Yesterday I was someone. But I always thought that I am Suetha the Indian Classical Dancer. Then today I am Suhana. Day before I was Suet Mun. Welcome to my alter ego page..
And so I wore a dress. From Asos, Dorothy Perkins or from Topshop. Or you may spot me in the Aldo that you would never splurge on. And yes, I write about fashion. And coincidentally, I am in the line of work where I have to be stuck behind stage and limbering in the crowds of live mannequins flashing smiles that does not corellate with the trajectory of what the heart felt.
I hate none. I like none. It was a numbing session. I prefer to be in neutrality. I see no glam in putting on shoes, waiting to zip bustiers and transferring pecks. I do not despise, I do not anticipate. It is just part of life I am passing.
I hate noise. I seriously hate the buzzing of words. From you, you and you over here, there and there. The thousand words war. I surrendered. I had to. I am just not good enough. I thought of ending it. I always wonder what it feels like. To close the eyes and let loose of all limbs and drop. From 30 storey high. It must be cold. It could also be empty. Very blank.
Perhaps I have mutter one too much than I need to And so much noise reverberating back to me. I should have keep it al in the heart and abide. Abide and agree. It was always a better option.
For now, something is stopping me from looking down the 30 storey. Not now. Perhaps one day. But not now. Tomorrow I have to face it all over again. I will stop the benign.. hopefully.
But for now, I need to again sit in the toilet and shed some tears..
Facts of life are sometimes pretty tough to digest.
Which could explain why most of the time we are covered with ego labelled as confidence We are confident much that what have been decided in this mind is correct and shall not undergo any scrutinisation of any other second or third party.
They call this the instruction of the heart.
We do sometimes question ourself if it is right or not because what is in front seems a bit peculiar to digest. But our heart says it is the right path. And those darn self help books always say to 'follow your heart'.
If I were to follow my heart, by now I most probably am jobless and having difficulty to get online. I would have to sell off my car and commute out of this freaking flat via smelly public transportation.
Perhaps I won't be jobless. There should be some RM1200 a month kind of job as a barista in Starbucks if I am ever willing. I don't think I would want to borrow money. Because most probably I won't be able to pay back.
Instead I did not follow my heart. I have to go against it and brave out in this concrete valley. Where what you say and what you wear does matter. It is not that bad after all. Some soreness of putting on fake smile. Aching of back due to extensive girdle wearing. It is all OK. Torturing it is, but is fine. Because I have bow down to the needs of the society. But I can take it so far. Because they reward me with notes that have values that pays for a living.
If I were to follow my heart, by now I could also most probably be having 3 kids by the name of Siu Ling, Siu Ming and Siu Koon or some sort. Living in some under-developed land somewhere North and having difficulty to raise 3 kids because milk ain't free. I am also most probably more fluent in Hokkien than in English. Afterall, who needs English in some old town that is only famous for some stupid savoury mee.
Instead I opted to go my own path without the hassle of a lesser competitive other-half. Because I knew it. I am Beyonce the concrete woman who wants a lil' glory and achievement in life. And not worry about when will Dumex will increase price of milk powder. I want to go far. Because I need a living. And I need to reclaim some dignity in the society. OK la.. I just want to be famous at least.
If I were to follow my heart, I would have un-friend so many people in Facebook that intrudes my freedom to camwhore and to speak my mind in a more bold manner. But that would mean I would most probably have 10 'friends' left. Instead I politely leave the rest of the 399 'friends' around. Just so some of them can make their own life miserable by having grudges on what I display, what I say. But I still get your attention and your visits to my blogs. Thank you.
Sometimes I wish I can be opinionated and have such random debates with much content ;
Unfortunately I don't know how to. It could only means that ;
- I am a simple person who don't think much than I need to in my life
- I am not deep in thought and unable to analyse a lot of things (not surprised because i only want to be famous most of the time, without thinking how)
- I have no clue at all on the direction I want in life (this is scary)
Perhaps this concludes why I always hope that the world will end. And all of us will die at the same time. Because I seriously do not want to die and go to hell with no friends.
Dying together should be less painful. Because you just die without much time to regret about what have not been doing. After all you are going to meet the rest of those people you have met while you were alive anyway. So that is just like going down to another level but ina group. I am OK with it.
See how I am so simple in thoughts?
I never question why am I a Buddhist. Perhaps I don't really care and I prefer to just accept it willingly. And perhaps make use of it. To have something, someone, some statues to ask for help when sales target are not met. Yeah, I am just that simple. Again I do not question if the asking for help works. Perhaps I shouldn't even analyse. Because I am still in the same job. Perhaps my cry for help does work. That's all and I shall not further analyse. Because I won't know how to and where do I start to ponder.
Let me swing back my topic to what is intended - the heart and mind. (Darn! By now I have again forgotten what have I wanted to say earlier....)
I would like to believe that I am a heartless person. Or my ability to have some hearty judgement have been simmered with the greed of the world and later pasteurised into parts of my mind to form a lackadaisical output of action. In another word, I am simply not bothered / bland / neutral. While not forgetting I need to sustain a living and will have to go along with what the society have percepted us to be.
Wait... I think I may have sounded like a lallang..... with not much direction despite knowing my origin..
Oh gosh.. when will the world end?
I am like a broken garuda - who sways when the wind comes ;(
tomorrow I will use a toothpick to poke this annoying rashes or sort on my arms.. hmmph
All this long holidays are not doing me good.
So much eating and no activities. It's already Wednesday now. And tomorrow is Thursday.
The financial year end just ended. And there is a new year ahead.
Sometimes it is rather irritating to comprehend to this cycle that involves life, work, and everything that's literally, practically comes in a circular motion. There's birthday every year. So are new years. Chinese New Year, the Sikh New Year, malay New Year and all the new years that you can get. Then there is a beginning of a new calendar year. A new financial year for an operating company.
It's totally a big, never ending cycle. Every year, you have 1,23 strangers in Facebook to greet you Happy Birthday while you secretly hopes for a boyfriend / girlfriend. In my case, I hope to have more prosperity =P. And you blow some candles, eat some cakes and the next day is just another day. That you may or may not look forward to. But it is just another day. And the boyfriend / girlfriend is nowhere to be seen. In my case, I am still not prospering.
Then you have all the new years for all the race in the whole wide world. And you lit some lights, or sing some carols and burn some joss sticks and make more resolution for the coming phase of life - which is the new year after. And tomorrow is still the same. You go to work. Use your brain and work your ass off.
At each financial year end, there are targets to meet before it ends. And when it does end, there are more targets to meet for the next financial year end. So when exactly do I get a shit breather? And so now, while the financial year end is due to end tomorrow (1st Sept) I am now working on reports and marketing campaigns in order to attempt to achieve the next year target.
I.am.tired. Perhaps I slept too much. Perhaps I ate too much.
I sometimes wonder.
What is the purpose? The purpose of living. The purpose of life.
Of living a routine life. Going home to a stash of laundry that needs to be washed and folded later on.
Going thru the fridge to find something edible. Only to find nothing.
Having seated and start planning for the day after.
While feeling so bloated from eating stuff that the neighbours passes on. And this adds more issues to think about. Should I drink some laxative and kill the bloating? Would I get fat from constantly eating free passed on food. If I do turn fat, how do I face this cruel working world where looks matter before you can start talking about your big master grand plan in corporatising batik. but of course, there are some not very good looking people selling batik. And they usually do not score the deals as much...
The matter of the point here is not about me feeling fat, mind you. It's just a metaphor to
For the past couple of months, all I could think of is making enough to live a better life. but damn... I just realised, nothing is ever enough. And when is enough actually enough? Because it is still not enough as at now.
I worked till wee hours. I freelance in between meals and conversation and toilet time and sometimes travel time. Then I go home and administer this Pasar Night where I deal with jerks who send me gentle reminders that they need money to pay for room rental and need to sell of their impulse clothes purchases. ( seriously, who ask you to buy clothes when you cant afford room rents?). Occasionally I deal with non-business minded
cowards who want to make it but don't want to risk breaking anything and relenting to let me utilise my expertise in reaching their goals and my goals.
I know I can't conquer the world. You may conquer the whatever Himalaya or Everest shit, but that's not considered as conquering world. At least not even with a purpose if you ask me.
I remembered reading somewhere about a Rinpoche in Nepal or Tibet that tells about the story of the King of Bhutan who does not allow any sources of external exposure like television or any form of media to reach it's people. And the people were happy with their current state of life. Most probably eating big fat juicy rats caught in some molehills and still happy. Until the day when Nepal or Tibet (I can't recall) decides to open its door for modernisation and the people gets a feel of the outside world, they start to question and compare their state of life with others out there. I supposed they are like me in my current situation too- what the hell am I doing now, and what is the entire purpose of eating juicy rats when people are eating this juicy Grilled Chicken Burgers from McD.
I was about to continue writing this in much sorrow when I was remembered something. About this person whom I have avoided because of the constant preaching I get from her on how perfect her life is and how me, and perhaps everyone else in the community should follow her steps in attaining nirvana-hood to a perfect life. She never have praises about others, but only to herself. And most probably her IT gadgets. She can go on and on about her greatness. I followed the flow of this murky river till one day I decides that enough is enough. Why would I want to continue bathing myself in a murky river when there is a sea of fresh water out there. And so life goes on for me and the rest of us who felt that it is better off to stay out of this negative stash of Thing. I totally forgotten about this person existence until she made some metaphoric comparison that resembles me in this small lil world of Facebook.
I learnt something despite my grudges today - that I have long learnt to let go of things deem unnecessary and look forward to more things ahead. Meanwhile,some people kept standing at the murky bay splashing water hoping that the fishes would come to the shore ;) We made a conclusion. We (some mutual friends) concluded that this person is seriously not happy about her own life hence she have to distract own self with unimportant things like forever holding grudges to unnecessary humans like me or any other person who have avoided her regal nagging.
I should be grateful I managed to escape from the murky water. And have lots of great friends around me who takes me as it is. I should be grateful that I still have a job that outsiders can see how passionate I am when talking about what I do. I should also be grateful that I at least own a roof and a vehicle unlike the anneh who guards the apartment unit in return of some Rukun Tetangga allowance to make ends meet.
I think I may have an objective in this humble little life of mine - to compliment those that I bump into thru out my journey in life..
great friends for life ;) | the VRNDA album that I finally managed to get hold of
I can't recall how many months have I been doing Yoga in Swarupa (nop, not by Miss Swarupa apparently). And I can't possibly write a journal about yoga and me. Because.. standing fat at 70kg, there really isn't much to boast about me (the 70kgs one) and yoga.
But I have been enjoying each session very much. It is a much more productive activity to do than to sit in front of the PC Facebooking and writing blogs.
Which reminds me, The Star paper today had an article that mentions that a study have shown that those who watches TV for more than 2hours aday reduces their life span by 22 minutes per 2 hours of watching TV. I wonder if the same theory applies to stalking Facebook. Because that involves lots of heavy sitting in front of another Idiot Screen..And I could have been shortened off my life for at least 4 hours a day.
A session of workshop conducted in Swarupa Yoga Studio
I can't really judge if I am doing my asanas (poses) correctly as it's pretty subjective.
I mean when you are asked to roll your shoulder back and then drop it down again and lift your neck and look forward and tuck your butt in and push your chest out... just how much do you roll your shoulder back and how droop is a drop shoulder and and how do you correlate a tucked butt and hip while keeping the chest abreast. It is a pretty complicated relationship of all the bodily parts.
But overall, despite a challenge to self correct, it is truly an enjoyable session nevertheless. I have become accustomed to tadasanas with a rolled back and dropped down later shoulder =D
Many people have been asking me where did I go for my yoga and if I managed to slim down after the session. I have no scientific prove to tell you what yoga really does. In fact till now, I do not really know what does it really do except to boast my own ego (in being able to follow instruction and perform asanas correctly) without much hassle. Yes, it is an ego-booster. For me.
vraksana
When you realise that you are able to perform certain stances and hold on to it till guruji finished correcting everyone, how can you not be so proud of yourself!! OK, perhaps by now you would think that I am super Kiasu. But for a person who relies of KPI (key performance index) at work and every action needs to garner results, being able to achieve the asanas really did bring much hope to the sometimes miserable life! Not being able to achieve a constant sales of RM300,000 on a monthly basis sometimes (or most of the time) do kill your confidence ALOT. And it is good to be able to leave the work and sales stress off a bit with some Pranayama and asanas over the weekend.
downward dog
Swarupa Yoga is located in Bangsar, along the main stretch of Telawi. Needless to say it is a must stop destination for yogis who wants a lil bit of the BKS Iyengar mode of yoga teaching. And Iyengar Yoga is Mr BKS Iyengar style of teaching accumulated throughout his practise as a yogi. I wouldn't know what is the difference between one guruji and another guruji because this is my first introduction to the world of yoga and I think I am pretty comfortable with the amount of stretches I am getting here. To know more what it is all about, go HERE
sethu bhandha sarvangasana
If you do know me as a friend personally, I am sure you know I have a lot of mental distress. I am easily stressed about work, what I wear, what I say and literally, practically everything that I can look upon to get stressed at. And having sales target more often than not stress me the most that I normally have nightmares on how I got hit by a mouse while doing sales report. There are also time when I dream of having heart attack while meeting customers. But I am most stressed when I heard rumours about how shirts that I measured and tailored cannot fit nicely. That really is a confidence bummer =(
I am relieved to say that now most of the stress that bugs me still bugs me of course. But with a heave of breath, I am now more tolerable to the amount of pressure thrown to me. I don't know if this is good or bad because there are times when I am able to take things more relaxed and it leads to procrastination =P
As at now I am still 70kgs and still eating. So I can't really tell you that you will be able to achieve a lean and super slender 45kg you. But I can see the rest of the yogis in the advance classes are as lean as a roll of chee cheong fun, if you need to be assured of.
One day, I hope to be able to achieve this without heart attack..
To share this interesting excerpt from a friend's philosophical thought about yoga
Yoga - a kind of witchcraft, yeah I hope I can purge out ringgit note when doing my asanas if it is a kind of withcraft -_-
Don't you hate it when you stumble upon people who loves to pick a topic to stir and does not use the idylic time to ponder what can they do to enhance / improve their life or go help some poor orphans and old uncles in the old folks home. Instead, they sit and home and start bantering about nitty griity issues on how picking a nose is a sin, taekwondo is satanic, or perhaps falling in love is a cultish thing to do.. urgghh
And with a short invocation to Sage Patanjali, you can now start your yoga session ;)
