A Matter of Mind

For the past couple of weeks, been contributing to the succession of Hoergarden and Kilkenny against the generic Carlsberg and Heineken. I would really like to be able to tell people that I am an alcoholics. I won't mind being labeled as a problematic person undergoing incontrollable urge to drink and labeled an alcoholic. The very least, people know me for something.. 'Hey!! That's the alcoholic bitch I told ya all about!' That's really something to put a mark in their mind. Enough to justify my presence have been felt. Though maybe in a negative way as perceived. But I do not regard that as negative. If one day people gossip about me being kept by some old fug as a sex toy, I accept with open arms and boobs. I am glad that my acts are acknowledged despite some thinking I am such a bitch.. but hey!! at least i got an old fug who can keep me.. as a pet and u have a boy friend to pay for =P
But
But
But
I am not hardcore enough to be an alcoholic.. i only get to enjoy the sinful drink when the prosecutor from terengannu returns to KL for seminars and exams..
I am also not qualified to be kept, simply because I have smaller boobs compared to the clerk next door. Who has 3 heads. Get it? Get it?   =P

Ming were telling us about the most common cause of cancer - stress. Which I pondered for 2 days.
Very true.
I have also put that in my list of possibilities that will bring to my own death.
Committing suicide, tho in the list but does not top the list.  Tho there are many a times, I felt like speeding and ram the car off the flyover. I wanted to feel what it feels like to die with flying motion..
Cutting ownself is too much a pain for coward like me. I still prefer the ramming and die of panic and got crushed and closes the chapter of life in a blink.
I also don't want to be raped to death. That's cruel. To die with no underwear intact. And end up being found in a sewage covered with everyone's poop.
Have you wondered if one can cry to death? I tried doing so and banged my head on the wall. It didn't bleed, but only damn painful. And I am worried I may turn dumber but survived.
I think I have found my own death point - cancer due to stress.
It's like a very certain thing that will materialise..Am beginning to understand how it develops too. When one is stressed, for no particularly BIG reason, complication to breathe occur. Head suddenly felt heavy. The mind often than not keep having whirlwind of stuff to think.About everything.. anything.. but all things seemed more like an issue than a solution. Everything seem to be at the wrong side of perspective..
Yes, I have this on a daily basis..
And while having whirlpool of thoughts dashing into minds, I sometimes managed to envisions stuffs and issues that I have been searching for an answer to.... among which is the principle to stand up for what you think is something that you ought to voice out. with proper facts of course and reasonable reasoning. I have forgotten these traits for some time. WHich I do realise but always brushes it off.. always reminding I am just not good enough to be opinionated. And I do not have the freedom of speech simply because I am not a perfect person.
Yes, that is just how fragile I am despite having a loud voice and daring to grab hold of people's groin just for a dare to challenge session...  :/
And today, I vow to change..drastic or not.. in fact, it's not a change.. merely back to what used to be there..
And many other things to come too... there may not be much time left, since the chances of me dying early is quite high.. so I shall and must take things one day at a time..
To make a vow is a stressful ambition. To materialise the vow made is equally stressful if not traumatically stressfull. To think of the consequences is to build more stress..
Battered stress today by falling asleep in the car for an hour in the parking lot
Tomorrow shall be better... hopefully..
What a panache... a cancerous cell... benign stress...

Be who u are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind..

u mind?

leave me alone...

i really nid to sob to detoxify the cells within...