I have never really have much idea on what shall i do when I am out in the working world.
When I was young, I only fill in every darn forms, essays, questionnaires and surveys to say that my ambition is to be a teacher.
Because by putting it down as a teacher as your ambitions gives you a clear indication that if anyone were to ask you why u want to be a teacher, you will have a typical answer :-
" I want to contribute back to the society by providing them education. And a teacher is the soulful hope of all our young generation"
For many years since primary school this is a trademark i put in essays when required. It will definitely score me some good grades :P
Then somehow during the process of growing up, things sort of gone different way. I still havent got myself an objective or purpose in life. The sort of jobs that i took up are merely based on the basic factor of how do i get to the workplace, that I have enough to pay off expenses monthly, and the OK-I-will-hang-on-to-something-first consideration.
Hence I was once a draughtsperson, a Production co-ordinator in a color separation house, a customer service executive and then I proceeded to something that I have been doing till now. I hopped on people and their company tring to persuade in any form of method to prove that those catalogues of products in my hand are really what they REALLY do need for their businesses.
I sort of got a hang of doing what I do. After all, i have million dollars worth of sales annually :P by the numbers secured in contracts. And it has been over 4 years that I have been doing so.
After so many years hogging on people to get stuff from me, be it ueful or not, for the first time in my workaholic life I took a week fo or no particular reason.....
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I must agree the past 2 years have been a struggle of confusion, being at a loss of action and words, losing the passion in what I do. In another word, I DID NOT PERFORM.
And i felt like crying to put down this statement.
There are many reason as to why did I not perform as good as I was previously.
Friends around me keep consoling me saying its not my fault. Its the thing that I am selling that may sound crap and useless especially in bad moments like this where people are reserving their monies for better things.
Some also remarked that I have weird management who have weird directions.
And some blame it on the feng shui.
But i would want to take PARTIAL of the blame. Hence the long week off. To really reflect on what have gone wrong. Or could it be this is not something I wanted to do?
I have yet to be able to figure since this is the first day of leave. But I know deep down that amidst all things to consider... I need to ask myself am I willing to put on the mask of 'fake-ism' for as long as i be in the rat race.
I must admit I have not been able to put on a darn impressive mask cos i believe in the very sincere manner of approach and aware. providing an extreme level of customer service.
But somehow these are not suffice to allow me to stay on at where I stood.
I was told I need to do more than that. To strategise and have a REAL big collection of mask of various expression bearing the same intention : to rake profit from people by doin whatever it takes.
My conscience have somehow emerged.... My mind is not able to digest what comes from the heart and what comes from figures in the sales report... I have lost my track in life.
I am clueless.. I need an avenue to vent out... I have resorted to new ge healing music, but it depresses me more.. I tried reading and digesting as fast on the book, THE DALAI LAMA GUIDE OF HAPPINESS AT WORK' , it aint working at all... I still have Zig Ziglar's ZIGLARS ON SELLING which I have re-read. None helped...
how do i go about now? gosh.. I am depressed........
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