Yesterday I was someone. But I always thought that I am Suetha the Indian Classical Dancer. Then today I am Suhana. Day before I was Suet Mun. Welcome to my alter ego page..

Yours truly,
Suhana Suetha

Monday, July 6, 2009

Bit(ter) Heart..

Nope, I haven't. But i hope I will. Soon...

For a moment, a long moment.. I wanted to be blissful, spending time with yours truly.. but
I guess good things never stays huh?
But it's ok.

For many a times, I look forward a lot to meet up. I want to meet up!! meet !!! meet!! That was a couple of weeks ago..

The adrenaline no longer pumps up my head.. To reply message is a frightening task. To call you is a challenge. To wait for your call ... hmmm.. hahaha... is a joke.. :D

But I still enjoy writing about it. Seems like a long rant of emotion, but a good practise for me to brush up on my writing skills. But having to undergo it personally is not so enjoyable :(

Truth be told - I AM SICK OF YOU ! I miss u ... but

I no longer anticipate to meeting you. To meet or not to meet never do seem to matter anymore. To have you call or not calling, is up to you :) Cus I know to meet you is to fill in your damn gaps.. To have you call me is to.. is to.. I dunno.. why do u even bother calling me? wait... u have stopped calling.. cis..

Don't call me insecure.. I am not.. It's just that you are not convincing as a person.. Maybe I should tell you to your face. AT least you deserve to know what I perceive of you. But then again, not like you would give a heck..

Maybe it's just me. If it is, then it's nothing personal. Really. I get bored pretty easily. Be it hobby, or human. Yup, I got bored.. of waiting hopelessly, blankly and stupidly for you!!! (that's the most consoling reason I can think of)

I did marked the statement u once said over the phone :

Tosai : : yada yada.. U know what? U do have your shortfalls.. But Im a very forgiving person and I can let go of that.. yada yada..

Given in any situation I would have burst out and slam the phone. but I did not this time. Hoping that maybe what u said is true. and maybe I should give it a thought. Which I did. And so, thats how I inscribe in my mind that I have shortfalls.. ( maybe that's what leads me to being insecure.. ) -or so u perceive..

I tried. I really did tried to be what you want me to be.. wait.. I don't even know what you want me to be. I tried to accomodate. if you feel like holding hand, I held on. If you feel like letting go, I do not grudge and moan. I released. U asked me to call. I called. But you did not answer. nor did you sms back. Most probably you have someone around. I do not squat in a corner and weep. because it's your life. and I blame myself for losing attention.. maybe I am just not good enough.. but I really did tried.. until the pail can't take no more water.. :)

U know what..? I think you and your logics.. I sometimes felt like I am reading a story of "Kisah gembala Kambing dan Kambing Kambing nya" You know the story of the shepherd who brings the sheep to the mountain and then yell for help for the sake of killing boredom. People attend to the wail for first few times.. but then eventually people no longer buy the story anymore.. Yeah.. Till now I have failed to read which side of you are genuine or merely playing pranks..

For many times I bought your story :

* wee!!!! got hope to go out for a date!!*

7 minutes later.. :( fake hopes...

(what did I do to deserve this?)

Again?? There wasn't even a first time and this is AGAIN?

After leaving me waiting for you for one hour and 15 minutes or so.. in a secluded car park, and u not replying sms-es.. what could you possibly have in your mind that I would love to plan to go watch Transformer with you the next day? After how you degrade me and most probably think that I can't live without you.. you think I can forgo that soberism and emotion in me and plan to watch Transformer the next day with you?
And this particular sms-- U really am still hoping that I WILL go watch Transformer with you eh?

Now you know why walk out from you car? I am not angry. I am merely devastated. Maybe I am just not good enough for you. Maybe I have failed terribly.. maybe you really are not that keen to be with me, but merely wanting me to filling in gaps..

Filling gaps.. why do I constantly say so? Have it occured to you what possibly made me felt so? have you ever thought that maybe it's your act that made me felt so?

I appreciate the constant call during lunch.. the after work sms-es ... the before sleep sms-es.. which no longer exist since 2 months back.. or so.. I assume work is getting busier. Fine. Do blame me for not taking the initiative to call. But the last time I call, the call was disconnected. I assume you pressed the STOP button, as there may be people around and you do not need to explain to people why are u receiving calls from a low-grade me.. And so, I decided not to disturb your high end life.. unless you decide that you have gaps unfilled..and decides to call me instead.. :)Maybe I am just not good enough.. sigh..
Psstt.. it's my birthday on the 5th of would be meaningful, great cool to have spent it with a guy whom I may have dated / befriended for the last 8 months? Ya, it's already 8 months, which you may not be aware of :) And nope, it did not happen.. hahhahaa.. And so I really do know and acknowledge the fact of how much I am worth.. from your view.. which is ok.. because for the past couple of months, I have learnt to suppress my feeling and be a total numb-nut :) which is not easy, but still manageable..
I apologise that dinner today was a total waste of your time and effort.. I have been suppressing for so long that now I no longer know how to react. but i tried. I really do..

happy birthday to me and u have a nice day :)

and for my birthday, I give you my arse..

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