When Battery Is Low

Its the similar symptoms regardless of who is diagnosed with it.

regardless of environment.

Yup, is the time of the year again when I starts to develop dreams about work, having no urge to sleep till its 2am, and most probably lose some weight too as the wandering mind keep wandering off and forgets the eating hours..

End of July means the end of the financial year for 2008/2009 and the opening of my book of performance in my job..

I shall not hesitate to declare that I sucks at work.

I do not understand why.

I used to be good. At least that's what I thought.

Over the years, I came to realisation that I am not that good after all.

And today, I am proud to say the amount of confidence left in me is barely the cup size of my bra.

I rarely post anything unless I am deeply moved / shaken by a particuar situation.

And today, my head is in deep pain. I woke up at 9.47am thinking its still a sunday. Its a MONDAY!!

Monday is now the management meeting day. Which I should have tried to accustomed myself to it. What if one day i'm in a new environment and every Monday is a management meeting day? And I did try to stay in a very keen mood to look forward to it but......... i am just no good..

And that was supposed to be a post for the end of JUly or so..

The beginning of August came and left.. 2 shows done, one more to go...and I couldn't agree more with Kio that it's really pointless to be with the 'crowd of pretence'. I actually had a post about this written on tissues,while waititng for the models to rehearse... but ... I supposed .. I ... nah... it's an individual perception..

As much as I hate talking about it, i think it has made me realise that I am just not of that crowd. And today I knew something about myself again :) i am not pretentious. I may be emotionless and appear to have little opinion about everything, not because I really have an empty mind, but because I no longer see a point :)

I felt suicidal again.. The twitching pain in the heart, the eyes that no longer am able to contain anymore tears. The brain seems to be massively flooded with a lot of thinking which i cant decipher. The road seems to have ended.

I looked around in the hall of the home. Though decent, there is a lot more room of improvement. No proper kitchen cabinets, hand-me-down utensils, dining table, a gift from relatives, mattress on the floor. And a decent altar to house the prayer's statues.

It's the day to celebrate the Goddess of Kuan Yin today. I thought on such auspicious day, things will be heavenly peaceful. I guess no one really knows of my ordeal. I had a terrible life.

As I always believe, as terrible as my life may be, there are more unfortunate people out there.

But I still think i have a terrible life. A sad one, not to the terrible stage yet. maybe.

many a times I would look for something to blame. I tried to blame God. Gor not giving me a peace in life. For not putting me in a good family. For not making me a succesful person. I blame Ma, for her one sided love to the boy in the family. For her sacrifice for the only boy in the family and most probably making me a vending machine only. But the biggest loser would be me. I blame myself for being who I am, not being able to make any changes to the environment around me.

I am very tired. Very very tired for all my life. It has never been rosy.. I do not know how certain family can cope. Having a gambler mom who keep asking for money. In additon the son is a pimp. The daughter is still school goin and almost got impregnated. The dad, an alcoholic. And yet, the family survives. I think I see a lot in this neighbourhood of mine. none of the above is related to me of course. Ma is not a gambler. Dad died before he had a chance to turn into an alcoholic. Me? I am not impregnated :) Oh.. I have a ... no, let me rephrase, my Ma has a son whom she have sacrificed too much and soooo much for no return of investment. I felt sorry for her that it's a wrong investment for the past 29 years. And she is still trying hard. Not letting go of the hopes she have for the only dick left in the family.

maybe I am not a mother yet and am not able to understand her feeling. But I swer there was a time I was plotting to call the police and make him suffer. Which I think will not work as then, Ma will be in grief and I will have to follow suit to :( it's like a chain reaction..

I tried so hard to escape from the unnecessary dilemma. and after 2 years, it's back again.. On the day when people offer prayers to Goddess of Kuan Yin... I can only make 2 deduction :- I have lost faith in God. and maybe God hates me. What will tomorrow be? tell me..