Yesterday I was someone. But I always thought that I am Suetha the Indian Classical Dancer. Then today I am Suhana. Day before I was Suet Mun. Welcome to my alter ego page..

Yours truly,
Suhana Suetha

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Me a Crybaby??

I am adamant that I have been of a very strong character thought the years that I live as a human.
I have endured so much tho not as much as many other more unfortunate ones. But nevertheless I have gone thru a lot of things in life which makes me stronger and instill a certain traits of behaviour in me.
I do cry when I look back at things that have occured. I cry of regret. I cry of sympathy.. but i know most of the time I cry of tiredness..
I am tired.. really tired of fighting..
It has come to my realisation also sometimes that little things that occurs do give you an insight of people and give you a better view of your own expectation in many aspects..
When Pa died, I cry of regret. So regretted that I did not do much more than I could when he is alive. Now i till cry. I think I should do better. I really do think I should..

I cry when my money in the bank is depleting. I cry in fear.
In fear that I would not have suficient fund to shoulder all the responsibilities under me.The utilities, the house, the loans, the old lady at home, the fuel! By then my cry of fear turn to regret. Regretting to not even bother to do better in what I do now or get a new platform of work that provides more means of income.
But I am blessed with a very good boss who took care of me in times of bad. Who tries her very best to ensure I don't commit suicide out of anxiety or depression. Who even takes the time to come all the way from nowhere to get me home safely when my car broke down.

I cry in depression, when I am faced with a dateline or a target that I am bound to fail in achieving. Again, kiasuness is taking charge of my mind. I keep telling that I should do better and there should be no obstacles to whatever that I am to go thru. but its never a bed of roses. Eventually I learnt to take a deep breath and talk myself out of it. Reminding myself that things do happen for a reason. And a visually bad result does not necessarily mean the what-will-happen-next is goin to be bad too.. It may. But let's hope that It wont. Ya, I am trying to be positive.

And today I cried again.. Hmmm.. i seem a cry baby..
I cried.. because I no longer am able to take up the stress of having my car breaking down so often than my mentsruation.
It was a cry of tiredness. it's never so much about the car. It's when you realise the person that you thought is the person who will be by your side, it doesnt need to be all the time, only at times when you need them.. decides that there is more better things to do than be by your side and share your fear in handling a broken down car..and it took so much time of negotiation wether it's worth their time to even be by your side... which woke me.. I know what I needed then..
I don't need a passionate lover if you can't be one. I don't need your money tho I am in desperation to rake as much money to survive. I don't even need you to be a 24/7 company as I believe in individual moments at certain situation.
I am not weak. Wait, I may be weak sometimes.. After all I am born with a brain and breasts. So I come attached with some emotional quotient..
When you only can share good moments and not bad times together, it really does clears up everything in my mind.. I just have to come to conclusion that I would have to settle these arising issues during bad times on myself and move on, with or without you doesn't matter..
By the time I realises this, I no longer cry in frustration. I cry in awe because I have learnt something new again today..oh!! and I think I do not hold any grudges towards you. You are just you in your 'selfish' self. And I am just me who can always rely on the mechanic who repeatedly cheated my money till my credit cards goes off limits.. but at least the mechanic will come when I call...
And to all friends who called and make sure I was not abducted by any machas in a secluded petrol station in the midst of nowhere.. thanks.. at least u all care.. :)

:)

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