That Wesak Post

I did nothing the nite before and nothing too on the day of Wesak.
In fact, it never occured to me Wesak is for people who are Buddhist. I thnk I got it jumbled up with the event where people go climb Batu Caves. That's Thaipusam. Either one, I know set birds for free. And that is how far my knowledge is. As a Buddhist.

Wait..

I am not even sure if I am a Buddhist. I could be a Taoist. Or does a Buddhist practises Taoist method of living? If so, is Taoism a religion? Or a practise? Seriously, I have no idea. But for sure it's rare to see people filling in forms declaring they are Taoist. Everyone is a Buddhist. Or they seem to be.
I have no idea why does the crowd of people of all ages actually walk behind the procession during Wesak. people say it's to pay respect and to celebrate the day? the Buddha? I am again not sure. but I know these people are munching on titbits, talking to each other and stealing glances to check out hot aunties, babes and hunks around once in a while.

If it's a Flora fest, people who follow behind the procession trucks are normally mascots. But during a religious procession, we have people of all ages and behavioural acts. I did not feel a slight of excitement or dissapointment either when I have to slow my car down to make way for them. I have a sense of nothingness. Seeing people walking behind the truck with a Buddha statue brightly lit with neon lights. For a second or two, it did zap across my mind that I am not a very good practitioner of religion. Yeah, in fact, I don't practise.

Wait. Maybe I do.

Every morning before I leave to work I will lit a joss stick or two to the Goddess of Mercy and the ancestor altar. Not forgiving to ask a favour to ensure I have sales for the day.

Sometimes I feel bad. It seems as though my purpose of even litting a joss-stick would be to ask for miraculous sales figure to drop from the sky and shower me with extravagant hopes of being free financially.
Once in a while when I see crowds of people litting joss-sticks and getitng hyped out in religious events, I do ask myself; Have I sinned? If I do, in what way? I did scratched a few cars, have bad thoughts and yelled at people, and sometimes mom too (she's irritating)


Have I been a good practitioner of what I regards as a religion in me? After all, I have a thought of installing a stripper pole in front of the altar table..because that is the only location that can fit the 8 feet pole.


THIS girl literally, practically, physically, mentally dreamt of gurus in her religion. And mom sometimes do manage to dream of 4 digits that she can buy lottery on and hope to strike the jackpot. It's been a while since I ever had any dreams.Yeah, I don't even have leeway for dreams. The most memorable dream I ever had would be the time when I was hit by a giant mouse (not the rodent) while doing my sales report.
And so... yeah, I do feel empty. Sometimes. Not because of the lack of sexual desire. Mostly due to work and empty being a person..


I don't know what it takes to make a fuller life. And is it even necessary? If making one to pray to attain the liberation to go to Heaven, then I may not want to do so. Because I haven't seen what's in there for me in Heaven. 


Oh, it never occured to me to be a keen participant of being deeply religious just so I can go to heaven while I pen this down. The more I write the more I felt that having a religion isn't so much of having a tool to ensure nirvana. It's more of a segregation of people to a cluster of their own. So that they have a topic to debate and start hating each other. 


Ok, not fair for me to generalise in such manner. After all, I hate human kind. Hence my definition to life is sometimes much more different from a normal being.


I do know, in my sane mind that people follows a certain religion because they feel at peace with the teachings, and are liberated in a way  that only they themself can tell. 


But I don't know about myself. I hate protocols. I am not very consistent in saying out prayers (if I need to), litting joss stick (if I have to), chanting out mantras (if I even know). 


Maybe one day, when I lost everything, then I will have all the time to ponder and turn to god again.


That is if God doesn't hate me like what mom keep saying...