Pacing Out

When I was 8, I remember having to trot behind her. She have to grab my hand so I can walk faster and not waste her time. I am chubby and round and only 8 years old. What would you have expect?

When I was 10, I finally understood the pace. I can walk Loke Yew, Bukit Bintang, Kota Raya and back with her. But I am still round and chubby. There wasn't alot of walking activities that we get to do. Only on days when she is off from work and she wanted to explore the Chinatown for the entire day.

When I was 12 and still fat and round, I managed to do long  jumps and 'fence-jump' (lompat pagar mah!) I would like to attribute that to my constant leg training. We had the same pace.

When I turned 18, I made use of my brisk walking pace. I walked 3 hours a day to and fro from one house to another - giving tuition and earning a decent stash of cash to fund college and to give her RM300 a month for household expenses.

For the past 25 years, almost everyone is amazed at how fast I can move. In heels, in slippers, anything. Yeah, I think I either had that trained or inherited.

Today, I waited for her in the car. As I browsed the pavement looking for her, her pace was no longer as what it used to be. Like a long throng of weight, she strode towards where the car  was parked. Her eyes were tired. Her back was no longer straight. Her stances were not as springy as it used to be. It took her 3 times the time required to reach.

I realised it's been 25 years already from the first time I remember her pulling my arms to walk as fast as she was.

I wish I could have given her more than I could now.
I never dared to think what would be it, if I were to leave and pursue what I wanted to.

I wonder if what has been muttered from their mouth was always from the bottom of their heart.
Do they really mean it when they tell you it's okay for you to pursue what you want, as they can take care of themself.
Do they really mean it when they give you blessing to marry off 3,000km away and won't be able to see them as often as it used to be.

Perhaps they meant what they say. I won't know. Because I do not want to prove it right at the same time.
Because I am her daughter.

I don't exactly know how does the mother-daughter relationship work. I am after all born in a typical Chinese family. There are many types of such typical Chinese family. I belong to the lower end, I would want to say. Those who lives on hard earned cash. With parents working their bones off till the days end. And the chances of some children to stray is high. In my case, there was once who strayed from the norm. The younger brother dropped out of school. Likely to bring shame, unlikely to bring fame.

I would like to assume I am special. I am not supposed to be born in such a scenario. But I can't dictate. Hence here I am. In a typical Chinese family. I still can't work out the mother-daughther relationship in my situation. But I know for sure. That I do have a role. I do have responsibility. Be it that I like it or not. Be it that I agree to it or not. Whatever that it will be, I guess I have made a choice. To be by her side, though without much emotion.. I tried. It's difficult. Because there isn't a manual on how to walk thru this mother-daughter relationship.

All that I know is that when I grow old, I could be in such situation. I do not know if I can tell my daugther (if I do have one) to leave home and marry off. I don't know if I may slip and die. I don't know how it is to be old, frail and living on my own. And I sure don't want her to go thru that. Only to have myself regretting and wishing that I could have done more.