I be one after all? I am a chinese who hopes to impress the macha with her indian classical dance, attends chinese wedding in sarees, and goes to work in baju kurung or batik! wait maybe I am a racist.. i almost shut the chinese part in me.. :S
..hmm.. well walau macam mana pun i am the epitome of muhibah! I just need a turban complete the look..

*Matematik dalam keunggulan Bahasa melayu ialah Ilmu HISAP HISAB

** semua perkataan yang berlabel* * tidak berbunyi seakan bahasa kebangsaan kita. Saya rasa itu bahasa Enggeris yang telah di-kebangsaan-kan. Apa pendapat anda?

Bit(ter) Heart..

Nope, I haven't. But i hope I will. Soon...

Happy?
For a moment, a long moment.. I wanted to be blissful, spending time with yours truly.. but
I guess good things never stays huh?
But it's ok.

For many a times, I look forward a lot to meet up. I want to meet up!! meet !!! meet!! That was a couple of weeks ago..
Now..

The adrenaline no longer pumps up my head.. To reply message is a frightening task. To call you is a challenge. To wait for your call ... hmmm.. hahaha... is a joke.. :D

But I still enjoy writing about it. Seems like a long rant of emotion, but a good practise for me to brush up on my writing skills. But having to undergo it personally is not so enjoyable :(

Truth be told - I AM SICK OF YOU ! I miss u ... but

I no longer anticipate to meeting you. To meet or not to meet never do seem to matter anymore. To have you call or not calling, is up to you :) Cus I know to meet you is to fill in your damn gaps.. To have you call me is to.. is to.. I dunno.. why do u even bother calling me? wait... u have stopped calling.. cis..

Don't call me insecure.. I am not.. It's just that you are not convincing as a person.. Maybe I should tell you to your face. AT least you deserve to know what I perceive of you. But then again, not like you would give a heck..

Maybe it's just me. If it is, then it's nothing personal. Really. I get bored pretty easily. Be it hobby, or human. Yup, I got bored.. of waiting hopelessly, blankly and stupidly for you!!! (that's the most consoling reason I can think of)

I did marked the statement u once said over the phone :

Tosai : : yada yada.. U know what? U do have your shortfalls.. But Im a very forgiving person and I can let go of that.. yada yada..

Given in any situation I would have burst out and slam the phone. but I did not this time. Hoping that maybe what u said is true. and maybe I should give it a thought. Which I did. And so, thats how I inscribe in my mind that I have shortfalls.. ( maybe that's what leads me to being insecure.. ) -or so u perceive..

I tried. I really did tried to be what you want me to be.. wait.. I don't even know what you want me to be. I tried to accomodate. if you feel like holding hand, I held on. If you feel like letting go, I do not grudge and moan. I released. U asked me to call. I called. But you did not answer. nor did you sms back. Most probably you have someone around. I do not squat in a corner and weep. because it's your life. and I blame myself for losing attention.. maybe I am just not good enough.. but I really did tried.. until the pail can't take no more water.. :)

U know what..? I think you and your logics.. I sometimes felt like I am reading a story of "Kisah gembala Kambing dan Kambing Kambing nya" You know the story of the shepherd who brings the sheep to the mountain and then yell for help for the sake of killing boredom. People attend to the wail for first few times.. but then eventually people no longer buy the story anymore.. Yeah.. Till now I have failed to read which side of you are genuine or merely playing pranks..

For many times I bought your story :

* wee!!!! got hope to go out for a date!!*

7 minutes later.. :( fake hopes...

(what did I do to deserve this?)

Again?? There wasn't even a first time and this is AGAIN?

After leaving me waiting for you for one hour and 15 minutes or so.. in a secluded car park, and u not replying sms-es.. what could you possibly have in your mind that I would love to plan to go watch Transformer with you the next day? After how you degrade me and most probably think that I can't live without you.. you think I can forgo that soberism and emotion in me and plan to watch Transformer the next day with you?
And this particular sms-- U really am still hoping that I WILL go watch Transformer with you eh?

Now you know why walk out from you car? I am not angry. I am merely devastated. Maybe I am just not good enough for you. Maybe I have failed terribly.. maybe you really are not that keen to be with me, but merely wanting me to filling in gaps..

Filling gaps.. why do I constantly say so? Have it occured to you what possibly made me felt so? have you ever thought that maybe it's your act that made me felt so?

I appreciate the constant call during lunch.. the after work sms-es ... the before sleep sms-es.. which no longer exist since 2 months back.. or so.. I assume work is getting busier. Fine. Do blame me for not taking the initiative to call. But the last time I call, the call was disconnected. I assume you pressed the STOP button, as there may be people around and you do not need to explain to people why are u receiving calls from a low-grade me.. And so, I decided not to disturb your high end life.. unless you decide that you have gaps unfilled..and decides to call me instead.. :)Maybe I am just not good enough.. sigh..
Psstt.. it's my birthday on the 5th of July..it would be meaningful, great cool to have spent it with a guy whom I may have dated / befriended for the last 8 months? Ya, it's already 8 months, which you may not be aware of :) And nope, it did not happen.. hahhahaa.. And so I really do know and acknowledge the fact of how much I am worth.. from your view.. which is ok.. because for the past couple of months, I have learnt to suppress my feeling and be a total numb-nut :) which is not easy, but still manageable..
I apologise that dinner today was a total waste of your time and effort.. I have been suppressing for so long that now I no longer know how to react. but i tried. I really do..

happy birthday to me and u have a nice day :)

and for my birthday, I give you my arse..

That Lil Archive.. 1

You don't believe when I said I do keep the sms-es huh?

Well I do..

Before I do a final clearing of it, I thought maybe I should just do a mini archive here.. in any case the soberism attacks..

And I thank you for these nice to look at sms-es..

Was supposed to write on a different issue.. hence the circled in reds.. but nah.. I forgotten what I wanted to do with it initially.. I've decided to clear the Inbox for good and thought maybe I should make a lil archive here instead :)

I guess I can only post it to be accompanied with -

GOODBYE!! :)