The Breathing Stopped.. post CNY

How would you want your life to end?

in pain of sickness?

in a tragic mishap on the road?

in a bloody gang fight?

in a misery over life hence leaping from the building?

have you given it a serious thought?

I tried thinking about it.. dying seems hard to visualise..

There aint short cut to it..

When you disovered you got a disease, everyone is dragged down with your
sickness. want it or not, thay have to empathise with your suffering and FEEL
for you. Those who are close to you suffer most.. They most probably gotta take
turn to care for your needs and bear your grievances in how life is not being
fair to you. and you only.

You may take a year having your life dragged in pain. with your bowel
slowly getting dysfunctional. your frames minimising. you starts to develop
blank stare. and sometimes sees the demon from hell guarding you by the side.
there is so much pain to wanting to survive. there is equally as much pain to
those around you trying to make your day. You may as well die faster.

But as all know, life is never easy. U not only gotta go through the
epitome of life in hardship, but when you think of dying its also not
easy.

Then you thought maybe the rat poison will be a fast remedy. With a
concoction of the Deathful Margarita ( concocted of Vodka, rat poison in powder,
a spoon of dettol, pinch of lime, with glass lined with detergent), I don't
think it will sail you to death-dom just by falling asleep. The anatomy reject
the potion you have just drank with different kinds of twitches. Tummy starts to
twitch

How would you want your life to end?
in pain of sickness?
in a
tragic mishap on the road?
in a bloody gang fight?
in a misery over life
hence leaping from the building?
have you given it a serious thought?
I
tried thinking about it.. dying seems hard to visualise..
There aint short
cut to it..

When you disovered you got a disease, everyone is dragged
down with your sickness. want it or not, thay have to empathise with your
suffering and FEEL for you. Those who are close to you suffer most.. They most
probably gotta take turn to care for your needs and bear your grievances in how
life is not being fair to you. and you only.

You may take a year having
your life dragged in pain. with your bowel slowly getting dysfunctional. your
frames minimising. you starts to develop blank stare. and sometimes sees the
demon from hell guarding you by the side. there is so much pain to wanting to
survive. there is equally as much pain to those around you trying to make your
day. You may as well die faster.
But as all know, life is never easy. U not
only gotta go through the epitome of life in hardship, but when you think of
dying its also not easy.

Then you thought maybe the rat poison will be a
fast remedy. With a concoction of the Deathful Margarita ( concocted of Vodka,
rat poison in powder, a spoon of dettol, pinch of lime, with glass lined with
detergent), I don't think it will sail you to death-dom just by falling asleep.
The anatomy reject the potion you have just drank with different kinds of
twitches. Tummy starts to twitch as if there's a live crab craving to crawl out.
Then your pituitary glands sweats out the most salty of all sweat, increasing
the body temperature while at the same time the coldness of wringing to death
creeps in. But....

CHOI!!! I dunno why I have this post on post-Chinese New Year ... wrote this a couple of weeks back when I am deeply stressed with work, I think.. it's such a waste not to post. And takkan I have to wait for another period when I go into depression again to have this posted up! Choi!!

Post new year doesnt really affect me much.. things are basically same.. But the thoughts of having nothing to work on makes me feel uncomfortable.. It's like being retrenched and got stuck at home being helpless.. So this morning and went back to office and got some files and design to work on during the new year... :)

Post new year didnt really bring much luck too for a lot of people... a colleague just hit a tree, someone just hit my car while in parking mode, someone just decided to resign due to unexpected circumstances, another just hit someone along the highway on a sunny day. Even the lorry driver whom I engaged to do some transfer work got his engine overhauled!!!... think this COW year is a bad omen...

I would like to take all the mishap as a clearance of all the sins that we have and about to commit... please do not put a black cloud on my work and sales...

so hoping that things will go well and the Berlin thingy materialise!!! GOD please HELP!!!

and I shall end my post with a stupid picture of meself

:)

All I Did for Christmas...

Finished the sets of tassels for a shawl to Harrods..

Nope i got no gifts, no celebration but lots of people sms-ing Merry X'mas greetings.

But I don't celebrate X'mas *_* Come greet me during Maal Hijrah :)

And it doesn't help when a public holidays falls in the midst of a busy week..

So here I am, proudly finished making / looming / spinning a set of beautiful hand crafted tassel for a piece of shawl.

Would you like to buy my shawl for RM400? worth of hard work ----

The Calendar Ran Out Of Space

Less than 10 more days and I gotta buy a new calendar..

Less than 10 days, there's execution plans and ultimatum for the coming time..

Less than 10 days, an unexpected year pushes itself to u, me and everyone else..

Less than 10 days, u, me or anyone would have / may have / could have / should have a list of to do and all that have been achieved..

And all I have to boast is ...

My permanent disability in keeping my desk clean. I swear i try very hard.. But not having things cluttered makes me feel empty :D

(once upon my room, which people say is haunted / negative / highly-spirited)

Ya, I know what a bad impression it is to have a messy table. After all I don't think any CEO have got messy table. No Directors, Managing Directors too would not tolerate such a mess.

I am not one of the mention of course. Not yet :D

Nevertheless I must say the condition of the symptom did improve compared to 3 years back ?..

(the horrendous work place next to the toilet, in front of the tiger)

Being in the sales line is never always rosy. People always thinks sales people get all the time they want as they are mostly out of the office and can easily run errands like paying bills, have long lunches, hang around with friends and so.. but no ler..

There's diva-vicious clients to deal with. People who think a dollar is bigger than my face and demanded values worth more than my boobs. Still, i am in the likes of being in my position, though at times, stress overtakes the passion to go further. Indeed it has taken over me many times these couple of years. And I am still finding the crucial factor which have brought me down so impartially that I am on the verge of diving own from KLCC.. trust me, I mean it..

I did sort of figured out a few factors that brought to my inefficiency.. which I find no point rendering on it as it wont be something that I will be able to change.. (wait, this is not even a boast.. this is a rant!! arrgh!! i must make a resolution to say all things pleasant and not be distracted to rant!!!)

My name is Suhana Mazwin :D

I have diam-diam become a malay.. Because by becoming one I can have a bigger gate of opportunity.. I can buy houses with 7% rebates. I can get grants, free food, free wedding, free milk powder and whatever possible. I can also get to be a Dato's 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife :D . and with my fluency in Malay both verbally and written, who else can beat me, Suhana Mazwin Lee being a Malay? yah, I shall win the competition if there is one.. :)

But

I like to eat pork. babi. As at NOW.

So I will need to delay my plan for the time being till I opted for alternative food.

BUT

despite all the nothingness happening in my imaginary life, I do have something I am rather proud of.. for year 2008

(the incomplete attire )

novices are sexy male :)

I can run though I may be fat

I so crave atention

The journey wasn't all things nice with nice view of sexy monks and novices, getting attention from students and stuffs...There are always rough patches like jerks that comes appearing in your life... ya, bad dates which I had for like ... hmmm.... a bit too much to figure out... but generally, most of you are jerks eh.. maybe some of you are not. But blame me for my short span of attention. I easily get bored!!

I get bored reading at papers without finishing it.

I get bored hiking half way through a mountain.

I get bored in the midst of driving. I get bored while shopping.

I am extremely bored when it comes to pretending I am interested in a conversational topic that does not pique my slightest grey mass.

Yeah, it's a syndrome.

Jerks aside, things are not well with work, which i so needed to figure out but the mystery remains unsolved. I am still trying to relate that to the factors that brought to the reduced productivity of mine as mentioned earlier...

With the current economic slowdown I am so hoping it will not pass as fast as I really need more time to sort out a lot of complexity occuring.. It doesn't help when Ma come back and repetitively mentioned I'm gonna flunk in life in the coming year. She keep stressing whatever that I'm gonna do just will never sail in the right place..

wtf ...

Thanks for the consolation..

Happy mother's day.. and happy new year..

:(

a note to myself : I must really do something about my posting. It's as screwed as my life with fonts sizes in variation and spacing unrecognised

I Think you are a ...

FICKLE MINDED BITCH !!!!

Thank you.

CONFESSION FROM A LOSING END..

I love to write. I enjoy the time spent on penning down thoughts.
As much as i hate making this a plaform of frust-vending, or shrieking in disgust to my friends who may not mind to listen to my horrible stories of pathetic life, I really do not have much of a choice. before may hand slip off and get hold of a molotov and shove it at someone.

And the chances of me getting caught again for bitching is probably 75%. Yeah, I calculated the risk despite the fact that the blog name have been changed. IP address still same mah...

Then again, I am not allowed to carry a sunken-blacken-chicken face in reality. At least let me do it here!!!

Many a times, i sat and ponder, where did i go wrong. I really did think hard. I made some comparison. I really do. Then I try to relate how I can go wrong. Tho i dun get it, i pretend to be wrong at situation where I am not in the wrong side of it.

Along the journey I have learnt so much to let it be. I have understand the demeaning factor of not to be bothered despite earthquake from the neighbour. Then at times, the small faction of emotion and displeasure just didnt do much to help me ignore the catastrophe of surrounding.

Ma just came back from the numerologist's place. I was told next year, nothing will go well with me. That I should do more charity. REALLY do more charity. Like go donate rice to the orphanage, give money to the old folks home.
It did struck my mind why is it not karmic enough when I loaned 1000 bucks to someone who need help and he is nowhere to be seen.
That I loaned another 250 bucks to a divorcee so she can pay her car instalment and she went missing.
That I constantly buy stuff for the Indon worker so he will hav more food for dinner than packing an egg to be boiled and heated alon the rice in the rice cooker.
That I never fail to do most of my frens a favour as and when requested.
That I do not really claim excessively and sometimes forgo expenses I've spent for work.
That is not marmic enough?? Fine !! :(

Somehow the devil in me seems to grow at drastic rate than the karmic side of me. I am quite sure I will go straight to hell with all the swearing I've made. All the curse. I hope the written ones here will not be considered as curse, cus it didnt come out from my mouth. No?

But I know I am not gonna go to hell on my own. Despite my bad mouthing and cruel writing, I am certain there is someone else who will head the same path as I do. Cus they are just born with .....

This is about all the bad things U did? Or about your lack of common sense. . Well, you have always been outstanding with your lack of common sense. At least to me, that's how I distinguish u.

I am beginning to understand why most of the people who survive in the rat race somehow or rather do not really require much academic skills or integrity. All they need is a heart crude enough to cast a virtually pleasant facade despite the rotting faeces in between. And it's usually people of such genus who will survive well in the rat race.
Wait, where is this post heading to...

My day was never bad. Till U decide to come and ruin it up for me.
Do not blame me if you have impaired vision, impaired mental complexity to get to know the differences of Invoice, Develiry (yes, that's how u pronounce Delivery, case u cant recall) Order, Purchase Order.

As far as I am concerned, suppliers are issued Purchase order and not Invoice. And purchasee are issued Develiry order, not Develiry Order to Supplier. Invoices are to people who buy your stuff, not people who try to sell you stuff .. u got it boh???

And oohhh!!! U sure wont have guessed this!! Someone called the lady whom u threatened to fire, whom u have bitched about in outrageous complexity to the paymaster. And she is now sitting at home jobless and she did not really blame you for yelling at her and asking her to resign. I think she have got a blessing thru all this. At least she does not have to go thru your stupidity in senses and take order from someone who cant seem to be able to derive the meaning of running numbers in documents..

And also all the previous cases which causes a lot of stress in human resources.. thanks to you.. I now realised its not really me.. its just how u deal with it.. but as long as u r happy, I am fine..

Which reminds me... u really have agitated me by pretending that you do not know that u are creating a new sheet of invoice. When I so remembered i uttered these : This is a quote, and this is the old invoice. Can you re-do this invoice based on my quote and follow the same format of the invoice HERE?
U did not ask if it's a revise / new / or i- simply- ask -u- to- do- to- fill -up -ur- time invoice. And did it not occur to you that both the items from the quote and the old invoice is the same? EACTLY same but differ in quantity? And did u not realised that the client is a first timer? FIRST TIMER? and there have been so much hoo-haas on getting the client tat everyone know this is THE FIRST ORDER? PESANAN BARANG KALI PERTAMA??
So very first that not even the goods from the order have been out.

NOPE!! I do not know what's in your dumphuck mind. I really have no idea. I may be sexually deprived that I may have irregular disorder in rationale. But I am sure u r not sexually deprived rite????????????????
So why do u even say u do not know what is the freaking document for and u simply do it??
(I swear I so want to swear at your dumphuck innocent-looking expression) Only to leave a big yell at my face from the paymaster??

Ohh... and your 10 mins of equiries to the 4 telcos company operator of the same telco company who did not get what u are trying to relate and ai have to reach the phone 4 times to assist you in -- nope, it does not prove I am better than you. it just prove that you ... you go figure.. maybe its not u.. its just that ALL 4 of the operators are just dumphuck (like u) :S

U have master your skills of diverting the worst for others that I do not even feel a need to defend my sane self. .. Thanks to you I have learn to be a performer who accepts all.. Shout if u all need to.. Throw stuff on my desk if there is a dire to do so..

I AM SO TIRED OF U PEOPLE, THAT ITS NO LONGER HILARIOUS!!!!!

People of the same mind flock together.. that's what people always say.
And I do not wish to be flocking with the rest of you..

I felt hilarious. I felt ridiculous. I felt immaculately insane!!!
But I know the path only have 2 roads... and definitely we do ot walk the same path..
neither do I want to be holding your hands and walking towards hell..

I would like to end this by still pondering what could I have done wrong. I sort of figured these out :-

-I have bad managerial skills I am not able to produce good staff.
-I have OCD in dealing with matters/ issues / people/ environment
-I am not qualified to even be on par with the rest of you productive people
-My sales is so bad I dont think I deserve a say in any aspect ( yup, I hav stopped saying anything)
- I M REALLY NO GOOD IN MY JOB I SHUD REALLY OPT TO SURRENDER.


Sigh.

And I would like to present you a Darwin Award :)
I figure u deserve one of it based on your story here

Darwin nominee : Ah moi, is this roll of paper here 7meter?
(holding a bag with a roll of paper labelled with a sticker that reads - 7 METER
of paper)

Ah moi : Well, what do u see on the label?

Darwin nominees : It says here 7meter of paper.

Ah moi : well, then have u figured out if that ROLL is
7meter?? -______-

And u have officially got yourself an award.

Dear Award Winner,

SAYA MEMANG SUDAH KETIH DAN TAK BERMAYA NAK LAYAN KERENAH U.
KENAPA? KENAPA SAYA????
AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TABUNG SUBSIDI TELEPON ..

Dear all,



I would like to plead all of you to pleaseeee extend some monetary assistance in helping me to get a new mobile phone, for the sake of sympathy, your pleasure, my pleasure, making sure the poor can afford some kinda telco gadgets or whatever reason u can think of.

I am writing in distress as I have extreme difficulty to sending out proper sms-es. The button for DEF do not seem to function, when its press on the cover, when its opened and pressed, when its opened and poked hard with a pen. Nope, nothing seems to help. It will sometimes be able to function after i bang the entire set to the steering. But then, after doing that i realise DEF is back to function, but ABC is not!!!


Till now I am not able to send an sms to my fren to read : TAPAO *OO* ALR**I (u go figure)

:(

I dont need an over-the-top mobile phone. Anything below RM1000 is good enuf. After all, till now I have yet to master the art of sending MMS. And I am also prone to having my phone dropped quite sparsely on monthly basis.

Please make my wish come true this X'mas by writing to me and expressing your most kindred heart to spare me some money to get me a phone...

Christmas will only be merry if you lend a helping hand..

Now, please HELP ..

You Think U Know What I Did Last Sunday?

I hate holidays, days with no work, days where people do not go to work, days declared as stay-at-home-and-do-nothing, gazetted days where employees need not go to work and other days where one do not have to do anything..
Its a pain.. it seems like a long suffer of mental and sometimes physical.. Sometimes a bit illogical i find. I am stressed when I have to work. I am equally as stressed when I have no work to do. The inability to express joy over days when employees are given a day off worries me.

Then again, not like I have nohing to do at all.
I have half a tonne of designs to re-draw.
I also need some time to ponder what will my bleak life will turn out to be if i don't do something about it.
I have again and again pushed away the need to sit down and do a bit of mental visualisation of the room that I need to convert to a studio ( a petite one)
I have also promised someone with the edu-tainment proposal which I have yet to research on
I have also promised someone with another proposal on some other businesses which I blatantly promised and have no intention of materialising it - since I amnot getting paid..
I have again delayed in getting the backpack and Punjabi suit which Kio loan to me like 3 months back - washed.

I have a long long list waiting to surface..

Instead this is what I did over Sunday and Monday -

Went for a jog. Die die also I need to go for a jog. It has become sort of a Sunday ritual that I need to get connected with the nature. Just realised 11pm is not a good time for a jog in the Metropolitan Park in Kepong. Too many anglers / fisherman / pond-fisher , whatever u call those people that sit at the lake and start fishing for ... i dunno.. ikan bilis?
And they have peculiar stare at people who run around in shorts and running vest.




Bought some groceries. Attempted macaroni. Dry and hard macaroni were the results. Diarhoea was the after-effect U_____________U


Lesson of the session : never to cook anymore.


Yah!! I went and have the passport picture taken, since my DIY attempt failed. Its been more than 6 years since I went to any photo shop to have pictures taken. Only to realise now they dun even use those bulky camera. All that is needed is a normal Kodak handheld digital cam and a USB connector and some basic skills in stamping off spots off the face. Anyway, the point is, the result is a lot more better than my own attempt for RM16. Can't resist the fantabulous photos i asked for 8 pcs instead of the norm 4 :D

Nah! have more of me! :P

Its only 3pm after I am done meeting up with Jovian, my favourite designer ( not that I can afford any of his designs *_* ) to get his fabrics, and to get my passport photos done. As mentioned there is nothing much I can do and most of the people I sms either do not return sms, do not return call or have gone either abroad or outstation.

What else can I do? I HATE HOLIDAYS!!!




Stopped at Pearl hotel. Go to the loo. Empty the bowel and get reay to go Starbucks. Thats around 3.30pm. And I had my butt shaped to square-ism sitting in Starbucks doing designs and coloring. Notice the bag with red handle I have on the floor? I think the waitress in Starbucks must have assumed that I am an artistic individual who have assignment to finish almost every month without fail and uses their place as an avenue to complete my assignment. While all people goes to Starbucks with their latest laptop and hi-tech gadgets, I come garbed in color pencils and a sharpener. Cool eh??




And I complete the day with a big STARE at my ugly feet ....

After the Mizuno run, the pocket of space in the toe nail is still hanging there, not willing to part of from this feet of mine. Man!! I am such a turn off to guys!!! Where people are proud to show u their nicely pedicured feet to compliment with their angelic face, here u have a my feet in a worrying turn-off state. But Hey!!! at least it doesnt emit smell :D

have a nice day !

Do Not Judge a Book by Its Cover

Its been a while since there is a need to go to the photo studio to get a shot done. Passport still not expired yet. IC still useable, tho face is mather-freaking ugly.. Still contemplating whether to waste another RM12 for a set of proper passport photo. Yeah, it is soo needed for submission, application etc..
Now I really need a piece of my face to be attached on some life-saving application. Does it really matter how I project on the pic? What if i am this :


OK, maybe this is a bit unfair to give judgement. Most photos shows the face quite prominently. So what if I show my face in such a mood?

I do not deny i sometimes tend to doze off literally, to a land of complete blankness. My brain is cell-dead after many hours worrying about doing nothing and so busy of doing nothing!! Yes!! its completely worrisme to be so worried about nothing!! I thought the most serious kinda worry would have been me deprived of money. But hell no, I found another dilemma which have been making me a worrisome piece of meat. I am so worried of having nothing to worry and my blood rush to a dead end when I know there is so much to worry and I chose to worry about complete nothingness..

Dear potential salary payee,
why would you not consider me though I may drool in my current display image? Have you talked to me and see if I have a burst of ideas for your organisation? DO you not appreciate my honesty in displaying you the other side of me which is not very often being displayed by many others who want to be part of your organisation? I seriously think you should consider me despite the not so flattering display :)




Then, if i post this up to the form (with a lil photoshop to the background), would that be able to secure me a platform where I will master the art of delegation to a bunch of chinese speaking people and get lots of invites to booze at nite?? I am hoping it would, honestly.

Tried to take some shots from the far-from-glamour digital device from home.
Not a very succesful attempt.

FAILED - ducked too low and too far from the angle

FAILED - ducked too left from the centre

FAILED - obviously dumb to over focus on my 'enrich' nosePASS -yeah, if i ever get convicted, i think they can use this on THE WANTED list...

Sigh, i guess I have no choice but to invest RM12 to take a dashing set of passport portraits from the photo shop..