Year End Report

The entire 365 days is going to wrap up very soon and most bloggers will be giving a wrap up of what they have achieved so far. I, as usual can't recall much of what I have achieved that will be so significant and perhaps provides an impact to myself or those around me. Achieving higher tolerance level towards a nagging mom is not an achievement by the way......

To start off, at the end of September, I suspected I have sinus. A symptom that I won't bother googling, suffice to know people do have such a symptom. Perhaps it's cool to make a statement- "Oh sorry I have sinus, can I escape from doing this such and such chores?" As at now, I am wasting toilet roll trying to slurp out whatever contained inside thhis huge nose of mine.

Then, there was so many camwhore session done this year since I started to guest blog in YourShoppingKaki, which leads me to self staring session after every camwhore session and contemplates on any possibility to perhaps get a nose job and some eye lid repairing? No? Also microdermabrasion..

=(

Nevertheless, the feeling of inadequacy does very little in tarnishing my personal view on myself - THAT I AM HOT la...(sorry, can't help it..) I see no reason for me to belittle ownself, despite a bigger nose (though people say its properous, ok) On the good side of these constant camwhore project, I can't stop realising how good I feel about myself (THAT I AM HOT) and that I should continue my voyage into improving my sense in being fashionable and perhaps nurture myself into a fashion blogger?  (wow, this whole paragraph of self-praise!) That fashion blogger part won't happen, because I realise after all, I am just not as keen into fashion. I discovered it's more of self-adoring over own self, not my sense of dressing =P

My ego is bigger than the Carmex stick ok..

This is also the year that I have not been stepping a foot into any territory of a night market (your local neighbourhood pasar malam). Yeah, I am damn high end, I have no idea how does a pasar malam looked like now. Instead I was hogging a lot of bazaars every weekend =)

sunny Sunday in Urbanscapes!

 Urbanscapes again! 

Chic Pop in Sunway Giza

 Die die also must get something in Pick N Grab

See why I told ya I got bad sense in dressing young?

Sailormooning in Youth 2010

Going to bazaars and getting to know more online acquaintances have over exposed me to the Gen Y lots which I must admit have brought much impact to a 31 years old woman, with an ordinary career and less than ordinary life.

Once brought up to believe that if I leave the fan oscillation at Level 2 instead of the highest oscillating rate, I would be able to save some bucks on the utilitiy bills, I have now turn into a compulsive, reckless shopper-nista that gives more priority to shopping than paying up bills...  (and I leave the fan on at all times now..) 

bad habits that requires serious treatment

Dear adik-adik, lilttle vain-pots and compulsive uni or college, non wage earning citizens,

Shopping is not a sin. But shopping beyond means are a REAL BIG SIN. Because when you grow up, like ME at my age, the probability of you not being able to manage your finances because you just need to buy that Iphone 4 and whatever Intelli-phone simply because Vanessa Rob-My-Life, your uni mate were seen hanging out in uni snapping picture in Hispatmatic mode and you need to follow suit will make you a monster of material!!

Till 2 months back, I was still hanging on to my ICU-ed K550 Sony Ericson...

I did not get to go to much travel destination this year. Not that I make it a point to travel annually and boast about it. In fact, I am not a keen traveller. Not when I know every overseas trips requires savings of a couple of months worth of wages. Only went to Bangkok this year. And One Utama Hotel, a while in JW Marriot Bukit Bintang, a regular in Concorde KL, twice to Concrde KLIA, a step into Saujana Resort and some brief stints in Shangri-La KL =P  Can that be considered travel ar?? ;)

This year  is also the year that I realise I have had enough of men. I no longer find them interesting nor do I look forward to change my Facebook status to be IN A RELATIONSHIP. Well, I never do look forward in fact. It's a very tiring stage of life where you have to always be in make up uf you don't have a flawless complexion. No torn undergarments in case they rummage around and realise you are wearing a torn bra. And the responsibility to bear children in any case a relationship turn into a family building game.

But I am very determined to get a Dato. Serious OK..And I try to apply the Law Of Attraction to realise that humble dream of mine.

Please call me DATIN

I figure that is the only way for me to achieve something in the business world. No? 

I don't want to plant Misai Kucing plants behind the yard and make own cosmetics and hard sell to Kamariah, Maimunah and Letchumi. It's tiring, and I know I won't make it!

For the soon-to-end year, I can only recall me stocking up on food to cook for a maximum of 3 times. Maggi Mee does not count. After 31 years, I still cannot make a decent pasta meal without throwing it away. I failed in making poached eggs either. So is boiled egg. I can't seem to find a proper equation of how many spoon of sugar or seasoning do I need to add in to create at least SOME flavour in whatever that I am cooking up.

I have given up hopes on cooking anyway. Not until I get myself a Dato and have a maid to clean up the mess ;)

I dont know what went wrong!

I also have this extreme habits of not completing task. Like doing my reports half way, doing my expenses claims halfway, sewing half way and many other half way events that you can think of. Years after years, I tried my best to change this habits of mine.. and guess what....

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I am just going to write this post HALF WAY for now!! 

Some traits are meant to be permanent..

That Hungry Tremor

Not writing very often is no good. Increases blood pressure. Because when I am inspired to write, adrenaline pumps in... I have had a few blood rush to write recently..

I was awakened by the fact that I bring shame to girl when I realises I do not comb my hair daily! I do not even have a proper comb, only a flat comb which is a free gift from Revlon many years ago.
For a few days this have been lingering in my mind.. and I wanted to make a list of 10 things why i am ... erm... special ?

Then I wanted to write about some unforgotten inspiration, aspiration, ambitions... but then life after work is sooo short.. I barely have enough time to get the hair dry..

Then I tot maybe I should put in words on my ONE and only football match I've been to.. the recent visit of Man Utd to Malaysia.. which doesn't seem important anymore. now..

Then I thought I wanted to write about gender equality as I read some mind provoking articles in the paper.. but i got too sleepy..

I have such dull, sunken life.. hor??

Then just 2 days back... I felt the tremor too at 6.20pm.. was typing and staring at the pc in office.. and i felt the tremor.. I couldn't believe it!! My stomach growled till it trembles .. and so I thought I need some food and headed to the pantry to get some Raya cookies.. and continued work.. the news at 8.30pm confirmed the hungry tremor i felt actually came from Mother Earth to the Samoan and the Sumatrans..  -___-  not my hunger pangs ...........

I guess that's the way Mother Nature keep the ecosystem balance. When things get too crowded, she give it a juggle and eats up a small population of us by sending some to hell and heaven respectively. have you ever wondered one day our turn will come? How do I cope? How do you cope? I live on the 7th floor. Do u think i will survive?

Hmm.. If I cant survive and have to be drowned under rummages of ruins, please let me have my clothes on.

When Battery Is Low

Its the similar symptoms regardless of who is diagnosed with it.

regardless of environment.

Yup, is the time of the year again when I starts to develop dreams about work, having no urge to sleep till its 2am, and most probably lose some weight too as the wandering mind keep wandering off and forgets the eating hours..

End of July means the end of the financial year for 2008/2009 and the opening of my book of performance in my job..

I shall not hesitate to declare that I sucks at work.

I do not understand why.

I used to be good. At least that's what I thought.

Over the years, I came to realisation that I am not that good after all.

And today, I am proud to say the amount of confidence left in me is barely the cup size of my bra.

I rarely post anything unless I am deeply moved / shaken by a particuar situation.

And today, my head is in deep pain. I woke up at 9.47am thinking its still a sunday. Its a MONDAY!!

Monday is now the management meeting day. Which I should have tried to accustomed myself to it. What if one day i'm in a new environment and every Monday is a management meeting day? And I did try to stay in a very keen mood to look forward to it but......... i am just no good..

And that was supposed to be a post for the end of JUly or so..

The beginning of August came and left.. 2 shows done, one more to go...and I couldn't agree more with Kio that it's really pointless to be with the 'crowd of pretence'. I actually had a post about this written on tissues,while waititng for the models to rehearse... but ... I supposed .. I ... nah... it's an individual perception..

As much as I hate talking about it, i think it has made me realise that I am just not of that crowd. And today I knew something about myself again :) i am not pretentious. I may be emotionless and appear to have little opinion about everything, not because I really have an empty mind, but because I no longer see a point :)

I felt suicidal again.. The twitching pain in the heart, the eyes that no longer am able to contain anymore tears. The brain seems to be massively flooded with a lot of thinking which i cant decipher. The road seems to have ended.

I looked around in the hall of the home. Though decent, there is a lot more room of improvement. No proper kitchen cabinets, hand-me-down utensils, dining table, a gift from relatives, mattress on the floor. And a decent altar to house the prayer's statues.

It's the day to celebrate the Goddess of Kuan Yin today. I thought on such auspicious day, things will be heavenly peaceful. I guess no one really knows of my ordeal. I had a terrible life.

As I always believe, as terrible as my life may be, there are more unfortunate people out there.

But I still think i have a terrible life. A sad one, not to the terrible stage yet. maybe.

many a times I would look for something to blame. I tried to blame God. Gor not giving me a peace in life. For not putting me in a good family. For not making me a succesful person. I blame Ma, for her one sided love to the boy in the family. For her sacrifice for the only boy in the family and most probably making me a vending machine only. But the biggest loser would be me. I blame myself for being who I am, not being able to make any changes to the environment around me.

I am very tired. Very very tired for all my life. It has never been rosy.. I do not know how certain family can cope. Having a gambler mom who keep asking for money. In additon the son is a pimp. The daughter is still school goin and almost got impregnated. The dad, an alcoholic. And yet, the family survives. I think I see a lot in this neighbourhood of mine. none of the above is related to me of course. Ma is not a gambler. Dad died before he had a chance to turn into an alcoholic. Me? I am not impregnated :) Oh.. I have a ... no, let me rephrase, my Ma has a son whom she have sacrificed too much and soooo much for no return of investment. I felt sorry for her that it's a wrong investment for the past 29 years. And she is still trying hard. Not letting go of the hopes she have for the only dick left in the family.

maybe I am not a mother yet and am not able to understand her feeling. But I swer there was a time I was plotting to call the police and make him suffer. Which I think will not work as then, Ma will be in grief and I will have to follow suit to :( it's like a chain reaction..

I tried so hard to escape from the unnecessary dilemma. and after 2 years, it's back again.. On the day when people offer prayers to Goddess of Kuan Yin... I can only make 2 deduction :- I have lost faith in God. and maybe God hates me. What will tomorrow be? tell me..

These Weekends are made to Ponder..

Weekends are scary. Idylic weekends are meant for shopping, having brunch, making out, picnicking, do some hobbies..
I ponders on weekends.. -____-
And this weekend I again ponder.. this time about death, death after and its effect on the people around the one who is dead.
Should one give a thought about it and make some planning? Or shall these matter be left to attend only when it arrives? Have you ever wondered what are you to do when your Ma or pa died? And you don't have much of an extended families. The aunties and uncles that you have last seen are most probably during last year reunion dinner, and none of their contact numbers are stored in the phone. To top it of, you do not even have a significant other whom you can turn to and purrs out .. " Baby.. what do I do? ma seems like she gonna drop dead. me scared!! Baby!! help!"
So what do you do when the situation strikes? I tried to strategically plan out what can I do shall one day I be faced with the issue.
Insurance - None
Savings - not even suffice to purchase a pair of Manolos
Significant others - None
Credit card - minimal credit limit, maximum debt limit.
Extended family contacts - none
Neighbours - I hate them
Wills - did i mentioned earlier that savings' not even suffice for a pair of manolos?
Ex- significant others : self-centred / married / dead in plane crash / infertile / poor / losers
Car - yes I have.
Friends - taboo / left for overseas / self-centred / self centred / lazy
So what do I do?
When I was 10, I only want to play and eat quaill's egg, which resulted me to balloon up, lives on Ma's earning
When I was 20, I only want to look good, score good results in college and impress the guys, lives on own earning's doing odd jobs.
When I am 30, I still want to look good, impress more guys, and probably make some money and drive a Merc when i reaches 33. (well that's me. some can afford a Merc at the tender age of 27 if they so willingly get an older but richer significant-others-for-rent.)
And so, that's how time passes.
In between there isn't much things being done.

I hate pigeons holes. I stays in pigeons holes :S

Did the Kl Marathon, saw kennysia, and lost to a recuperating tumour patient who just recovered. She clocked in at 1.16 hrs. me? 1.34hrs :( bahhh...

I dont know how much time am I left with. I also have no clue how much time does Ma have. Don't get me wrong. I do love Ma despite the all-time grunts I throw at her. After all, I came out from her hole. So I got to make sure she is compensated for making a hole big enough for me to leap out. By at least taking care of her in her old age. I may not did a very good job. but I think its' decently reasonable compared to a lot of weird people out there who rape their old age mom before running off with the last 60 bucks in the Mum's purse to get a fix of amphetamine. I believe there are also others who still expect their Ma to work her arse off just so that they need not work so hard to get some pocket money. Despite being 25 years old and with good physical organs, but a slightly messed up IQ..

And so I was saying, how do one cope if the other person under his / her care dropped dead?
How would I react to it? I tried to visualise. I can't really describe what actions will I be taking. Should I start with a wail first? Then should I start regretting tihngs that I have not accomplished to the dying person? later only do I call the relatives or the mortuary to inform them I have a body to bury?
What is the actual chronology? what do I do? .. I don't know..
But I sure hope it doesn't happen too fast. Please no.. because while thinking of these- the dying, the what to do and not to do, some other issues arises.. What have I actually done to make a difference in me, myself, the people around me and those lesser fortunate people whom God sent down so that more fortunate people can build some karma riding on the lesser fortunate people (why do I always have to complicate things?)
Nil
Elek
Tadak apa apa

Dammit !! Again for the 1000th times I just realised again after again that I have yet to make any changes or differences..to the hungry orphans, the lonely old folks, the mocking Ma at home, and most importantly to myself..

I hope this is the last ponder.. I cant be pondering anymore on the same thing and get myself bored of my boring ponders..
And so I have something up in the sleeve already ( besides ditching the macha).

Have a good weekend. but nothing better than mine, please. :)

woot! I saw something that I ought to do already!

sometimes I felt like a dog. I just wander and ponder aimlessly, only stopping to go to the loo and continue pondering..

Mine - Your Language

Alkisahnya.. pada hari yang bersejarah itu, setelah 6 tahun, matapelajaran Sains dan Matematik* yang sebelumnya di ajar dalam Bahasa Inggeris telah di tukar kembali kepada Bahasa Melayu. Tiada siapa yang tahu logik* di sebalik langkah yang begitu memberangsangkan daripada seorang pakcik dalam umur setengah abad.
Tidak dapat saya utarakan sebarang sebab-sebab munasabah terhadap langkah yang telah di ambil. tetapi ini antara sebab-sebab yang saya rasa mungkin membawa kepada pertukaran bahasa ini (selain kenyatan sah bahawasanya, kebanyakan pelajar yang mempunyai kesukaran bertutur bahasa Melayu adalah peminat-peminat hardcore* jiwa keras Mawi)

1- Kewujudan kugiran-kugiran* band alternatif* seperti OAG (Old Automatic Garbage)* , Bunkface *, Meet Uncle Hussein yang mungkin dibimbangkan akan membaratkan budaya kaum suci dan murni yang sebelum ini segak bergaya dalam songkok untuk si jejaka dan tampak suci murni bagi kaum hawa.

PENYELESAIAN : Mungkin kugiran kugiran ini patut menukar nama kugiran mengikut citarasa yang lebih bercirikan budaya orang-orang kita.. ermm... Apa salahnya OAG menjadi SLO - Sampah Lama Otomatis*. Meet Uncle Hussein.. Pak Sin bukannya paham sangat kalau dipanggil Uncle.. maka, jadikanlah ia Jumpa Pakcik Hussein. BUNKFACE -- hmm.. MUKA-PENYEK? walaupun nama-nama yang setelah di terjemahkan kurang glamournya*/ populariti*/ menyerlah, tetapi sekiranya dapat memartabatkan bahasa ibunda, apa salahnya?
Di masa menulis, pengarang terfikir akan nama yang akan di gunakan sekiranya berpeluang menubuhkan kugiran-nya : PAP-PAP KARIPAP :D

2- Terdapat diskriminasi* bahasa antara pekerja sama darjat. Ini diperhatikan semasa berada di KLCC* dan di sekitar pusat membeli-belah di sepanjang Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman.

Promoter La Senza : Welcome Miss!! Can I help you? We have some new push up collections, would you like to try some on? (tersenyum manja dan memakai t-shirt* sendat serta bersolek ala Angelina Jolie)


Pembantu Jualan Kamdar : .......... (mengikut di belakang sambil mengigit kuku) ... (kadang-kala menjeling ke sana sini)

Pelanggan : Er.. cik, kain ni boleh guna ke buat tudung atau baju?

Pembantu Jualan Kamdar : (masih mengigit kuku).... arhh?? apa?

Pelanggan : , kain ni boleh guna ke buat tudung atau baju?

Pembantu Jualan Kamdar : saya tak pasti lah.. ( teruskan menjeling) *___*

Dengan situasi* begini, maka kemungkinan akan wujud suatu jurang yang akan membezakan dua manusia yang berpendidikan sama tetapi di persekitaran yang berlainan yang membawa kepada pendedahan barat dan timur di kedua-dua senario*

Situasi* yang sedemikian juga dapat di lihat di kawasan umum seperti kedai kopi biasa dan kedai kopi Barat. (Pengarang amat sensitif dan ingin menegaskan tiada unsur perkauman yang cuba di barakan, oleh itu kaum lain juga digunakan dalam senario berbeza)

Starbuck Barista (in an unknown western slang) : Whelcome to Shtarbhucks!! G'day Miss!! Can I harve your orhder?

Kedai Kopi Hainam :-

Ah Lean, si pelayan yang berambut kuning, berskirt pendek (tetapi di paksa memaki apron- yang di hiasi dengan lencana comel Hello Kitty) dengan telefon bimbit di tangan hanya menjeling bila pelanggan masuk, dan dengan tenaga yang seakan tiada, mara untuk mengambil menu* dan di letakkan atas meja dan berdiri diam menunggu pesanan. Ohh.. maaf, Ah Lean tidak menggunakan nama sebenarnya (Lee Moi Lean) untuk di letakkan pada tag* nama nya. Dia menggelar dirinya Febe. Rasanya dia mengolah nama tersebut dari Pheobe. Ketika itu seorang lagi pelayan yang gaya rambutnya seakan Jay Chou berlalu. Namanya Oson. Rasanya dia pun mengolah namanya dari nama yang sepatutnya Orson. Atau adakah mereka memang daif di dalam bahasa barat yang begitu di agungkan semua tetapi kurang pemahaman dalam mengaplikasikan* bahasa tersebut di dalam penggunaan harian mereka disebabkan kurang pendedahan dan pendidikan yang tidak telus dalam subjek tersebut?
(Pengarang telah mengupah seorang pekerja bangsa Cina dari kolej Cina tempatan. Selama sebulan pengarang yang sebenarnya bernama Cynthia mendapat gelaran baru : Chindia, Chitra, Shinda.Seorang lagi yang namanya Michelle mendapat gelaran baru : Miza, Misel, Mitjel)

PENYELESAIAN : Bagi mengelakkan kemaluan situasi yang memalukan, sama ada Bahasa antarabangsa tersebut terus di sematkan supaya mereka yang mempunyai keinginan untuk mendominasi* pasaran antarabangsa dengan kemahiran mereka tidak akan terasa segan kerana mempunyai sindrom* kepayahan mengeja nama glamour* sendiri - Fibi (pheobe). Kalau tidak, apa kata kita teruskan menjulang bahasa ibunda masing supaya Sasikumaran Sivarajan kanesan Kuppusamy tetap menjadi Sasikumaran Sivarajan kanesan Kuppusamy dan bukannya Sean Cane. Maimunah Mahbob biarlah kekal Maimunah dan bukannya Maya. Wong Ca Bai kekal Cibai Ca Bai dan bukannya Bobo Wong. Bukan kah senang gitu?


Sehingga kini pengarang mendapati seakan cerita yang ingin di layarkan disini sudah tersasar jauh dari topiknya. Ingin di teruskan pun sudah terasa kemalasan ngilu yang meresap dalam jiwa dan batin. Maka setakat ini sajalah coretannya.

Seperkara lagi, kepetahan penulis in both english and bahasa kebangsaan is non-related to the efficiency of the education system 10 years back or 10 years after. She is merely good in what she does best :) not superbly good but to teach you the history of batik in both english and bahasa is never a challenge :)
And she couldnt and wouldn't want to waste her

Sekali lagi, I am not a racist.. how can I be one after all? I am a chinese who hopes to impress the macha with her indian classical dance, attends chinese wedding in sarees, and goes to work in baju kurung or batik! wait maybe I am a racist.. i almost shut the chinese part in me.. :S
..hmm.. well walau macam mana pun i am the epitome of muhibah! I just need a turban complete the look..

*Matematik dalam keunggulan Bahasa melayu ialah Ilmu HISAP HISAB

** semua perkataan yang berlabel* * tidak berbunyi seakan bahasa kebangsaan kita. Saya rasa itu bahasa Enggeris yang telah di-kebangsaan-kan. Apa pendapat anda?

When You Die First

Eason says: micheal jackson die
Suet Mun says: he not my brother

Eason says: :D
Eason says: king of pop
Suet Mun says: also not my brother

And so that celebrity was dead.. Only now that he is officially dead, most of those people in Facebook took some initiative to go dig up some MJ video clip and keep jamming up FB news feed with that plastic man's videos, messages and pictures..

I don't get it. When your grandma pass away, why don't you post snippets of her life in youtube showcasing her making butter cookies for new year leh? Or when she makes nasi lemak to go and sell and pay you thru school.

When your Grandpa passes away too, why is there no pictures of him in his self made ciggie? And why is there no shout out of "Ah Kong!! I love you very much!!! I will put joss stick to your altar everyday!!"

And then Michael jackson dies.. half day earlier than another uncle... whom I suspected may have died ..

I saw him lie flat on the road..
Which makes me wonder sometimes.. how is it being determined when do we have our life taken away. Who determines it?

I saw that uncle lie flat at the side of the busy road... like this.. (while the damn radio keep playing MJ's songs)

Sigh... most probably his wife would not have known till after 3 more hours when she is notified by the hospital. And when she knows, most probably, she do not know what is there to do but to wail and wail..And when she wail, most probably there will be too much things in her mind ( who is goin to feed the family, what is she goona do without a husband, how is she goona survive for the next 10 more years, how can she bear looking at the tragically dead husband)

Then again, he may not have a wife. he may be a single uncle who may have worked as a carpenter, carving walk-in closets for you rich fashionista, installing air-conds for you rich brats, mending toilet bowls for you ignorant rich arse. Which means he have just ended his life without the privilege of having children to mourn his death and put flowers on his grave during the Ghost festival. Which also means that most probably his corpse would be lying for a couple of days in the mortuary till .. till.. I dont know, but I am sure those people in the mortuary have a way to handle it..

That torn pants, old combed cotton shirt.. Obviously he must have carved a lot of closets or built-in cabinets.. or mend a lot of toilet bowls.. but I don't think he have tasted or even know what is a spaghetti carbonara,caviar, or even the oh-so-nice tiramisu cake. A staple of mix-rice for lunch, ba ku teh for dinner and the occasional 50 cents butter cake packed in some oddly designed plastic taken during tea time at the local mamak.. is already a blessing, without much complain.

Why was he chosen to leave first? In a tragic way..? Could it be he have sinned in the past? Could it be that he have nothing much in life to look forward to, hence God think its better to end it? HOw does the theory of life and death dictates the what nots of a person's? How do God make one go first?

is this what the Lord do to end the life? finger-push him..

However he dies, anyone dying is sad .. except for the politician..it's even sadder when one who dies, just dies without having a real taste of the finer things in life....

yah, I get an enormous guilt arising when I am able to afford things that people cannot afford..I felt sad when I can go for the expensive Korean food whom the uncle carpenter can only assume how it taste. I felt bad when I can afford those stupid mix of cocktails drinks which most probably cost the equal amount of uncle carpenter's wage for a day.

I hope I can have all uncle carpenter to build me walk-in closets, mend my toilets and I would let them have a savour of the finer things in life..maybe not caviar, but at least a cabonara.. but i aint Donald Trump! Then I thought maybe I should also be humble and not spend the hard earned money on cabonara. After all, uncle carpenter never had any besides his daily staple of mix rice. but then that would mean I would die no knowing how a cabonara tase like!!

oh god!!! I am dumbfounded.. I am sorry you left in such manner. I hope I can be the Prime Minister so that i can make everyone of you wear clean clothes despite your profession, and feed you cabonara just so you know how it taste like, and give you a comfortable living so that you will not die in regret...

Till now I am still not able to understand why u have got to go first...but whoever you are, you deserve a mention just as how that black singer deserves his. After all u made someone's life brighter by making their gorgeous closet.. or planted some gold toilet bowls.. Im sorry, I do not know in exact what do you do..

In your next life I hope you get to drive a Mercedes and not a motorbike anymore.

Even if you still got to drive a motorbike, I hope you are a contented biker-uncle-carpenter who have tasted at least cabonara or kimchi.

Rest In Peace..

*the frequent mention of cabonara does not literally indicate writer have never tasted any before. She had. maybe..

That Long Post Not to be Wasted :)

Probably shouldn't even be posting this crap out.. But there times that I so crave attention that I need some cheap publicity!! :P

Some may think I may be depressed and got myself tangled in some complicated relationship after reading.. anyway, it was half written and have been in the draft storage for a while, with no readers.

but this is my blog and I do not see any reason why am I not allowed any mode of posting as long as I can live with people's bitching after that..

Like I always believe, life is just some running episodes like Friends, Desperate Housewives and Betty.. There are episodes and episodes... like it or not.. it just keep running.. and aren't u glad it's still running? Cus if it stops, most probably you will be 6 feet underground, all soiled and all important organs donated to some renal failure victims..

So yeah, I am a very transparent person... but it doesn't mean I am gonna go all out and tell you in details of my life from having Palmolive shower lotion for bath to having nipple stickers for a nite out in clubbing... but I am all OK in sharing my lame episodes in life that evokes a lil bit of emotion, sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but most of the time angry...

A written statement allows one to really analyse their acts..it's like getting feedback from another party, but the other party is in fact the writer him/ her self!! Get it? No?

Sometimes we have a lot of things in mind... we keep thinkign and thinking and the thinking process never stop. And you keep having lots of stuff stemming out of your thoughts.. You get more confused and nothings seems rational anymore.. So, I chose to write it down.. Just like writing essay for A levels.. :) When one writes an essay, one needs a title.. So when u have a title, u segregated all your confused thoughts and only focuses on issues related to the title. As you write, you are drawing a better pictures of the entire scenario..and TADA!!! some confusion just got clearer and POOF!!!! you may even be able to come out with a solution to it!!!.. Like what happened to me :)

If I did not clear my sms-inbox, I would have been able to set up a whole archive of your sweet notes :)

But there are just too many of them and I am using a cheap phone with limited storage. But i still have the first, the last and many in betweens that I deem important to keep and re-read once a while when I can't sleep. Wait.. most of the time I can sleep.. Just make it a point to read to have a peaceful sleep :D

One of your very first text on our very first nite out :)

No kiss, no sex, no hugs. Just merely great company.

Lakeside Terrace - the least interesting movie we opted for a first nite out. I survived.
Psst... I don't watch movies. I never accept invites to movies. But I enjoy your company watching crap movies :) which doesn't make sense. But i supposed it's the company.

I enjoy Pink Panther tho. Cos u seem to enjoy it so much :)

Pink Panther was the last we watched and got ourself 'caught'. :)

Slumdog Millionaire was supposed to be the next date. Unfortunately things gone the other way.. :(

Text message system - used to be the important mode of communication between me and boss. I am used to have overflow of text messages from boss giving out instruction. Now things are clearer in office and instruction via sms lessened. But I soooooo look forward to 10pm and above on daily basis whenever u are in town. Cos I also know you will leave some almost typical daily question for me to answer ;

YES :)

YES :)

Gosh.. if only I can archive all.. :)

Ya, there isn't much constructive conversation.. but who need constructive statement? We are not in some financial forum :) Nevertheless, it's an enjoyable process to go thru as a daily ritual :)
It has become like some sort of 'checking-on-u-to-see-if-u-r-still-alive' thing that we do. or U do.
Keeps me sane.
Of course there are times when there will be more than a question and a YES. We do talk !

Your cynical humor :)

I love long distance too. sometimes. Temporary long distance since you travel so much more than a mosquito. Temporary long distance that keep people apart makes them feel more attached and much more sensitive to feelings.

From Siam Reap with much emotion :)

I hate it when tresspasser trespass the time and decides to text me at hours when I am awaiting for your text.. The beeping of the mobile gives me blood rush... yes, im very kan cheong :D

stop sms-ing me!!!

From Singapore after a Merlot :P

stop sms-ing me!!!

I don't really need bushes of flowers. Nor do I need the fattening chocolate. I am all fine with your company. It was a great company provided. I am all fine walking under the hot sun despite some minor rants.. I am all fine sitting on the fine sand, doing nothing.

NOW??

What am I up to now?? Seriously missing you :(

As usual, what can I possibly do? Nope. Nothing. I spent all my time doing nothing.

But then.. I got to realise that maybe, maybe (tho i hope NOT) these are all illusions created by me. Maybe. Maybe you never wanted to be in this situation. YOu have your dream to see the world before the world see you 5 feet under.

YES :)

Seriously, I am confused to what was the question. But I would hope that the question was ;

"ARE WE BEING EXCLUSIVE NOW?"

If so, then it's a YES YES YES, please. Thank you very much.

I am still trying to figure out if you have ever asked me any other question like ;

- do u like dogs?

- shall we have pancakes and ice creams?

- can u get naked in front of me?

- can u drive me around to do my chores?

I can't recall at all -__- ...............................................................................

:D

Ahahahha.... See? When u take note of your life.. you can really see how silly you can be..

I saw how silly I was.. :)

But let bygones be bygones....

I actually had a continuation to the post. maybe I'll do it another round when I really have nothing much to do...

:) FYI, things were no longer that rosy as what you can see in the post.. It has gotten so.. sien, mundane, fucked up bland as time goes..

I guess that is human nature... people are sometimes ...... fuckin shitty ... I dunno how to even describe... All I can say is it really does take 2 hand to clap.. but when you get to know that your hands are merely needed just to assist in the clap and nothing else, do not be despair..

Look on the bright side... You have just created another brilliant episode in your life and time to move on to a new episode tomorrow :)

Ahh... tomorrow is another bright day!! hmm.. what should I wear? The plunging neckline or the skydiving super high slit skirt? what about both??

oohh...... I think I saw a macho hunk passing by... * pulls blouse lower*

See ya all later !!!!

* pulls blouse more lower *

Mind Of Guilt

What did u see today while driving to town?
Have you come across anything while getting stuck in jam?
I did. I saw a lot of stuff.
Behind my expensive tinted window which claims to protect from hazardous infra red yada yada. J
That is the first thing I saw in fact. The tinted film which will give me protection from the sun ray.
Out of the mirror I saw the old Indian man on his bike, with his own skin as the only protection from the glaring sun. hmmm… maybe I shouldn’t have spent so much on a piece of film…
While driving, I again saw something.
The good looking Pakistani man in checkered shirt, scooping white rice from a plastic ware. While sitting in between gaps amongst rows of banquet chairs on an open roof lorry. He continues eating while the lorry steer its way on the busy road. Then he kept half of that plain white rice with no gravy back. Hmm.. maybe Jarrods and Rawlins for lunch is a bit too much for a meal.

Sometimes I also wonders what does that old man selling fruits next to Semua House have in his mind while waiting for people to patronize his mobile stall for a few packets of fruits. While staring blankly at nothingness, could he be thinking about the possibility of striking a lottery? Making enough for the day? What to do with the fruits left unsold?
And when there are people patronizing and got some cikus and guavas which he will have to cut.. what will he be thinking any thinking while cutting the fruits? What could he have been thinking?
I know when I managed to sell something I will be thinking of more things that I can sell. I also know when I am not able to sell, all that I can think of is maybe this is not the profession for me.

That 15 minutes wait for the most hi-class dentist in Kepong made me think twice too..
Average, anyone regardless of what u eat, what u spit, what u do with your mouth, or brush 100 times a day, teeth tend to get rotten / damaged / discoloured. Teachers taught us to have our teeth checked at least once or twice a year. Which I never did until recently. RM60 for some radioscopic x-ray of teeth which I cant decipher what went wrong and another RM 60 for teeth cleaning. Scaling is what they call it. And I got a set of newly cleaned teeth for the day.

But.. again it comes across my mind while waiting to pay up.. Dentistry is a service. For people who can afford. Not for everyone. What about people who finds it hard to make ends meet? What do they do with their teeth? Not that they do not care much for their set of teeth, but as time passes, the teeth gets brown or rotten. What do they do? RM60 to scale or RM60 for 15kgs of rice for the family?

Holidays !!! Every single human beans on Facebook who is about to leave to krabi, Bali, Phuket or even that mountain across Peninsular, screams about their holidays getaway….That lady can afford a trip to Melbourne.. That hunk saved enough for a trip to Beijing. That vain b*&%h screams out her plans to splurge during the Singapore sales.. Some high salary earner is dropping by Bali over the weekend to surf… I repeat… DROPPING BY
I wonder too… Where have the fruit seller been to? Does he have any time of the year where money are sufficient and there are moments of leisure spared for him, while not worrying about not making ends meet? Well, I haven’t been to a lot of places. I wanted to go to a lot of places. But I am hesitant. Ma hasn’t been to a lot of places. And most probably I can’t afford to let her go to a lot of places. So I decided its best no one go anywhere. Fair. Meantime I try to work harder. .

I have a lot of guilt issues that I can do this non-stop and let my ramblings affect my productivity at work J
I felt more guilty thinking of it and knowing that there isn’t much that I can do to make any changes.

If I smile at the thrifty Pakistani as a gesture that he too is a human like any of us with better fate in our own homeland, he may possibly think I’m trying to hook up with him for free sexual pleasure. So a warm smile may not work here.

If I were to smile at that uncle on bike who waits for the green light at traffic, most probably he will stare and look away. After all, it’s rare to have people in the metropole to smile freely for no reason.

I can’t also blog about my guilt to travel just because our forefathers lived their life with minimal traveling. Most probably they have only travelled once. From India to Malaya. From China to Malaya.. To vow that I will do the same too means I am merely a frog under the pot :P and a non-believer of progression in life .. no.. no..way..

I do think that life is never a balanced one for everyone.
I wonder if the old man selling fruits have once wishes that he is the owner of Genting or maybe he is merely contented with his current life basking under the sun but still make a meager income to sustain. Well, I do wish I am someone else with a better living and I often hope that the stress that builds up in me is not due to making ends meet in life, but maybe due to indecisiveness in spending the many imaginary amount of money that I could have possess.

Then there are also people who have so much principles in dictating their life claiming to steer themselves towards a better person / environment in all aspects. Self -believer characters convincing you that, what they do is never something you can argue because it’s a guaranteed point that their strategy is the best to steer them and you to the best of lifestyle. I am often convinced that what they preach will work for me. Until after some moments of practising these commercialized lifestyle, I decided to pave myself out of the track. It’s not me.
People call me indecisive.. Maybe I am. I don’t know.
But I would say that I am actually exploring the possibilities to attain a balance living by trying out different style in savoring life.
As I try to understand that, I also realize what one do to their life does not mean that it’s just for him or her only. Their acts produce effects to their surrounding. So the tagline that screams ‘U LIVE FOR YOURSELF’ is not 100% true after all..

So I am again left with some gruesome inner guilt that I can’t possibly derive a solution to… sigh… I really do hope I can make some changes… to myself and the surroundings..

Grow, Growing, Growth

Grew, Grow, Growing, Grown ....
Yeah, it came across my mind today as I was driving over some highway..
Passing thru the particular toll booth, to get over to another segment of another highway, cutting across some boundary of an area, just to go to the neighbouring area, which is near but are made way apart in time due to massive congestion of vehicles...
It made me felt like a massive GPS system plotting the strategic move to steer and make my way to the destination. Made me felt like some kinda organic plant, scheming my way to get some ray of light to get the photosynthesis rolling..
But all in all, it made me felt a great sense of growth...be it emotionally, technically and logically :)

When I was in Standard One, I spelt cucumber as ju-jum-ber. Then I was given a picture of a boy and I don't get it why they said it's wrong to label the boy's hand as a knee. Then some male pervert got into the school toilet and I was shown some orgy picture of a western woman blowing a part of something which I think I may have seen somewhere but couldn't recollect where. I do not know what was the purpose of the Indian man who showed me and another girl the picture of the orgy. It did not create any sensation to us. I got bored and get back to class and told the teacher some anneh showed us some picture of a woman. Teacher got so shocked and she stormed out of the class with a cane. I don't get it.

When I was in Standard Two and Three .... I have no recollection of what have occured during these period ... hmm... I only know life is to be lived by looking forward to evenings of watching Thundercats and eating whatever mom threw on the table.

When I was in Standard Four, I just don't get the wonders of multiplication and why each one have to stand up and memorise the multiplication chart.

When I was in Standard Five, I felt horrified to take the public transport fearing I may get lost or sexually harassed. I also didn't have any recollection of what occured in class. It felt like some passing moments. Life seems aimless. School seems like some playground of no purpose, except to be fostered the joy to celebrate Teachers' Day and Childrens' Day. Eventually, I was thrown out of the best class in school to the second best class. But I still don't get it.

When I was in Standard Six, I still don't get it why the teachers are still forcing us to memorise the multiplication chart.. But this time I can do it. Tho I can't figure how come I managed to do it.
And suddenly I was the top student in that class which the first class people quietly acknowledge as second grade class. I was the top in class for all terms and I got to go up the stage to get some book awards. But I still don't get it. As in every year, life in school is just life where each one look forward to celebrate Teachers' Day and Children's Day.

It never occured to me that there is a purpose to life. I do not even know that the world is round. All I know is that we live in a giant's belly. When it rains, it means that the giant just drank some water. I took me quite a while to figure why there is thunder and why sometimes the weather is hot..I never did figured out. It also took me a lot of effort to think that we are the blood particles in that giant's body.

Today, I felt that I have accomplished soooo much.. Nope.. accomplish is not the word.. Let me rephrase :- I have gone through soo much.. yah.
Today, I am proud that I managed to figure a route out to avoid the jam. I felt that being able to drive myself out of the jam is an action derived from a lil bit of sensory skills (which I seldom used unless required). I felt good to be over the highway while the rest are stuck in the traffic.I felt that it's a wise choice made.
It's nothing to brag about actually. But it's the progress one made thru life that made me tinker.. That we grew from that feotal particle and am now a whooping big giant with brain, who lead a life with purpose and a little bit of sense to survive in this insane world human-dom.
It is also about being grateful to ownself for being who I am and not ending up being some school drop out who have no idea what to do with ownself but to accesorise ownself with blonde streaks, fishnet stockings and fake nails.. and still jobless.. Nope, aint looking down at you people.. just merely grateful I chose a different path.. and merely realising I am all grown up and gone thru a lot in life..
Suddenly there seems to be some ray of hope to an even better path ahead :)
Maybe in another 5 years time I will again be triggered to remisnice and be enlightened by an action of mine.. ahhh.. growing years..
In the meantime, think its better for me to sort out how to refrain my tummy to keep growing bigger from snacks... darn... :(