A plastic being

my job and sometimes life sucks
everyday i have to suck it up and tread on
so i buy dolls to stand in front of me
to put in my bag, my car and everywhere
so that it can distract me from feeling damn low, like now
so that i can have some quiet moment and free from bossy instruction

they are like classy cats
they pose like a queen
they turn their heads like a renaissance model
they just mind their own business
while u watch and stare and play with their classy hair
like a classy queen cat with no grudge
that's what they are

she is my new addition to the family
which i just got via mail
and i refused to stare long at her
because i want to go home, have a shower and sit down
and let her be the queen
so i can admire, be impressed and be in full awe
of her awesomeness

we have no fate to be together
cus i lost her in less than 8 hours of getting her
it's not the money i felt losses for
it's like losing a new friend that i have known slightly and about to know all
because i have seen her for afar for many months
it's about losing this pillar of comfort
at that very time when i feel so low at work that i need a system support to my soul

u don't get it
u just don't get it

At Your Service

It was just yesterday when that man-made lion made a materialistic entrance to the office entrance.
The Chinese staff kept 'molesting' the tiger head, believing that it will bring more auspicious blessing.
The Indian staff have their smart (and non smart) phone all in camera mode, snapping 99 pictures of the same scene within 2 minutes - because it's a damn big cat that one will never be able to see. Except during Chinese New Year.

Seriously, I hate those specimen of cat-lion. It comes with battery operated forehead by the way.
Alot of the Chinese people at work do not understand why I despise it. I do not understand why they bother to think so deep why I am against it.
They just don't understand why I refused to put an orange and an angpau packet filled with money - to be blessed by the cat-lion.
And I just don't understand why they die-die also want the cat-lion (with 2 boys maneuvering it) to crack open a mandarin orange and collect the angpau underneath it. The cat-lion team is paid a hefty sum btw.

We were never on the same channel. I don't think I will ever be on the same radar anyway.
I miss the smell of corporatism. I miss the need to be seen and to see. I have the slightest interest to make a man-made cat-lion to bless me thru  out the year. I wanna be in a power suit doing presentation, holding a pointer or something of that like lah!!

It's the 7th day of Lunar New Year. New or not doesn't bring me much impact. But it was what I did today that make me fall apart.
I spent 85% of my time doing other's work. Because sometimes somehow, like fate is bestow upon us, we meet people who will just give us work. Their work. Some work. Extra work. And then they question you why can't you meet deadline. Then you can't retort back with, 'But it's not even my work. I am not a Customer Service Officer, nor am I a data entry clerk, or a clergyman helping you to do you whatever work that you cannot complete.'

No, we can't. It doesn't work that way.
So we take up the pile and we do.
Then we look at our own pile.
2 more days till deadline.
Nobody cares, I supposed no one remembers that I actually do have my own work scope given that I was paid a salary to perform a certain job skills set.

I want to start the year fresh.
I told myself to suck it in.
Because I can do it.
I will do it.
better than anyone else,
but it seems to be looking like an abuse by then.

I have been working on some seriously shit boring costing sheet for 2 days..
Only for the laptop to go sideway and not able to recognise the file and it went unsaved.
It broke me down. Real hard.
The re-do process was no doubt faster than when I first learnt the formulas needed to do that damn annoying Excel sheet.
But I was running out of my own time, to do my own things
Because when tomorrow comes, I gotta do things again.
For every other people but my own things..

The cat-lion made it's way to every workstation, searching for mandarin oranges with a stash of angpau below it.
It came to my station. Too many documents on the desk and no angpau to be seen. It nodded in displeasure and left.
It went to the room opposite.
On the table was a big fat mandarin orange, With a juicier angpau the size of a Samsung Galaxy Note 4.
The damn cat was prancing and wriggling it's materialistic ass all around, like a middle aged woman who have found a young man to bed. It pranced so long onto the desk, giving it's blessing (via a cat head manned by a boy), that I had time to time it.

I guess the boy in the cat-lion head had to do it.
It's his job.
So is mine.
At least he was smart enough to leave when there's no angpau on my desk.

Half of January gone!

All my weekend are spent on napping. Waking up and nibbled on some biscuits and nap again.
Then it's back to the work station.

I do think hard.
I seriously do.
Why the hell am I not able to finish up any work ever?

Took half a day off.
Cancelled that half day.
Forgot someone coming for interview.
FINE.

Wanted to sew a doll's dress for my lil' monsters.
E mails, text messages keep coming.
Request, instructions. pleas

Thought I need to pen down all work in the to-do list.
Stretched till March 2015.
It's only Jan 2015 now.

I am slowly phasing out from human interaction.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to talt to.
To rant, gossip without the political intent to kill
To tell stories of stupidity and to ignite some determination.

I have been avoiding making proper sentences over here
Cus it may not end
I haven't been to YSK for the past 2 weeks
I wonder if the domain still exist

I am tired
Just tired
Without even a full stop

no, i am not kidding

bitch 

how's my impression as the FLOM?

Fake

I just had to rant this out.
I wanted to do this on my Facebook wall, but then the risk of getting a warning is high XD

Its 1am now and am in my nook preparing 2015 sales forecast and projection.
Nothing much to project anyway because 2014 was really sucky and 80% of my time is spent on things I couldn't identify at work.

I needed to get some data to do this shit.
I have no data :/
I don't know where to start.

So I started to ponder why didn't I get any datas when everyone is having it.
It brings me back to this place that I really hate.
Maybe not the place, but you people!
Yes, you people who have contributed to my depression.

When all your faces appear in my mind, my stomach gets bloated.
My arms are hurting.
I don't know how long my jaw can stand from sending out fake smiles and acknowledging your presence.

Anyway, I am going to leave all nitty gritty of your work to yourselves. All I want this year in the office is to ward off all you people from my life.
I have diverted too much from the realm that I want to achieve. It's going no where. I am not blaming any of you.
It was me. It was me who have ignited these hurt onto myself by taking the negative potion out of your group of people.

Starting afresh, I just hope to gain back my momentum and not to be immersed into the cultures that all of you have cultivated.
No, not me. I don't belong to these typical culture derived from this particular area of the country.

OK, I am done and now back to work!

TODAY - 2015 Day 1

Nope, not going to have any new year resolution because 2 weeks after I REALLY did write down any, it's washed off my mind anyway.

All I really really secretly want is to go back to a size 12.
Yes, I want a 39" butt and that's it. Nothing more. I wanna be able to wear skint tight dresses like a super bitch. OK, now it's no longer a secret.

The whole of 2014 has been nothing but a series of depression mainly due to work. And I tell you, once depression hits, it takes damn a very long time to get back on track to being even slightly positive. It just doesn't seem to have anything much to look forward to. I am mentally drained and physically bloating!

I supposed there isn't anyone to be blamed unto except myself. Perhaps I am just not good at what I do. I think.

Procrastination, de-focus and attempting to multi-task just ain't gonna work.

I am secretly hoping to make some changes. On my own.

For this new year, see no resolution from me. All I wish to do is to start to read alot, document my daily task and hope that I will be able to create a healthier habit at life, at work and generally just hoping that I will survive another year with more ups than down. (this is so no me!)

Yeah, I think my objective in life is getting less complex when life hits 35. All I want to do is to be able to finish up my work, go home and do some miniature stuff for my dolls, add some dolls to my collection, buy lots of dresses and maintaining looking hot and I want to do all this with no worries :)



Happy New Year.