Fake it till you make it

I was looking forward to the long holiday.

Because I thought I will do some serious doll play.

As in, taking out my dolls, and play with them on a more serious note.

I didn't take any out. Only went to collect 2 preloved Ever After High dolls I bought off from a friend.

I am  tired.  3/4 of the holidays are spent on the bed. I don't know how I did it. But yeah - I am tired.

It doesn't have to take a genius to wake me up from all my negative thoughts - of going to work, of seeing the people I do not wish to deal with and of meeting deadlines and KPIs. 

I guess I sort of know that things won't go to a better side if I keep dwelling on it.

I missed the interview to Air Asia. This is most probably the only opportunity I have ever come across that have really made me sleepless as I really really seriously want to be attached to a multi-national firm. 

As corporate as I may sound, but no, I have always been attached to SMEs. Nevertheless, the amount is shit hurled at me while being in SMEs does bring in a lot of benefits. Because you sort of know how to make use of shits, putting each and every resources to good use. 

On a brighter note, perhaps my time is not up yet. One day... just one day, I am pretty confident that I will make it up somewhere, if not heaven or hell. Let me feel the corporate air!!!!

Less than 10 hours before I start a new week at work. And the piles of documents on the desk seems untouched. Damn! I really needa change my blog content! All I can write is the amount of workload I have - incomplete somemore.

On a random note, this year I will be hitting 36 years old. Freaking scary that nothing can be done to turn back time and my wardrobe is full of girly stuff that I reluctantly want to dispose. 

There is so much I have yet to achieve and so much more to do. I wish I have all the time to get everything ticked off the to-do list.

I guess, for now I can't do much but to fake it till I make it and hope that tomorrow will sail smoothly.

are you happy?

Shortest of Short

I am back.
From a short trip.
I think I forgot to do like what most metropolitan people do.
They have a getaway.
Away form the ill pressure of work, ponder and come back afresh.

Magnify your life a lil bit in Sugar Honey

It's a Sunday evening now.

I felt that I didn't do enough in life.

So much worry, so much concern.

It didn't felt like the trip did me any good.

Because I am still overpouring with emotion.

That I am fat (though hot), incompetent (cus I can never finish my work) 

No, I didn't want to go back to work in less than 12 hours time.

Not forever, but just for the moment.

I am not done yet.

Too Long

1.24pm  : "You haven't blog in so long"

And that was just exactly what I had in mind when Sha-Lene messaged me just a while ago.

Spent RM600 nearly on drinks with 2 of my friends, in a drinking pub, with lots of people, noisy band and persuasive waiters hoping to get your next order.

Perhaps the band was good but the loud tune bear so much resemblance to things I have been hearing at work - screaming and screeching at one another to get things done.
It was non-stop music - exactly like the non-stop complaints and complaints at work.

The food was good enough, as a reminder that nothing can escape the brutal GST.

I woke up each day, sitting on the edge of the bed and staring straight ahead to that corner where all my dolls stand. To each with their own deep expression, staring blanklessly into the messy room they are forced to reside in, letting the stale air brushing on their polymer hair. As they stare, I stare and it bring us back to nowhere but merely an empty stare. Liddat lor...

I am tired. Of the assassination at work. The continuous rumble of words from each and everyone of them who think they are the best. The dumbfounded expression I have to face when I ask "Have you ever thought thru before you ask me such silly retard question?"

So much I wanted to rant, so much I wanted to forget. Nothing was to be etched on and labelled 'memories'. I have never thought of making a turn back or 'if-fing' my statement wishing that it should be of a different turn. I just need to walk ahead.

Two presentation to go, a couple of a couple of blog posts, a whole catalogues of products, 3 raw staff to face, 1 relatively hard boss to face and another wannabe-boss to deal with....

I.can.do.it.just.hang.on

A plastic being

my job and sometimes life sucks
everyday i have to suck it up and tread on
so i buy dolls to stand in front of me
to put in my bag, my car and everywhere
so that it can distract me from feeling damn low, like now
so that i can have some quiet moment and free from bossy instruction

they are like classy cats
they pose like a queen
they turn their heads like a renaissance model
they just mind their own business
while u watch and stare and play with their classy hair
like a classy queen cat with no grudge
that's what they are

she is my new addition to the family
which i just got via mail
and i refused to stare long at her
because i want to go home, have a shower and sit down
and let her be the queen
so i can admire, be impressed and be in full awe
of her awesomeness

we have no fate to be together
cus i lost her in less than 8 hours of getting her
it's not the money i felt losses for
it's like losing a new friend that i have known slightly and about to know all
because i have seen her for afar for many months
it's about losing this pillar of comfort
at that very time when i feel so low at work that i need a system support to my soul

u don't get it
u just don't get it

At Your Service

It was just yesterday when that man-made lion made a materialistic entrance to the office entrance.
The Chinese staff kept 'molesting' the tiger head, believing that it will bring more auspicious blessing.
The Indian staff have their smart (and non smart) phone all in camera mode, snapping 99 pictures of the same scene within 2 minutes - because it's a damn big cat that one will never be able to see. Except during Chinese New Year.

Seriously, I hate those specimen of cat-lion. It comes with battery operated forehead by the way.
Alot of the Chinese people at work do not understand why I despise it. I do not understand why they bother to think so deep why I am against it.
They just don't understand why I refused to put an orange and an angpau packet filled with money - to be blessed by the cat-lion.
And I just don't understand why they die-die also want the cat-lion (with 2 boys maneuvering it) to crack open a mandarin orange and collect the angpau underneath it. The cat-lion team is paid a hefty sum btw.

We were never on the same channel. I don't think I will ever be on the same radar anyway.
I miss the smell of corporatism. I miss the need to be seen and to see. I have the slightest interest to make a man-made cat-lion to bless me thru  out the year. I wanna be in a power suit doing presentation, holding a pointer or something of that like lah!!

It's the 7th day of Lunar New Year. New or not doesn't bring me much impact. But it was what I did today that make me fall apart.
I spent 85% of my time doing other's work. Because sometimes somehow, like fate is bestow upon us, we meet people who will just give us work. Their work. Some work. Extra work. And then they question you why can't you meet deadline. Then you can't retort back with, 'But it's not even my work. I am not a Customer Service Officer, nor am I a data entry clerk, or a clergyman helping you to do you whatever work that you cannot complete.'

No, we can't. It doesn't work that way.
So we take up the pile and we do.
Then we look at our own pile.
2 more days till deadline.
Nobody cares, I supposed no one remembers that I actually do have my own work scope given that I was paid a salary to perform a certain job skills set.

I want to start the year fresh.
I told myself to suck it in.
Because I can do it.
I will do it.
better than anyone else,
but it seems to be looking like an abuse by then.

I have been working on some seriously shit boring costing sheet for 2 days..
Only for the laptop to go sideway and not able to recognise the file and it went unsaved.
It broke me down. Real hard.
The re-do process was no doubt faster than when I first learnt the formulas needed to do that damn annoying Excel sheet.
But I was running out of my own time, to do my own things
Because when tomorrow comes, I gotta do things again.
For every other people but my own things..

The cat-lion made it's way to every workstation, searching for mandarin oranges with a stash of angpau below it.
It came to my station. Too many documents on the desk and no angpau to be seen. It nodded in displeasure and left.
It went to the room opposite.
On the table was a big fat mandarin orange, With a juicier angpau the size of a Samsung Galaxy Note 4.
The damn cat was prancing and wriggling it's materialistic ass all around, like a middle aged woman who have found a young man to bed. It pranced so long onto the desk, giving it's blessing (via a cat head manned by a boy), that I had time to time it.

I guess the boy in the cat-lion head had to do it.
It's his job.
So is mine.
At least he was smart enough to leave when there's no angpau on my desk.