Period rants

It's not a style of mine to write when I am depressed. I may write when I am aggravated, irritated, but never when my minds do not sync with my heart. I try to reason that maybe it's the time of the month when we human with labias have to go thru the whole PMS session. I try very much to rationalise and analyse every thought that come pouring into my mind.

Could it be that I may have been overly sensitive towards things that perhaps I should not? I tried de-sensitising .. but I couldn't find an answer to the question that have been lingering. Urrghhh!! i need my sleep!! There is early appointment tomorrow!! But I couldn't help myself to hammer down some utter nonsense.. merely to release some displeasure that have been making a murky pool of shit in my mind.

Kept telling myself its the time of the month!!! Did some womenly check to see if there is any persisting syndrome for the attack of the bloody sanitary week.. nope, still early.. Then why am I developing such discomfort at the thought of the whole scenario?

The last time the same thing happened was also during pre-bloody attack. My mind wanders. I develop thoughts that came pouring non stop.. I kept telling myself to get over it!!! Get over it!!! And I am still telling myself to get over it now!!!

HUman behaviour is hard to understand. now I understand why Facebook, Friendster and any of those networking sites have to list a long categories of selection for people to select, on their status, their relationship, their everything.. people simply are getting more complex in lightining speed.. Gender can be male, female, hemale, shemale. One sexual orientation diverted to mono, bi, hetero, tri, and maybe beta-sexual. Who knows..

One day people behave like they are the most sincere soul mother earth can produce. On another day, something must have wriggled up to their ass and they had a change of identity to another individual with bare resemblance to the one u know.. People around just do not know how to adapt!! I for sure have no idea do I adapt or not adapt?

I hate to have to use my thoughts on anything besides making money or WORK.. but this time around, i think I have used too much of that lil mind of mine... I don't really need people around me to tell me my acts are wrong and I should be able to stand up for something that I think is right for the sake of the human with labias!!!

I tried to defy the rights and follow the heart.. but then I got confused... could it be the sway of the heart or i may be simply dazed with a situation that I have never been placed upon... I could go on and on about this... after all I am aware i am uttering nonsense...



Sigh.. do i go ahead or not?

I am Back

nope, i am not asleep

from that long week in Berlin... with no symptoms of jet lagged.. I supposed all lazy people will never suffer from jet lag.. since napping is their leisure activity.. how hard to adjust?
It was a long week of work and lots of eating. I do nt know why we are advised to eat a lot. maybe because we need the energy to work and maybe because of the weather which is freaking freezing but not snowing .. but to pack in silence 0f 15 hard boiled eggs, 12 bottles of yogurt drinks, 5 plain bread, 4 more sets of breads with scramble eggs, a plastic foil filled with a variety of ham, 2 fistful of butter and some other assortment which I may not be aware of ,during the buffet breakfast is a bit overly Asian of us, don't ya think so? :) before someone masterminded the silence packing we had the equally the same amount if not more food than the packing.. in fact i think it shud be more, as we are not able to pack the pancakes without soiling it, the mango and kiwi ( which i ate alot since its expensive in Malaysia) dipped in yogurt with blueberry sauce, the Vienna sausages, the 100 types of cheese, the 100 types of fish in different assortment from grilled salmon to pickled dory and stuffs.. the 10 types of cereals and muesli, the 5 more types of mult vitamins juices, the omg so freaking delicious grilled button mushroom, the continuos flowing of beer, wine, and anything alcohol for breakfast??, and the variety of bread which may look the same as those in KL, but taste lots, lots better.. so.. anyway, thats what we had for breakfast..

the buffet spread from over the table where we did our silence packing :)

all cleared up, the greedy Asian culture

As for the food we packed, its for the in between break and dinner.. not forgetting there are boxes of maggi instant noodles in the room along with packets of crackers, nice cookies from the Netherlands, fruit platter, packs of necafes and milos and a counter of alcohol with ciggies included :D

yup, that's just how much we had in a day...greedy Asian..

AkaSha

This is Akasha the band, not the malay wannabe malay singer ...

I am not aware of their existence though I am a big fan of people who can do the mridangam and sitar and tabla.. all the ta din nak ke ta din nak ke ta din din really amazes me...

In fact its a childhood dream for me to do carnatic... which is still not materialised now... blame it on lack of self esteem :) and me not being an Indian in genes..

The music is great!!!!! Makes me feel like an Indian all over again ... :)

I know that macha on the left .... and he never told me he was into the carnatic hype thingy !!!

Nope, he mentioned nothing about it when we had banana leaf rice...dammit!!!! else i could have begged for free carnatic class :P

Pharmacist by day and percussionist on the stage, u da man !!!!

Go catch their debut performance. I would sure go :)

22 & 23rd March 2009, 8.05pmPentas 1,

KL Performing Arts Centre (KLPAC) Sentul.

Tickets: RM 57,

(Including RM 2 box office charge and FREE INTO...AKASHA CD!!)

Call: KLPAC @ 03 40479000or visit www.klpac.org

Me a Crybaby??

I am adamant that I have been of a very strong character thought the years that I live as a human.
I have endured so much tho not as much as many other more unfortunate ones. But nevertheless I have gone thru a lot of things in life which makes me stronger and instill a certain traits of behaviour in me.
I do cry when I look back at things that have occured. I cry of regret. I cry of sympathy.. but i know most of the time I cry of tiredness..
I am tired.. really tired of fighting..
It has come to my realisation also sometimes that little things that occurs do give you an insight of people and give you a better view of your own expectation in many aspects..
When Pa died, I cry of regret. So regretted that I did not do much more than I could when he is alive. Now i till cry. I think I should do better. I really do think I should..

I cry when my money in the bank is depleting. I cry in fear.
In fear that I would not have suficient fund to shoulder all the responsibilities under me.The utilities, the house, the loans, the old lady at home, the fuel! By then my cry of fear turn to regret. Regretting to not even bother to do better in what I do now or get a new platform of work that provides more means of income.
But I am blessed with a very good boss who took care of me in times of bad. Who tries her very best to ensure I don't commit suicide out of anxiety or depression. Who even takes the time to come all the way from nowhere to get me home safely when my car broke down.

I cry in depression, when I am faced with a dateline or a target that I am bound to fail in achieving. Again, kiasuness is taking charge of my mind. I keep telling that I should do better and there should be no obstacles to whatever that I am to go thru. but its never a bed of roses. Eventually I learnt to take a deep breath and talk myself out of it. Reminding myself that things do happen for a reason. And a visually bad result does not necessarily mean the what-will-happen-next is goin to be bad too.. It may. But let's hope that It wont. Ya, I am trying to be positive.

And today I cried again.. Hmmm.. i seem a cry baby..
I cried.. because I no longer am able to take up the stress of having my car breaking down so often than my mentsruation.
It was a cry of tiredness. it's never so much about the car. It's when you realise the person that you thought is the person who will be by your side, it doesnt need to be all the time, only at times when you need them.. decides that there is more better things to do than be by your side and share your fear in handling a broken down car..and it took so much time of negotiation wether it's worth their time to even be by your side... which woke me.. I know what I needed then..
I don't need a passionate lover if you can't be one. I don't need your money tho I am in desperation to rake as much money to survive. I don't even need you to be a 24/7 company as I believe in individual moments at certain situation.
I am not weak. Wait, I may be weak sometimes.. After all I am born with a brain and breasts. So I come attached with some emotional quotient..
When you only can share good moments and not bad times together, it really does clears up everything in my mind.. I just have to come to conclusion that I would have to settle these arising issues during bad times on myself and move on, with or without you doesn't matter..
By the time I realises this, I no longer cry in frustration. I cry in awe because I have learnt something new again today..oh!! and I think I do not hold any grudges towards you. You are just you in your 'selfish' self. And I am just me who can always rely on the mechanic who repeatedly cheated my money till my credit cards goes off limits.. but at least the mechanic will come when I call...
And to all friends who called and make sure I was not abducted by any machas in a secluded petrol station in the midst of nowhere.. thanks.. at least u all care.. :)

:)

Post Hanoi Trip - Jan 10th 2009

ribbons to accesorise

self made head gear

neckwear

accessories

more accessories

self made accessories

fake accessories

cheap items as accessories

more cheap stuffs

flowers

all accessories used up :)



we made the stuff :)