Bhols by bhols

Today is most probably the first time after many years that I have actually started to put in notes for my dance class. And started to look into those videos of practise. And I feel like crying because I am so lacking behind.I  just don't know if I will ever make it.

Watching this 11 years old girl doing here bharatanatyam makes me even more stressed :'(

Vaishnavi doing a bharata with Micheal Jackson's song!

I am to be blamed for my own laziness in practising at home. But how do I do it in a 680 sq feet confinement! ;'(

Most probably I will also fail terribly in the coming exam. I hate losing ;(

I don't wish to ask myself if I know this is what I want because this is WHAT I want.

I cannot possibly let go of the only childhood wish I have. Then I would really be a sore loser.. someone who have never have achieved anything fanciful from the list of things to do which they have kept since 15 years old.

I think I need some seclusion and seriously think on how to resolve things that have been going around me - work, freelance work, dance, more work, money, getting thin and more dreams..

the opening prayer

part of chowkas

I am pretty good at these though ;'(

I Need a Minute Off please

I should be aggresively doing review post in YSK than typing lame post here that doesn't even nudge my own interest..
This is most probably the 5th times I bought something from Asos.  Tried it on and kept it back in the plastic pack.. In hope that one day I will shape up and slim down and wear it like a boss!

I guess I will never have the determination to go down to a Size 10 or maintain at a healthy 12 without a beer belly to flaunt :(

shapelessly boring....

belly belly rise like a valley

messshhhhhhhhhhh

I wonder will I ever encounter a day when I have to seek medical treatment because of some chronic disease that could have gotten into me due to unhealthy lifestyle - like those 'growth', heart attack (ate too much fat food), kidney failure ( drink so little water). I sometimes wonder how do I face up with life if I do ever get any of these.. I mean, to catch a cold and have a headache to me is excruciatingly painful. 

I have zero tolerance to pain. I don't know how certain people can go thru it on a monthly basis. 

If one day I do have those sickness, I hope it's not as painful and dreadful as pictured :(

If it is, I would be glad to end it a.s.a.p

The urge to continue my pursue in yoga is swelling out of a sudden. While I was trying to repharse opening prayers for Odissi while warming up, I uttered 'Yogena Citta ..' that is used for yoga and not dance class!  :S

I am again drained out of energy of late. Not because I have a 'queen control' boss again who picks on everything and anything. I have used up my energy in alot of things.. And I still am not able to brush off my carelessness at work! :(

There is so much expectation on me from alot of parties. I can no longer be a 24 hours customer service counter to all. I cannot satisfy every party.. I need some time doing nothing for ownself..

I am so occupied it feels like a clot of lard in my arteriol :(

Don't Just Don't

I hate gatherings. Family gatherings. Relatives gathering to be precise.
I don't know why they bother to when all that they want to do is to again showcase their best - home decor, food and achievement. Wait, that's the whole purpose..

Don't ask me how am I doing. Not that you would do a tiny bit to help me uplift my life in anyway.
Perhaps you may. I shall not be judgemental.
Don't ask me what do I do now for a living. Because I don't even know what your children are doing.
And whatever they are doing, ya, ya I know they did well. And I am not a doctor, accountant or pilot. I am just a business development manager.. or in your definition a sales person with a more hi-tech name.

No one knows what I do, because a Business Development Manager is such a scarce and unspecific title.. A drug addict who needs money decides to ask for parking fees for anyone who parks at a specific road. A retiree who offers to write letters for the neighbours in return of some charges. Perhaps that's what most of you think I do. A small opportunist who will never make it up there. I am fine with your thoughts.

Don't ask me if I treat my mum well. Did you see her head being bandaged up because I may have blatantly bashed her up? Did you see her all bruised up in the eyes? What kinda answer do you expect from me? That the past couple of weeks I sort of abused her but no I stopped because she has yet to come up with irritating acts?

Don't remind me to take my mum to better place to have dinner. So you think coffee house is not good enough? Must I go Carcosa Seri Negara and eat scones to prove that I did not mistreat her? By the way, my boss have to stop going to stall by the street or mix rice stall or food court whenever we have lunch. Because I do not patronise eateries with 90% foreign labours, or places where once you look down on the floor andyou can spot spots of phlegm. No, thank you very much.

So yeah, don't be wise and suggest me to take her to better place, because if I go one level up from my standard operating procedure, I shall be the Mother of Queen.

There really isn't a point to keep nudging me with funny question like when are you going to show your boyfriend? Because when I reverted with 'Which one you referring for year 2011?', you stared in astonishment and go speechless and would have presumed I am either a slut or a picky little fat slut. Whatever it is, at least I don't die a virgin..

.................

On another totally unrelated note... Boss tapau-ed lunch for me yesterday. That pack of 'thing' were full to the brim with rice laced with pork, chicken and duck meat and 3 slices of cucumber.. wlecome to the world of cheena..
He complained he had a sudden blankness of sight when he was looking into some layout plan of some fire security system and had to count the number of smoke detectors on 3 floors. So he rolled it up and pass to me and said he is getting old and cannot count properly.. =_=
Welcome to the world of cheena...

No, I Am Not Okay

Sometimes I wish I can sing well, and works as an entertainer who belts out powerful vocals to loud songs.
And maybe works at clubs over the weekends belting songs from Katy Perry, Florence and the Machines and Rihanna maybe..
It's Saturday and not even midnite and here I am, in shorts and free t shirts, lounging at home with nothing much to do.
Those who knows me often wonders why the frak am I stuck at home with no invites to go out. I don't know. I seriously do not know.
It makes me wonder much too - why am I stuck at home with pretty dresses, awesome makeup skills, long stacks of 5 inches heels - and yet.. nowhere to go -_-
It's sad. Much sad that no  NCIS or Grey's Anatomy or Glee can do to wipe off the sober-dom I am suffering.
Wait.. I am not sober..
Perhaps a little bit clueless - as to why am I stuck at home on a Saturday nite when all the not so hot people go out to Jaya One (without make up and wearing RM25 dresses) and hang out in Brussels Beer Cafe getting amazed at a pint of Hoegarrden that kept them there the entire nite..
And I..
And I...
All I get to do on a fine Saturday with remix songs playing in HitzFM is to try to be home as early possible so as to secure a parking spot in this remote residential area ( remote yet not rich residential area, please..) so that I won't need to park at the side of the main road.
Then I get home, go online and be the hippest coolest woman available online, while everyone is offline and happily eating tapas while waiting for 10pm to strike and hit the club... huaaaaaaa.....
All I get to do is answer to obnoxious, long winded question from strangers who emailed me to ask what size should they buy if they want to buy dresses from an external, not related to me, and I certainly do not work for the dress company, and definitely not profiting- on what fits them best.. dafuq!

Things That Makes You Happy

What would be the thing that you think would make your day?
As I scroll down the news feed in my Facebook  reading shoutout from friends, I do sense that alot of us are attempting to do alot of things to make life complete. Or I would say to fill the void of being in a blank state of mind. Or in the very least, let other people in our friends' list know that we are leading a LIFE.

Some find joy in cooking. Some find joy in snapping 9,456 pictures of their kids in juts a single day, trying not to miss any single second of their child's development. Yes, not a single glance of that darn baby is left out. Some of course find joy in self adoration - like me.

Self stalking..

Today, I wish to be in deep thoughts, rendering complicated words that can mesmerise you.. making you salivate at the reading of my complexity of contents. I cannot find any single interesting issue that could have pricked upon me today ;(

Sometimes I am concerned.

On why I can eat 'yee mee' for every weekends with the same request to have extra egg and coupled with Nescafe.

On why I can have McD breakfast daily ordering the same thing day in and day out.

On why I can sleep with 4 pillows bundled on a single bed like a pile of rubbish.

On why I can linger around in my room that stores a million strands of my hair strewn on the floor.

On why I keep wishing the world will come to an end

On why I feel the need to look good, dress up but chose to stay at home camwhoring, idling, staring blankly at walls and not go see the other side of the world

Could this be like some aging steps to growing old like what Chindi is yapping about?

It's Saturday today. A not working Saturday. Pleasant.

Took me 3 hours to decide if I should run some errands, meet some friends and try flock off some of the dresses at home. 3 hours randomly self staring at my newly colored hair, checking out results from 2 hours of drenching in the LUS V line mask for a slimmer chin (yesterday), sending work related emails in a bid to impress boss (only to forget he is 3 levels lazier than I am and sometimes asked me why do I keep sending / cc him emails).

I finally decided to finish this post here. Now. Without much content. Because my thoughts were never deep enough to have a proper content.

And I want to go downstairs to get a bowl of 'yee mee' with extra egg coupled with iced cold Nescafe now =_=

(if you notice, the title for the post were not even relevant... that was chosen 3 weeks back when I was slightly happy. I am not that happy today...)

kthxbai..

When You Wake Up

Sometimes alot of us try very hard to be the perfect epitome of what we wanted those around us to see.
So we talk like a boss
We smirk like a succesful business person securing a great deal
We give opinion like a prime minister
We make decision like we are the grandmaster from Lord of the Ring

Little did we know
From another corner of the table
They may perceive you on another perspective you never knew
You talk like an aged diva with no essence
Your wry smile reminds others that you are as crude as the nosy neughbour next door who steals the neighbourhood sandals
Your opinion does not matter, because no one will be convinced that your house can be a temple
Your decision making skills is so scarce that the smell of a fart makes a bigger impact

To tell you that you sucks is to tell the mirror that it is dirty
To not to tell you anything is most probably a catalyst to enlarge the ego tumor in you
To laugh at you is like laughing at a sore loser who have yet to know how sore is the wound on the feet

I feel for you my friend..
I feel..
When you have learnt that life is more than what you perceive it is according to your egoistic opinion
Perhaps then you can knock on my door and say Hi :)

totally irrelevant but Hi!! 

Only That?

A Tesco is just a Tesco.
How different can one Tesco be from another Tesco? They literally carry the same freaking groceries!
And even have the same format of parking!
Fine! And I drove another extra 13 niles to another Tesco with the same parking format, same brands of groceries and most probably the equal amount of screaming kids strolling with ignorant parents who prefer to let their kids loose, running and SCREAMING! *like a dog*

I HATE KIDS!! And I HATE PEOPLE / CROWD / PEOPLE WHO STROLL SLOOOWLY

And I cannot believe it! That I have to drive almost 26 miles inclusive of wrong turning just to get to a similar Tesco to get : tissue paper, a bottle of fabric softener, 2 cheap bras and legging for mum and a tiny pack of rice. WHY!!!!!!!!!!! All the way  and that is all!!! (&*&^$##()

Thank you Ma, you did a great job in 9Gag ...

Merry New Year..

Are you looking forward to a new year?

It is in less than a day time drom now. Nah, I don't mean looking forward to fireworks and counting down in a club with 1204 people that you do not know and another 5 person whom you don't really have much in common sitting at the same table.

2011 was just another year. Nothing great to boast. Perhaps, because 10 months of it were spent on work. And that included another 6 years previously which was also spent on doing the same thing in a redundant manner. Over and over and over again...

So glad I escaped!

I grew of course. Besides the horizontal growth which I am trying to curb, I grew alot in character and personal development. After much time spent slaving off my youth in exchange of working experience, I may have lost a lot of personal time, friends and moments, regret was never in the book. I choose to believe I could have learnt something each day in that narcissistic condition of work. Although my friends and colleagues and even clients around me do not agree with my stubborn philosophy and always wonder how I manage to survive. 

I learnt to be humble and eat in hurry during busy days - just like any other sales people

As everyone stashes my job, I keep defending it and telling them I am all good doing what I LOVE to do. Pfffttt .. Perhaps I do love what I do if seen from another angle. I have established great clients who  are now my friends ( I think my English have degraded recently as I have difficulty determining when to use is,are, was, were..). And despite me being in a different industry, the kind gesture of asking me to submit a corporate profile of what I do now to their organisation was such sweet gesture <3 <3 from people who once gives you money to fund your boss and still try to give you money now to fund whatever...

Now, I seldom reveal what I do. Because it is kinda complicated ( as I want to conquer the world) Time have been hard for the past few months as I am running short of moolah! The frequency of eating in a Chinese foodcourt increases and I think visiting BSC is now considered a luxury thing to do :S
Funny eh? Despite the shortage of moolah and yet the refusal to cook and eat at home - I don't know how to cook, hence even more wastage when attempting ler....

Now.. I have more time. A great boss who listens and let me wave my wand anywhere, anyhow, as long as I wave towards all the goodness and do not drain his pocket. I also have a group of very nice boys and foreign labours included.. who do not mind to vacuum the office when they are back from site after 6pm. Who also collect rubbish from all bins to dispose. Who mops the staircase to the office. And in return, I offer to wash the toilet =D sometimes...
I should be thankful and shaddap.. and guess what? Next month I am going to control their salaries =P So sorry for being a bitch! :S

Ulat no more!!

wardrobe too gone happier!

In 2011, I have also got exposed into the amazing realms of the yoga zone, continued Odissi and later to stop yoga session.. It has always been a dream of mine to master my Indian classical dance and be the real Suetha Ram Gopal  since I was in Form Three. I credit the vision to my addiction in watching Tamil and Hindi movies at a very tender age. Did I tell you Amir Khan is to-die-for?

I am not sure how am I going to excel in it to be like the likes of January Low or Tan Mei Mei, especially at my age. I suppose I will know when I am there. And January is already married and here I am still struggling with my footwork doing Mangalacharan! I shall bang head!!

I have always enjoy the fun of writing. I must say Suhana isn't a very healthy platform for me personally as it is filthered with negativity. How I despise celebration - Chinese New Year top the list btw, how I seriously do not like kids, children, babies and 'things' that poo and expect others to clean their shit. Rants on how I hope to have kill people who block my way, rants on the miserable work and people I have to see and endure on a 'working' daily basis. Yes, it is full of negative / hate / misery, or whatever-you-call-it kind of content. 

I have channeled my passion for writing elsewhere. 

This is the year where I actively camwhored till the cows come home and had my product review done in YourShoppingKaki and of recent Keep In Vogue. These are a great platform for me. Over time, I get young girls who bump into me and recognise me form my YSK writing ! (famous awhile!)

pretty or not? ;)

super ridiculous camwhore for a 32 years old, i know!

For the coming year, I am looking into channelling back my writing to Suhana. I think Suhana deserve something better than negative statements ;)

I may not necessarily leave a legacy when I die, but at least I should leave an interesting blog rite? ;)

Wishing for a new car by working hard and earning commission from what I do now may not be a very good idea. Everyone have been saying that 2012 will be a bad time as the economy is not going to make most of us smile. I hope it will just hit the very very rich one and leave me and those not so rich people alone.

New Year, Merry X'mas, Chinese New Year and all other years that we humankind creates doesn't really leave much impact on me. To me, these are merely event in a day that humankind create to cheer themself up. But the best thing is they never failed to repeat the same thing after and after and after all the years.. 

Everyone floods the facebook wall, your sms-es, whatsapp and whatever mode of communication they can get and talk about the joy of the coming new year with lots of exclamation mark!!! yada yada yada.. 

And then they start talking to themself or 2011 or 2012, I think, because I see a lot of these "Goodbye to you 2011, all have been well, I cant wait to hug you 2012!"

Who are you all talking to!?

As much as I try to positive (which I don't think I am negative), I cannot resume myself to such emotion in ushering another new calendar year. Because life goes on after a day of public holiday. Still got to get to work. Still got to live next to a noisy neighbouring family. Still seeing the same politician on TV talking about hudud and other shit. The road is still congested as usual. Bangsar Shopping Centre parking rate is still the same. 

EVERYTHING REMAINS AS THE DAY BEFORE NEW YEAR! 

So why the necessary hassle to cheer yourself up for a day of public holiday only to go back to the same work place the day after? I am not saying you can't cheer yourself up, but why choose that day? Why can't all of you be looking forward to the next day of any day? 

Oh wait.. I think if one does so then the Facebook wall is going to be filled wit scary happy people who talk to the day after Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and all those shit.... -_-

Happy New Year whatever......yada yada....

From The Side View

Tsskk....
It was in English.
I totally forgot that this particular restaurant have menus in English and nothing translated to Chinese.
It doesn't help when I have no idea how to translate Phad Thai or Lad Naa to chinese.
I have no freaking idea.
I smattered some unknown or perhaps hard-to-relate definition of some of the dishes.
We got the Tom Yam Noodle Soup eventually. The squid were asked to be removed.
Again!
I forgot. That hard, solid food were unacceptable.
I never ask why. But now I know why.
I had a look at her as she sat in front of me today.

It's been a while.
A long while despite the fact that I drives her around on daily basis.
I just realised she had 2 of her lower case of tooth taken out.
God knows when. And I just got to know it today. When I lifted my head to look at her.

Time passes so fast. The glow was no longer there. It was all so wrinkly.
I wished that she did use the placenta cream I gave her on her face and not her arms.
It's been so long since I had a proper look of her.

She is old. Tired too perhaps.
And having to look at an English menu withhout asking what was in it and made a random selection based on picture. She did not enquire. And I did not bother to ask too.
That was how things were going. For as long as I can remember.

That was how I have been brought up. To live, march pass it and not ask.
And that was how she too lived hers. To live, marching pass it and not requesting for anything.
There were times of course. She started being wicked. Putting benchmark. No, not benchmark. That is too smart an act for her to do.

The benchmarks were still here. Just that it is in the mind perhaps.
Never muttered out.

I don't know what to do.
Or if I should be doing anything.
I think I should.
I should start to pick up the bits and pieces now..

Mess

This is not a post...

This is merely a self reminder to PLEASE CLEAN UP THE ROOM! 
I have not been doing any sort of cleaning since I left the previous stupid job.
But I have kept away all the baju kurung for now and pushes out all dresses <3

I slept in the pantry today -_-
Because it rains, because the office was cold and because I am lazy...
Of late, I seriously think I went off the path that I wanted to take.

There are bits and pieces lying here and there, that I am to pick up..
but, oh so lazyyy....

I need a slap. Quick!

Save My Tyre

I think I should be working towards the preparation for this week's management meeting.
My first official meeting to introduce my presence and the amount of changes that I will introduce to the  organisation.
As much as I am well versed with what  I wanted to implement and ipose and also at the same time improve, I am not sure if my method of corporatising the human culture would work.
They are after all a bunch of men who wears slippers to site and never tuck in their shirt for most of the time in their life. And most probably the most documentation work that they could have ever been exposed to would have been to do their expenses claims.
It is pretty taxing to attempt preaching to people who are so used to doing things with no guidance. As much as I would like to corporatize the organisation, I have this major fear that I will become that of the ex-boss whom I used to work for. Major Hitler with high PR skills, but 1001 doubts about others.
Each time I talk to the boys, I try to remind myself not to be the person who have haunted me for the past 6 years on proving how powerful she is in what she does. I want to be good in what I preach and keep aside the ego of being the best. Every steps that I take, I make extra analysing to ensure I do not use those negative tactics that have been taught to me indirectly previously.

I am not sure if I should, but today I have taken note on how many times a day does the admin lady make a call to the boss, how many times an hour the boss have made a call back to the office to leave instruction, and how many times the engineers have called back to the office to talk to the admin. And I don't like that.
The self-assigned Project Manager too seems to be very bossy unreasonably and have 1200 dB of voice when giving instruction. Typical construction worker manner -_-
And I don't like it. I don't like the fact that there are shouting and commotion of people who have not thin through what is the purpose of the commotion.

And I want to change all these this coming management meeting. I just hope my tyre doesn't get punctured.

can i be your Director in charge and not get my tyre punctured please :)

V neck dress from The PopLook

Long flowy Cardi from Ladiesfash

A New Suhana Perhaps?

Heh, I am still not over this new point of my life yet and can't stop thinking of what I can do now that I have the room (I mean space here) to do things on my own.
On another thought, perhaps, I am too free and have no one to talk to at home, hence the almost constant lame post you can see here.. OMG!! -_-

But now that I have the liberty to be expressive without having to confront a corporate management team on why I like to blog and deciding on the level of boldness that I can express, perhaps it's time for Suhana to have a better life than lamenting on the misery of life. And blog contents should be have less of "OMG!! my work is like shit and I'm in hell" and have more of "Awww!!! I love what I see and I am gonna share with the world, regardless of you like it or not!"


I am currently working on some t-shirt design for my favourite yoga studio :) Well, I have only been to one yoga studio anyway =P
I am thinking along the line to have a pretty extensive collection : from dri-fit yoga fitted sleeveless top to basic round necked after-yoga-tee to couple yoga tee =P Yeah, greedy... I know!

some asanas that I want to use in shadow form on the t-shirt besides the reverse namaste form :)

I miss yoga ;( 

I am hoping to recoup soon financially and maybe emotionally for me to embrace on a better chapter in life. And I want to make up lots of time losses. It's time that I contribute more to the home I have. To create a better living to ma in this small hut that we reside in. I must admit all this while I have neglected the home.

We leave the house at 9am and comes back after 9pm. Clothes are mostly left to hang on dryer and only to be taken down when we need to wear it. Water are boiled only if we ran out of drinking water. Curtain are only changed only if it is dirty. Yeah, we live like bachelors O.o

It is time now that I should start making life a better environment for Ma if not for me. I must admit I have neglected her much for the past years. I fetch her everyday in a hurry after work. And I sorta get fed-up having to do the routine. Because I am tired. from work. From worrying not to be able to get enough sales. I bring her to the same restaurant almost 3 times a week and was so ignorant that she had weak teeth at her age now. And yet she did not once made a comment that she had difficulty in eating those meat and veggies that requires lots of chewing.

She never ever ask me to drive her to shop. Because she knows I am busy to the brim at work. And in my heart, I always pretend not to hear if she have any request. Because I am running short of time and my only priority is my work.

She spend as little as she can. Perhaps because I have never given her enough. Yet she never complains. And I try not to think about it. Because I am busy at work. 

Now that I have a little time... to reach her workplace earlier and with some space in my mind.. I just noticed all the little things I have ignored previously. Simply because I am too busy at work chasing dreams which were not mine..

We are not as lucky as alot of people out there as we were not born rich. We were not born too poor either. Otherwise I would not be the 70kg woman I am now :)

As much as I used to be bothered by my lack of tertiary education compared to cousins and friends who have so much to boast about uni times and all, it never dampen my spirit to excel. And perhaps this attitude in me have brought out the worst in me - to only look into excelling in work and neglected life and people around me. And I think Ma was seriously neglected. Because nothing really matters most to me than work before this..

I hope it is not too late now for me to make back the losses. To her, to life and to those around me. 

I must say despite being a non-religious person who sometimes have doubts if my prayers are answered, I have met lots of nice people in life that given me much strength, directy or indirectly :) I think those prayers do work!!

Now that I have drown myself in much sorrow, I look forward to what's in front!!

Thank you all!! <3

Job-free Week 1

I went stationery shopping and got myself a ledger book and some pencils and a stack of sketch book.

Mini Project 1 have started and I am pretty happy so far ;)

A small start but definitely the first step. After almost 7 years of doing stuff for other people.

I am now glad to be out on my own doing things that I enjoy doing without the constant monitoring and preaching that I am of no good -_-

It's pretty sick when you are under the mechanical control of something / someone and it constraint your freedom to explore. Now I do understand why there are so many freeloaders out there who rather eat less, spend less and do less for the live that they yearn for. I am not sure if I want to spend less, eat less, but it is a habit I am emulating now since I am one third 'job-free'. I am not gonna call myself job-less, because I do have a job. A job that I have recently embarked on with those little perks that I never used to be able to have : great incentive for every effort translated into sales, car servicing!! (hell yeah!), and flexible working office hour =) =)  =)

The above leave me time for some mini project which I have kickstarted TODAY! =)  =)  =)

Mini project Sketch =P

I had all my raw materials and have started working on it. It is most probably not going to make me a rich fat woman, but I would be pretty happy to be able to have people who loves my work, hopefully.

This is the first week being off from that permanently dead job. And what have I done... let's see
-Slept a lot
-Angry bird-ed alot
-Been going out rekindling moments with supplier friends, friends from school, friends from bazaars
-Completed a corporate profile for a friend, almost!
- Finished up at least 30 sketches for Mini Project
-Attended my Odissi class as usual
-Driven to Nilai by some bazaar friends =D

Jalan-jalan di Nilai3 with Rena and Peep

And I had the bestest surprise today during Odissi class! My guruji have decided to give me a set of the Odissi accessories!!!!! OMG!!!! As much as I do not have much excitement in my expression, but I am excited!! Having a set of the accessories from a teacher is like having Amir Khan patting you on the shoulder and telling you that you are one step closer to an opportunity to act alongside him *doe-eyed*

my first Odissi accessories from guruji

Initially I had wanted to get a set for myself. Somehow some thoughts stopped me. I wanted to conserve some funds since I am semi-job-less and should seriously spend less. As at now I have also temporarily stopped yoga session for the sake of funds conservation. The least of choice that I wanted to opt for, but I guess I have to at this point, till I get things sorted out.

But overall, I guess I had made the best option to move on and explore the world according to me ;)
Hello world! My name is Cynthia and yes! I am now free to blog according to me!

The First

This is the first weekday I am without a permanent job and third day since I left a 'comfort zone' - pfftt..
Perhaps, you won't be amazed as there are so many people who opt to lead life without a permanent income and still survive and be able to afford IT gadgets that I have always stinge myself from :)

I am always amazed and respects those who are bold enough to make such choices in life. I have no guts to do so. As I seriously enjoy nice Spanish meal in Cava, fanciful lunches in 21 Tables and Terrace and the comfort of all things air-conditioned. But I am not rich. Neither am I poor though. Merely a working citizen who have a little expectation in life and do not mind working towards in. But along the way sometimes we get demotivated due to much external factors that we cannot control. And we later tun to useless parasites. Or are forced to be robotic in taking instructions and allegations and implementation. It is a part of life, of course. And how you react after these act of events will determine where you get yourself landed. I somehow landed back on my bed with a newly bought tab and almost got debt-ridden bed-ridden. A story that requires no further elaboration as I have been attending to so many inquiry about it.

I have not made any drastic choice in life by quitting willingly and leave to rot in home. I get paranoid having to think what will happen after that. I should not be paranoid in the first place as I already had so much vision on what  I really wanted to do. But the paranoia feel always manages to never fail to make me feel more paranoid that I started to off the fan and lights and stopped eating to save up some money in case things don't go as expected. But this time, as much as I am equally paranoid, I did not drown myself in alcohol or cigarettes or sleep. it feels.. hmm ... I don't know.. it's feels like a naturla thing to do this time...

I am taking it as a blessing in disguise. And hopefully a GREAT disguise. And it is also through such turbulent journey in life (ok, maybe not THAT turbulent that is life threatening, but a job is very important to me!)
And I seriously hate writing in such a 'disguising' mode because I seriously am deviating from the actual content without me knowing it....

But it is through these waves of life that we be reminded that despite this hectic life that we lead,  having sickening yelling and complaints and all this bad vibes around us, there are good souls amongst it that will surface when you are in despair.  Whether you need them or not is another concern,  but it is great to have this human empathy which is rapidlly diminished in many of us corporate rats.

2 days ago I was offered an empty office willingly at no cost, to operate whatever that I wanted to operate. Today I was again offered by another good souls to also operate in his office at my descretion to do whatever I intended to do. And he has also taken care of the preparing of call cards O.o

It is thru times like this that people who have faith in you, regardless that they may be working acquaintances or common friends, it is a real comfort to see that there are KIND people still existing in this world. Before this, I seriously assume I need to sharpen the blade of protection I kept under my arm, to shield of all ass-kissing, money-blinking, laser-bitching, wicked species who waits eagerly to attack you once they got your wek point.

And I have been receivng whatsapp messages from  people I do not expect to get in touch with, via my deb-ridden new Tab and it feels like as if a re-union random gathering of me and the living world is happening! ;)

As much as I plan to keep a lower profile and quench my thirst for my artistic desire, I woke up early enough to reach a freelance location, and meeting up with acquaintances who shares my passion and sentiment in what I do.

By now, I had to have a list of To Do as there are things that requires to be done before I fully embark on a new journey :)

Today is most probably the first time I am able to smile unknowingly with no muscle strain after 5 years.

Welcome to Life. Again.

Late Lame Post

Officially Day 1 of being without a job. (Twas on Saturday =P ) 

And the day started early ;)

Conveniently it is also Chic Pop today! :)

had a stroll in Chic Pop before heading to the Mofew briefing session on behalf of Peep and Supermodels.

So many aspiring entrepreneurs so enthusiastic in breaking ground via Mofew ;)

Don't really get the entire concept of Mofew and the existence of Amber Chia with the bunch of underweight girls who aspire to be models but with height lesser than me. But I suppose any exposure is good exposure. And Wei Ni is sure glad that she did not get herself a cow =D

I always love these marketing related event where you need to outdo others in terms of strategising. Perhaps, I have been slaving so long that it seems like a very automatic response to actually wanting to be part of the proposal doing act =D

Yesh!! I love getting myself into such dirt job of thinking how to sell and market stuff. Perhaps my 8 years of being in customer servicing, sales and marketing have shaped my mind to easily be triggered to operate when the word 'marketing' pops in. 

So, yeah! Today i was inspired =D

When I was with my friends during the briefing session of MOFEW. Suddenly there are so many stuff storming into my mind on what can be done IF I am the entrepreneur who will be doing a marketing plan to sell some lamp-shade inspired dresses. it sort of gives me hope that this world seriously is round and whatever that you can think of, can be marketed out as long as you know how to market it out. It is like, as long as you are determined to do something to reach out to people, there will be people listening to your idea and perhaps buy the idea. The EVENT itself is an idea. Which is now turned into a platform for technopreneurs to accept the challenge to face the public and show their ability to make create a niche and specialisation for whatever products and services they are offering.

It is a good platform if the contestant knows how to ride on the opportunity and utilise all avenues to maximise on promotion and branding without having to win it first, provided if they know how to go about doing it ;)

But bringing in Exabytes and easy.my is a great start to actually jive in the technology part of the online retailing. Because going online is seriously not all about fashion only! It is also about how a seller is able to use the latest of application to create a convenient platform for buyers with various buying habits. While at the same time having to put in mind that most local buyers have a lack of knowledge in purchasing online and that most of them DO NOT READ INSTRUCTION.

Left Mofew briefing and headed to Chic Pop again. managed to have a bite at the Bees. nothing great  after all! Or perhaps there wasn't much appetite available now that I have turned on the moolah saving mode.

I need to write, I need to do something,... I just need to get something done... and the day was full anyway..

Benign

And so I wore a dress. From Asos, Dorothy Perkins or from Topshop. Or you may spot me in the Aldo that you would never splurge on. And yes, I write about fashion. And coincidentally, I am in the line of work where I have to be stuck behind stage and limbering in the crowds of live mannequins flashing smiles that does not corellate with the trajectory of what the heart felt.

I hate none. I like none. It was a numbing session. I prefer to be in neutrality. I see no glam in putting on shoes, waiting to zip bustiers and transferring pecks. I do not despise, I do not anticipate. It is just part of life I am passing.

I hate noise. I seriously hate the buzzing of words. From you, you and you over here, there and there. The thousand words war. I surrendered. I had to. I am just not good enough. I thought of ending it. I always wonder what it feels like. To close the eyes and let loose of all limbs and drop. From 30 storey high. It must be cold. It could also be empty. Very blank.

Perhaps I have mutter one too much than I need to And so much noise reverberating back to me. I should have keep it al in the heart and abide. Abide and agree. It was always a better option.

For now, something is stopping me from looking down the 30 storey. Not now. Perhaps one day. But not now.  Tomorrow I have to face it all over again. I will stop the benign.. hopefully.

But for now, I need to again sit in the toilet and shed some tears..

Like a Lallang

Facts of life are sometimes pretty tough to digest.

Which could explain why most of the time we are covered with ego labelled as confidence We are confident much that what have been decided in this mind is correct and shall not undergo any scrutinisation of any other second or third party.

They call this the instruction of the heart.

We do sometimes question ourself if it is right or not because what is in front seems a bit peculiar to digest. But our heart says it is the right path. And those darn self help books always say to 'follow your heart'.

If I were to follow my heart, by now I most probably am jobless and having difficulty to get online. I would have to sell off my car and commute out of this freaking flat via smelly public transportation. 

Perhaps I won't be jobless. There should be some RM1200 a month kind of job as a barista in Starbucks if I am ever willing. I don't think I would want to borrow money. Because most probably I won't be able to pay back. 

Instead I did not follow my heart. I have to go against it and brave out in this concrete valley. Where what you say and what you wear does matter. It is not that bad after all. Some soreness of putting on fake smile. Aching of back due to extensive girdle wearing. It is all OK. Torturing it is, but is fine. Because I have bow down to the needs of the society. But I can take it so far. Because they reward me with notes that have values that pays for a living.

If I were to follow my heart, by now I could also most probably be having 3 kids by the name of Siu Ling, Siu Ming and Siu Koon or some sort. Living in some under-developed land somewhere North and having difficulty to raise 3 kids because milk ain't free. I am also most probably more fluent in Hokkien than in English. Afterall, who needs English in some old town that is only famous for some stupid savoury mee.

Instead I opted to go my own path without the hassle of a lesser competitive other-half. Because I knew it. I am Beyonce the concrete woman who wants a lil' glory and achievement in life. And not worry about when will Dumex will increase price of milk powder. I want to go far. Because I need a living. And I need to reclaim some dignity in the society. OK la.. I just want to be famous at least.

If I were to follow my heart, I would have un-friend so many people in Facebook that intrudes my freedom to camwhore and to speak my mind in a more bold manner. But that would mean I would most probably have 10 'friends' left. Instead I politely leave the rest of the 399 'friends' around. Just so some of them can make their own life miserable by having grudges on what I display, what I say. But I still get your attention and your visits to my blogs. Thank you.

Sometimes I wish I can be opinionated and have such random debates with much content ;

Unfortunately I don't know how to. It could only means that ;

- I am a simple person who don't think much than I need to in my life

- I am not deep in thought and unable to analyse a lot of things (not surprised because i only want to be famous most of the time, without thinking how)

- I have no clue at all on the direction I want in life (this is scary)

Perhaps this concludes why I always hope that the world will end. And all of us will die at the same time. Because I seriously do not want to die and go to hell with no friends.

Dying together should be less painful. Because you just die without much time to regret about what have not been doing. After all you are going to meet the rest of those people you have met while you were alive anyway. So that is just like going down to another level but ina group. I am OK with it. 

See how I am so simple in thoughts? 

I never question why am I a Buddhist. Perhaps I don't really care and I prefer to just accept it willingly. And perhaps make use of it. To have something, someone, some statues to ask for help when sales target are not met. Yeah, I am just that simple. Again I do not question if the asking for help works. Perhaps I shouldn't even analyse. Because I am still in the same job. Perhaps my cry for help does work. That's all and I shall not further analyse. Because I won't know how to and where do I start to ponder. 

Let me swing back my topic to what is intended - the heart and mind. (Darn! By now I have again forgotten what have I wanted to say earlier....)

I would like to believe that I am a heartless person. Or my ability to have some hearty judgement have been simmered with the greed of the world and later pasteurised into parts of my mind to form a lackadaisical output of action. In another word, I am simply not bothered / bland / neutral. While not forgetting I need to sustain a living and will have to go along with what the society have percepted us to be.

Wait... I think I may have sounded like a lallang..... with not much direction despite knowing my origin..

Oh gosh.. when will the world end?

I am like a broken garuda - who sways when the wind comes ;(

tomorrow I will use a toothpick to poke this annoying rashes or sort on my arms.. hmmph

Purpose

All this long holidays are not doing me good.
So much eating and no activities. It's already Wednesday now. And tomorrow is Thursday.
The financial year end just ended. And there is a new year ahead.

Sometimes it is rather irritating to comprehend to this cycle that involves life, work, and everything that's literally, practically comes in a circular motion. There's birthday every year. So are new years. Chinese New Year, the Sikh New Year, malay New Year and all the new years that you can get. Then there is a beginning of a new calendar year. A new financial year for an operating company.

It's totally a big, never ending cycle. Every year, you have 1,23 strangers in Facebook to greet you Happy Birthday while you secretly hopes for a boyfriend / girlfriend. In my case, I hope to have more prosperity =P. And you blow some candles, eat some cakes and the next day is just another day. That you may or may not look forward to. But it is just another day. And the boyfriend / girlfriend is nowhere to be seen. In my case, I am still not prospering.

Then you have all the new years for all the race in the whole wide world. And you lit some lights, or sing some carols and burn some joss sticks and make more resolution for the coming phase of life - which is the new year after. And tomorrow is still the same. You go to work. Use your brain and work your ass off.

At each financial year end, there are targets to meet before it ends. And when it does end, there are more targets to meet for the next financial year end. So when exactly do I get a shit breather? And so now, while the financial year end is due to end tomorrow (1st Sept) I am now working on reports and marketing campaigns in order to attempt to achieve the next year target.

I.am.tired. Perhaps I slept too much. Perhaps I ate too much.

I sometimes wonder.
What is the purpose? The purpose of living. The purpose of life.
Of living a routine life. Going home to a stash of laundry that needs to be washed and folded later on.
Going thru the fridge to find something edible. Only to find nothing.

Having seated and start planning for the day after.
While feeling so bloated from eating stuff that the neighbours passes on. And this adds more issues to think about. Should I drink some laxative and kill the bloating? Would I get fat from constantly eating free passed on food. If I do turn fat, how do I face this cruel working world where looks matter before you can start talking about your big master grand plan in corporatising batik. but of course, there are some not very good looking people selling batik. And they usually do not score the deals as much...

The matter of the point here is not about me feeling fat, mind you. It's just a metaphor to

For the past couple of months, all I could think of is making enough to live a better life. but damn... I just realised, nothing is ever enough. And when is enough actually enough? Because it is still not enough as at now.
I worked till wee hours. I freelance in between meals and conversation and toilet time and sometimes travel time. Then I go home and administer this Pasar Night where I deal with jerks who send me gentle reminders that they need money to pay for room rental and need to sell of their impulse clothes purchases. ( seriously, who ask you to buy clothes when you cant afford room rents?). Occasionally I deal with non-business minded 
cowards who want to make it but don't want to risk breaking anything and relenting to let me utilise my expertise in reaching their goals and my goals.

I know I can't conquer the world. You may conquer the whatever Himalaya or Everest shit, but that's not considered as conquering world. At least not even with a purpose if you ask me.

I remembered reading somewhere about a Rinpoche in Nepal or Tibet that tells about the story of the King of Bhutan who does not allow any sources of external exposure like television or any form of media to reach it's people. And the people were happy with their current state of  life. Most probably eating big fat juicy rats caught in some molehills and still happy. Until the day when Nepal or Tibet (I can't recall) decides to open its door for modernisation and the people gets a feel of the outside world, they start to question and compare their state of life with others out there. I supposed they are like me in my current situation too- what the hell am I doing now, and what is the entire purpose of eating juicy rats when people are eating this juicy Grilled Chicken Burgers from McD.

I was about to continue writing this in much sorrow when I was remembered something. About this person whom I have avoided because of the constant preaching I get from her on how perfect her life is and how me, and perhaps everyone else in the community should follow her steps in attaining nirvana-hood to a perfect life. She never have praises about others, but only to herself. And most probably her IT gadgets. She can go on and on about her greatness. I followed the flow of this murky river till one day I decides that enough is enough. Why would I want to continue bathing myself in a murky river when there is a sea of fresh water out there. And so life goes on for me and the rest of us who felt that it is better off to stay out of this negative stash of Thing. I totally forgotten about this person existence until she made some metaphoric comparison that resembles me in this small lil world of Facebook.

I learnt something despite my grudges today - that I have long learnt to let go of things deem unnecessary and look forward to more things ahead. Meanwhile,some people kept standing at the murky bay splashing water hoping that the fishes would come to the shore ;) We made a conclusion. We (some mutual friends) concluded that this person is seriously not happy about her own life hence she have to distract own self with unimportant things like forever holding grudges to unnecessary humans like me or any other person who have avoided her regal nagging.

I should be grateful I managed to escape from the murky water. And have lots of great friends around me who takes me as it is. I should be grateful that I still have a job that outsiders can see how passionate I am when talking about what I do. I should also be grateful that I at least own a roof and a vehicle unlike the anneh who guards the apartment unit in return of some Rukun Tetangga allowance to make ends meet.

I think I may have an objective in this humble little life of mine - to compliment those that I bump into thru out my journey in life..

great friends for life ;)       |        the VRNDA album that I finally managed to get hold of

Happy Ganesha Chaturthi!

Namaste

When Gadgets Beats the Minyak Angin

Sometimes we are so engrossed in wanting to pamper ourself. Wanting to reward ourself. Giving reason that we deserve to get those little luxury in life just because we worked hard non-stop for the  past week. 

For the past 3 weeks, there have been so many justifiable reason on why I need these. 

A Samsung galaxy Tab

which I have no idea what it does. I seriously thought it is a phone. But it seems too big to be one -__-

But I also desperately need a new laptop. Perhaps I don't need one yet. Perhaps it is this juxtaposed impression forcefully created by the idyllic mind that I need some material worthy item to quench the material thirst. My Dell Inspiron is still running good as at now. Despite having many of the keypads out of prints and out of place.

Dell Vostro 

I have been thinking that the common appointment to meet new clients would be a better session if I can go with an Ipad instead of a 60 pages photocopied in color profile, which more often than not,I have to risk  giving it away as people seemed too impressed with the catalgous not to ask for a copy ;)
An Ipad would save me the trouble from having to comb bind a set each time I have to see potential clients.

Ipad 2 

It is at this moment I am looking at all avenues to earn the extra stash of moolah to get these splurge. I don't know. I really do think that I deserve to reward myself with at least one of it. And I made a self promise to make good of it. Like, write more review post, do more quotes to increase sales, camwhore better so people can come to a pretty blog with nice pictures ;)

Well, yeah.. I have a stash of cash in the bank. And I don't think I will die if I spend it on one. Or two item for the fact.

But when I look at Ma, with a Counterpain tube in her hand, reading at instructions, my impulse to self-reward vanishes. 

I forgot. I really have forgotten. 

To always be grateful. And to be contented.

With whatever that I already have. 

I almost lost myself again. And again. And yet again.. to temptations.

Yes, I do deserve a lot of things that I do not posses. And I think Ma deserves a lot of things too.

And so does everyone else. Who deserves a better life. But life is never that smooth sailing for everyone.

While it  doesn't hurt my ass to fork a couple of thousand on gadgets that most probably will not affect my current state of life, it's hurting to know that I actually have a lurking mind to have a toy when  I have neglected Ma's need. OK, maybe I have not neglected (it sounds really bad), but I can't justify anymore reason to splurge on personal needs.

It is sad to see Ma only uses the basic stuff in life. Basic spectacles, dentist only when it's gotten too serious a tooth pain, basic traditional ointment and such.

And it is equally sad when the anneh have to wash cars for RM5 per car from 9.30pm onwards till midnite. Where most probably his stupid son is somewhere in Jinjang area planning fights. 

And it is a pain to see illegal car washer from India who have to share a RM8 wages from a car washed among 4 people. And they seem to wear the same clothing everyday.

And more often than not, I lost appetitie when in queue to buy mix rice, where the lowly paid lorry driver had a big mountain of rice with lots of gravy and and a single dish.

And here I am wishing for this electronic gadget which most probably can feed the lorry driver 3 months worth of nasi briyani, the car washer some decent attire, and proper meal too perhaps. 

I feel bad. Really bad. 

I will not wish further and more than what I have..

For now that is..

Sticking Worms Into the Ass

Opps yes, we did it again!!
Like Britney Spears, we never learn.
We have again made a headline in the world (if others are even keen to see how we ridicule ourselves)
Sometimes I seriously do not know where we stand. Or in fact, how we fare in the eye of the world. I am sure the Singaporeans are LOL-ling at us while watching how we manage ourself here. And I believe the Fedex delivery boy speaks better English than the blue uniformed body we have recruited to protect the nation.

I was wondering why does everyone in my Facebook keep updating status on their hatred towards these blue uniformed men. Till I saw this. And it reminded myself of how much I hated them too.
It could be because of the fact that just so they earn lesser than me, they have to ask me to sponsor their 'coffee-drinking' habit. And also because they are casually born to be rude. Or they could have been taught to be rude or potentially think their rudeness is the best way to show their force.

I supposed, if they manage to find better jobs, they would not have resort to being a blue uniformed body ;)
Seriously! If you look at their face, most of them looked like aborigines of some Kampung Salak or Kuala Kotor or some place where there is too much sun and it tan your skin till it look like overburnt without the glow.

And I am not sure if you can visualise their respond to the question : What is your reason in joining the blue force? Can you imagine a dirty looking, rudely behaving, and sometime smelly, with stomach that looked like it has been filled with 3 years of Nescafe Tarik consumption telling you 'Because I want to safeguard my country and protect every citizen in the country and make tomorrow a better day for all'  Peeh!!!

But of course, underneath the blue uniform body, they are just normal human like us. Hence they are not spared from doing things that normal people like us may commit to. Like rape lorr.. they have needs too ;) And like us human who hungers for more comfort in life, they too tend to take away other people possession wihtout permission. I think it's called robbing :)

And I don't want to continue this post anymore, because it no longer seem interesting...

At this time of posting, the draft for this post is already 3 weeks old I assume... Anyway, let's not waste my content mah...