Some people cry when their family members seen th lights at the other end of the tunnel.
Not necessarily because you can't live without them anymore. Maybe because you have merely grown accustomed to having their shadow of expression around you. The preach, the yelling, the constant nagging that you should not engage in any premarital sex and that you should always treat your grandma with the best manners.
You cry because you have decided to let go of a relationship.
Not because he is the best thing after the greatest man in the universe. But because you have grown accustomed to having someone whom you can have premarital sex without feeling guilty. And perhaps someone to send your car to the workshop when it requires servicing.
I cry because of work ;(
Which is a very stupid thing. Considering that it is not my own organisation that I am weeping for.
I cry not because I am so worried about not achieving sales target. Well, I do cry sometimes in regards to this..
I cry due to many other unfound reason. That when I sit in the office toilet and ponder, I do not know of an exact solid reason I cry.
Today I cried again. Because of office matter. I also finished a pack of cigarette. Don't know why that the sticks of Dunhill Lights feels extremely smooth today. It was a continuous cry. I cried while in the toilet. While on the phone with friends eagerly venting out my dissappointment. While I was talking to my customers too :(
I am very deeply saddened. Not because I do not get a portion of the company. Not because I did not get to go to Paris. Though I would so want to go.
But because I am confined in this doomed shell with a group of descend of the apes who have nothing in their skull but sponge. A dried sponge. Only today I realised how hard it is to teach a group of stray dog to not bark but to try and make them speak the human language. They keep
Woofing and not
Talking. This is most probably the 7394,399570,3848th attempt to bring 8 people to civilization.
It is very ironic. We used to hire people with CGPA of 3.5 and above. Now we have bohsias, pookimaks, tow truck operator doing this skillful art of batik. I do not underestimate the skills derived from these colonies. Despite the constant irregularity in color mixture. Despite their bad tjanting skills. Despite their awful analysis of motif placement. I went thru all these badly done produce by consuming more Dunhills before and after every session of convincing clients we have the best skills in town. Ironic. Very ironic..
I am never a friend to all people working with me. Those who work well, I take as good colleagues. Those who work but do not know the exact definition of work, I take as spirits roaming in the office. I hate fostering any sort of relation with who and whatsoever. But I always believe in imparting knowledge. And I think I am good with it, considering I have been a tutor for so many years.
Until the day when someone says,
"No one ask Cynthia to come down and teach us also. She herself wanted to come and talk so much."
Then I learnt that I have imparted knowledge to the wrong side of the world. OMFG! What am I thinking? Did I not see all this while I am talking to some mules? My wrong. From that day onwards, I imparted myself with the most valuable knowledge -
"watch your own ass and not share the gold from your ass with others"
And so I cried. Not because no one wants to share my gold from the ass. Mir cried too. When she saw me cried. I do not know why she cried. I do not know why I cried too. I cried, she saw and she cried. And so we cried and stopped and decides to go for lunch. We did not talked about anything during the time of lunch. Waited for the currypuff and steamed red bean pau. Tasted horrible. Decided to leave and head back to office.
And I cried again. I tried to rationalise and find a reason why am I crying. Many. Many reason. I am devastated. I am in angst. I am stressed. But of what? I don't know. It left me awake the whole night. Thinking of why I cried. And I am still crying at the time of typing.
I felt like a heartbroken girlfriend who found out she was betrayed by the boyfriend with another bitch. Well, I have encountered such situation too when that boy from Muar left me. But it lasted 2 hours. He is not worth crying anyway. Bahh...
But it's different this time. It's like an automated cry. An instantenous cry. Of no control and reason. Wait. There is a reason. I am devastated. because a group of shallow minded pookimaks have decided to break this
THING that I have helped in building. Maybe I did not build a lot. But I am sure I have built enough in one way or another to be at where we are now. I am saddened with the fact that pookimaks never really do have the same vision as the few of us who stayed back after work and try to dig the rubbish bin to gather recycled paper. One of us even suggested selling the old newspaper (of less than a meter height in collective) as a measure to cut cost and gain a lil bit of extra earning for the company's petty cash. Not a very ambitious idea obviously. But still a noble one.
I am really saddened to have to think that if we do not win this battle of emotion and rights, we will never be able to prove that every single piece of recycled paper we saved is a penny saved for the organisation. That every hours we stayed back without asking for compensation is a task we so willingly do for the organisation. I can never imagine losing to beings that looked like human but are made of blended cow brains and infested vaginas.
Today the victim of situation told me how she was appreciative that I listened to her and I cried before she even finished her tormenting story. As it shows that I felt her sentiment. Which leads me to cry. Which leads Mir to cry too. Dammit. Why did I not think of that?
Yes, I cried because I know how it felt to deal with morons. With people who keep saying the sky is pink because they farted and did not realise they are wearing a pink shades. Despite you telling them to take of their pink shades.
I cried because I am not able to carefully segmentise my emotion with skills of managing people. In the terms of management, I think I have undergone an
emotional collapse. I don't know. I made that term up actually.
I do not know why Mir cried when I cried. But she texted me saying she hates to see me cry. We are not lesbian. It is then that I know we are on the same ship. Of emotional suffering having to be surrounded by morons who refuses to accept that they sky is blue and not pink.
Today.. I think we may have won rationally. It wasn't hard. Considering that blended cow brains can't really produces solid points on why the sky is pink. But it ain't an easy winning. Because tomorrow our car may be hammered at the sides. I would like to think that is the only solid effect blended cow brains are able to produce. They kick hard.
It isn't an entirely a winning that would make us walk with ego. We hope to have won some understanding that they sky is in fact blue. Once you have realised that you are strapped on to your Hello Kitty pink shades, u moron!
But that aside, I have realised now the cry is a symbolic gesture of the unity we have within us. Just that we try not to show. It ain't cool to show that you are emotionally weak by shedding tears. But now I know, it ain't not a symbol of weakness. It's our passion in work that we have fostered during our journey in this humble lil studio...
Tonite, I can sleep. Let's just hope no one bashes my car come tomorrow.
In your next life I hope you get to drive a Mercedes and not a motorbike anymore.
Even if you still got to drive a motorbike, I hope you are a contented biker-uncle-carpenter who have tasted at least cabonara or kimchi.
