Relucent

Out of nowhere, there is this almost unrelated matter that come crossing to my mind while I was having dinner tonight. 

I realised I no longer bear as much grudge and anger in me when I hear about inequality at work. About how unfair one is to another. About how some people are taking the work place as a caring home rather than a proper working space for the purpose of self development.

I no longer care that an Assistant Manager will have executives under them on the pretext that they have so much under their arm that their arms can grow fat. And so they will need to hire more irrelevant people to assist in growing lazier. And fatter.

I no longer care that I, as a Manager have to work everything on my own and later be blamed of not being able to finish my work. And that I have spent so much time on doing small little things that could have been done by others. I once looked around and try to decipher who are these 'others' they are referring to. 

I no longer care about even asking for help to do any piece of shit, The last I asked a favour to find a piece of paper on my desk, all I got was a piece of text messages asking me not to give instruction to their employee to do my personal work. And that if I need to, I will need to get permission. To move a leg of others. Okay. Perhaps, going over to my desktop and look for a piece of quotation is something too personal for me to even ask a favour of. Fine. I will gladly get it done once I get back from meeting. All I need to do is to manage my hungry client's expectation and inform them everyone in the office are bound to own-desk policy and won't be able to lift anything else from their colleagues' desk. Fine.

I no longer care on the whereabout of these species who vehemently, dedicate and persistently insisted that everyone-fucking-homosapiens related to sales will need to beep their whereabout in a group chat. And they themselves failed terribly and shamefully to even follow own initiatives. Leadership by example they call this.

I no longer would want to waste my 3 seconds looking at someone's face trying to understand them or their problems. By all mean, go die on your own if you must insist.

It's a cycle that I go thru. Day in. Day out. But today.. I realised I seriously have no sensation to my heart. 2 months back when I come across these situation, my chest turn red, and I feel a certain heat emanating from the inside. All that I feel like doing now is to rub my stomach and think of what I want to eat for lunch.

I have come to realisation. Why must I care? It is never a responsibility of a single person to move an organisation. An if a tree comes with rotten roots, let me just be the passing pussy, urinating by the side and leave.  I am not going to be the pussy who will be bothered to dig out some sand and leave some breathing space for the dying root. 

I always have a dream. To be like that woman I saw in Aveda workshop. Confidently reading out the brand's vision and mission without even looking at the slide. With her head held high and her hand gesturing all the visions of the brand, she seemed so convinced and I am totally so convinced seeing how one can actually be so attached to the organisation's beliefs. 

That is what I want to be.

I am becoming a relucent.

And the above were written some time back......a couple of week back I think.
The Asst manager was very short lived.. LOL!

Okay lah... I actually love my job, to be honest.
I gave in a lot of my time and effort. I love problem solving those sometimes confronting customers is a BIG challenge. Sometimes it turn into fear.
But all in I love the cycle.

Things are not getting any better aside from these daily work related stuff.
I think it's not me. It really isn't me.

Family and friends oriented organisation just don't work. Some does, WHEN they have the same vision. But when you have people of different vision, never perceive that things will go as what you envision.
IMHO la....

I am hoping for a change for myself for 2016.
I really cannot be stuck in this place where all they are bothered with is how good are you saying YES to every other request be it relevant or not.

This is a very messy post.. because I do not want to waste part of what I have written =D

Coming up with a wrap up of 2016 very soon!

Eat Me Alive

This is not a new thing.
I have always been planning to leave.
One day.
One fine day.

I think everyone will come to a stage of wanting to leave the mundane, stress contributing rat race that they are in and settle for something lesser in psychology burden before they really do collapse mentally, physically, entirely.

My arm, shoulder, back and fingers are numb.
I think it's some muscle spasm. It's been a week I have trouble consistently putting my hand on the desk trying to reply emails. My emotion is so low. It's like working in great enduring pain.
I don't know if it's the pain of the swollen muscle or merely the stress of having to turn up to this stage with a crowd I am not comfortable with.

I cannot stretch my hand at work. The width of the banquet table where I am seated doesn't permit that. I will be crossing the border to another person's desktop.
I felt the cramp, the close proximity and the uneasiness of this destined spot of mine.
I guess I ought to be grateful. Because people around me are sane. On the othwer end of this crowded community, it's crazy.
But I am not happy.

Merely a servant to the divine clan.
Merely an existence.
Merely a presence for survival.

I am not happy.
That rewards are based on how well you fare in abiding to nonsensical request,
I don't take nonsense as part of my work.
You go figure the outcome.

Everyday, it's eating me up.
With people making decision based on personal favour.
With decision bearing ridiculous personal growth.
I think I have been stunted.
In my believe to self worth, to passion and to live.

I am not happy.

Eat me alive.

RM20 note and some food

These are some of my much loved vinyls that I have beside my desk. It keeps me sane. 

Underneath both of them is a 20 ringgit note given to me to buy myself a cuppa coffee. 

3 months back, if the money comes onto my hand, I think I will not hesitate to walk over to the branded coffee store and get myself a cuppa for real.

 I stared at this piece of note for a moment.

20 ringgit

Can buy me a cuppa that cost me  for RM14 if I want delicious tasting one

Or RM9 for a cuppa so-so cappucino or latte.

20 ringgit 

Cannot buy me, the girl next to me, the girl in front of me and the girl 2 seats aways from me the same kinda coffee that I wanted from the branded store.

So I put it aside, to be safekept by my vinyls. Because, tomorrow will be Thursday and there will be a Buy1 Free 1 promo at Chatime =D

With that, all 4 of us can have a cup each =D

Happy!

Then there was this person in the same agency who came back with some food.

It was a big bag. No one was really hungry, but I guess there needs to be some diplomatic act once in a while to foster some relationship yada yada. With a luxury bag the cost of 4 clerks' wages and a big bag of food, she took out selectively for selected individual. I took no notice but there was some fumbling communication. And out of this group of 4 person, 2 were given food, another were given food too, and another did not get any. Guess who did not get any? *guess lah!* 

'I really did not mean to look at what was happening, and I guess we caught glances and there were no other choices but to hand out some for me too. This is just too embarrassing." so says the other one who were not mean to be part of the elite team who got handouts. LOL!

'Oh well, at least u got! I got nothing.' so I said.

It really isn't about the handout.

But from this I have learnt. I 

The old typical Chinese me from way back may behave in such manner too - having selective preference and distastefully show it to others for the mean of belittling people.

It would be so fun to look at the reaction of those who did not get to be in the 'selected peers'.

perhaps thats what's embedded in the mind of those who do such act.

Then I tried to recall how I treated Mirza and the rest of my batik team mates.

Wait! I just realised I have never practise such act. In return, I still have these girls contacting me after so many years, I guess I must have done a pretty good job.

Then I asked myself. Here I am, if I put myself in the position as someone from the receiving end but was the odd one out, what is this person expecting of my reaction?

I have no answer.

But at the end of this observation, I am pretty much relieved with how I handle  this and how this has affected me.

I pass this whole scene of with a smile of profoundness. That I am one step forward to becoming a leader. Despite a lot of my weakness. A miniscule step but slowly progressing.

I have realised how much a human person I am against these who have opted to not see beyond the ir shoulder of nepotism. 

And with this, I hope one day I will be able to gain respect from others despite my profanity. Because I choose to see each one as a human whom I will value equally, As long as I can afford.

I was always reminded that I am not there yet. That I am not on par. That I do not fit the corporate scheme. Because of my loudness, my profanity perhaps. 

And today I have just found someone who definitely does not fit in at all. As a leader, as a role model. Not me, sorry.

So I said to the girl who is a lil' disturbed, "It's OK, tomorrow's Chatime will be on me. Someone gave me RM20 and we can share!

'Nah nah nah!!! You say one ah!!!

Yup ;")

Why Don't I Get a Cuppa?

"Those girls above the floor got branded coffee"
"Those operation people at the floor below us got coffee, but the cheaper version"
"Why we don't get a cuppa? What are we?"

And the girl seated next to me asked. For once, I don't have a definite answer.

"Perhaps, if I put this in a metaphor - there's a bunch of stray dogs and there are some with cute faces and then there are those with dirty hair, so they get different treatment by passerby."

"OK, so what category are we?"

I really do not have an answer to pacify her restlessness.

"Well, perhaps you are under the category of dogs with flees, nobody wanna even give you a look."

So she rolled her eyes and wasn't pleased with my reply but continued her work.

"You know? It's not really about me not getting a cuppa, but why the segregation of some who got higher end ones, some lower end grades one and some NONE!?"

To which I remarked;

"If you feel under-appreciated and not rewarded for a mere cuppa, always tell yourself to be better than those who get a cuppa merely because someone decides to be generous and give out hand-out. You are worth more than a cuppa handout! And after all, if this is BR1M, I am sure we don't need it" 

"You are so right!" 

:)

"You know what? Let's get each of us a set of Grand Chicken Burger from McDonalds. On the company! And let's go for a round of shave ice sometime this week. All of us here at this floor ok?"

"Oh yes!"

Human, I am beginning to feel sane handling them.

Fake it till you make it

I was looking forward to the long holiday.

Because I thought I will do some serious doll play.

As in, taking out my dolls, and play with them on a more serious note.

I didn't take any out. Only went to collect 2 preloved Ever After High dolls I bought off from a friend.

I am  tired.  3/4 of the holidays are spent on the bed. I don't know how I did it. But yeah - I am tired.

It doesn't have to take a genius to wake me up from all my negative thoughts - of going to work, of seeing the people I do not wish to deal with and of meeting deadlines and KPIs. 

I guess I sort of know that things won't go to a better side if I keep dwelling on it.

I missed the interview to Air Asia. This is most probably the only opportunity I have ever come across that have really made me sleepless as I really really seriously want to be attached to a multi-national firm. 

As corporate as I may sound, but no, I have always been attached to SMEs. Nevertheless, the amount is shit hurled at me while being in SMEs does bring in a lot of benefits. Because you sort of know how to make use of shits, putting each and every resources to good use. 

On a brighter note, perhaps my time is not up yet. One day... just one day, I am pretty confident that I will make it up somewhere, if not heaven or hell. Let me feel the corporate air!!!!

Less than 10 hours before I start a new week at work. And the piles of documents on the desk seems untouched. Damn! I really needa change my blog content! All I can write is the amount of workload I have - incomplete somemore.

On a random note, this year I will be hitting 36 years old. Freaking scary that nothing can be done to turn back time and my wardrobe is full of girly stuff that I reluctantly want to dispose. 

There is so much I have yet to achieve and so much more to do. I wish I have all the time to get everything ticked off the to-do list.

I guess, for now I can't do much but to fake it till I make it and hope that tomorrow will sail smoothly.

are you happy?