Benign

And so I wore a dress. From Asos, Dorothy Perkins or from Topshop. Or you may spot me in the Aldo that you would never splurge on. And yes, I write about fashion. And coincidentally, I am in the line of work where I have to be stuck behind stage and limbering in the crowds of live mannequins flashing smiles that does not corellate with the trajectory of what the heart felt.

I hate none. I like none. It was a numbing session. I prefer to be in neutrality. I see no glam in putting on shoes, waiting to zip bustiers and transferring pecks. I do not despise, I do not anticipate. It is just part of life I am passing.

I hate noise. I seriously hate the buzzing of words. From you, you and you over here, there and there. The thousand words war. I surrendered. I had to. I am just not good enough. I thought of ending it. I always wonder what it feels like. To close the eyes and let loose of all limbs and drop. From 30 storey high. It must be cold. It could also be empty. Very blank.

Perhaps I have mutter one too much than I need to And so much noise reverberating back to me. I should have keep it al in the heart and abide. Abide and agree. It was always a better option.

For now, something is stopping me from looking down the 30 storey. Not now. Perhaps one day. But not now.  Tomorrow I have to face it all over again. I will stop the benign.. hopefully.

But for now, I need to again sit in the toilet and shed some tears..

Like a Lallang

Facts of life are sometimes pretty tough to digest.

Which could explain why most of the time we are covered with ego labelled as confidence We are confident much that what have been decided in this mind is correct and shall not undergo any scrutinisation of any other second or third party.

They call this the instruction of the heart.

We do sometimes question ourself if it is right or not because what is in front seems a bit peculiar to digest. But our heart says it is the right path. And those darn self help books always say to 'follow your heart'.

If I were to follow my heart, by now I most probably am jobless and having difficulty to get online. I would have to sell off my car and commute out of this freaking flat via smelly public transportation. 

Perhaps I won't be jobless. There should be some RM1200 a month kind of job as a barista in Starbucks if I am ever willing. I don't think I would want to borrow money. Because most probably I won't be able to pay back. 

Instead I did not follow my heart. I have to go against it and brave out in this concrete valley. Where what you say and what you wear does matter. It is not that bad after all. Some soreness of putting on fake smile. Aching of back due to extensive girdle wearing. It is all OK. Torturing it is, but is fine. Because I have bow down to the needs of the society. But I can take it so far. Because they reward me with notes that have values that pays for a living.

If I were to follow my heart, by now I could also most probably be having 3 kids by the name of Siu Ling, Siu Ming and Siu Koon or some sort. Living in some under-developed land somewhere North and having difficulty to raise 3 kids because milk ain't free. I am also most probably more fluent in Hokkien than in English. Afterall, who needs English in some old town that is only famous for some stupid savoury mee.

Instead I opted to go my own path without the hassle of a lesser competitive other-half. Because I knew it. I am Beyonce the concrete woman who wants a lil' glory and achievement in life. And not worry about when will Dumex will increase price of milk powder. I want to go far. Because I need a living. And I need to reclaim some dignity in the society. OK la.. I just want to be famous at least.

If I were to follow my heart, I would have un-friend so many people in Facebook that intrudes my freedom to camwhore and to speak my mind in a more bold manner. But that would mean I would most probably have 10 'friends' left. Instead I politely leave the rest of the 399 'friends' around. Just so some of them can make their own life miserable by having grudges on what I display, what I say. But I still get your attention and your visits to my blogs. Thank you.

Sometimes I wish I can be opinionated and have such random debates with much content ;

Unfortunately I don't know how to. It could only means that ;

- I am a simple person who don't think much than I need to in my life

- I am not deep in thought and unable to analyse a lot of things (not surprised because i only want to be famous most of the time, without thinking how)

- I have no clue at all on the direction I want in life (this is scary)

Perhaps this concludes why I always hope that the world will end. And all of us will die at the same time. Because I seriously do not want to die and go to hell with no friends.

Dying together should be less painful. Because you just die without much time to regret about what have not been doing. After all you are going to meet the rest of those people you have met while you were alive anyway. So that is just like going down to another level but ina group. I am OK with it. 

See how I am so simple in thoughts? 

I never question why am I a Buddhist. Perhaps I don't really care and I prefer to just accept it willingly. And perhaps make use of it. To have something, someone, some statues to ask for help when sales target are not met. Yeah, I am just that simple. Again I do not question if the asking for help works. Perhaps I shouldn't even analyse. Because I am still in the same job. Perhaps my cry for help does work. That's all and I shall not further analyse. Because I won't know how to and where do I start to ponder. 

Let me swing back my topic to what is intended - the heart and mind. (Darn! By now I have again forgotten what have I wanted to say earlier....)

I would like to believe that I am a heartless person. Or my ability to have some hearty judgement have been simmered with the greed of the world and later pasteurised into parts of my mind to form a lackadaisical output of action. In another word, I am simply not bothered / bland / neutral. While not forgetting I need to sustain a living and will have to go along with what the society have percepted us to be.

Wait... I think I may have sounded like a lallang..... with not much direction despite knowing my origin..

Oh gosh.. when will the world end?

I am like a broken garuda - who sways when the wind comes ;(

tomorrow I will use a toothpick to poke this annoying rashes or sort on my arms.. hmmph

Foodcourt

I have almost always failed to be excited going to a food court.

It's such boring place with dirty seats.

So many Chinese uncles and ah-boys who do not eat properly.

Food seems always over-oily.

Those disposable cutleries are simply irritating.

Perhaps that could be a reason why people cannot eat properly.

Whatever it is, I hate food court.

It's not cheap. It's not fun. 

Sellers keep talking in languages that I can't decipher.

Mee, meehoon or kuay teow in a different language 

That made me stood 10 seconds dumbfounded.

I swear I thought she asked me if I wanted pork

And I retorted - 'meehoon'

Shadows are created around you when you attempt to spoon out your food slowly.

The auntie with the entire 7 family members stood still behind you,

Harping on your leisurely attempt to finish up your meal fast fast fast

Oh how I despise foodcourt.

But I will still come again next week..

Do I have a choice?..