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Yesterday I was someone. But I always thought that I am Suetha the Indian Classical Dancer. Then today I am Suhana. Day before I was Suet Mun. Welcome to my alter ego page..

Yours truly,
Suhana Suetha
Showing posts with label About me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About me. Show all posts

Friday, August 9, 2013

I am Me

Been a while since I logged onto blog and saw heaps of drafts that never got bumped up.
Here's one personality test thing which I assume was pushed to me to try out by my editor - Pung Sha-Lene =D

And yes, I am not a very friendly person, but you can put your trust on me! =D







This report compares cynth from the country Malaysia to other women between 21 and 40 years of age. (The name used in this report is either a nickname chosen by the person taking the test, or, if a valid nickname was not chosen, a random nickname generated by the program.)

This report estimates the individual's level on each of the five broad personality domains of the Five-Factor Model. The description of each one of the five broad domains is followed by a more detailed description of personality according to the six subdomains that comprise each domain.

A note on terminology. Personality traits describe, relative to other people, the frequency or intensity of a person's feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. Possession of a trait is therefore a matter of degree. We might describe two individuals as extraverts, but still see one as more extraverted than the other. This report uses expressions such as "extravert" or "high in extraversion" to describe someone who is likely to be seen by others as relatively extraverted. The computer program that generates this report classifies you as low, average, or high in a trait according to whether your score is approximately in the lowest 30%, middle 40%, or highest 30% of scores obtained by people of your sex and roughly your age. Your numerical scores are reported and graphed as percentile estimates. For example, a score of "60" means that your level on that trait is estimated to be higher than 60% of persons of your sex and age.

Please keep in mind that "low," "average," and "high" scores on a personality test are neither absolutely good nor bad. A particular level on any trait will probably be neutral or irrelevant for a great many activites, be helpful for accomplishing some things, and detrimental for accomplishing other things. As with any personality inventory, scores and descriptions can only approximate an individual's actual personality. High and low score descriptions are usually accurate, but average scores close to the low or high boundaries might misclassify you as only average. On each set of six subdomain scales it is somewhat uncommon but certainly possible to score high in some of the subdomains and low in the others. In such cases more attention should be paid to the subdomain scores than to the broad domain score. Questions about the accuracy of your results are best resolved by showing your report to people who know you well.

John A. Johnson wrote descriptions of the five domains and thirty subdomains. These descriptions are based on an extensive reading of the scientific literature on personality measurement.


Extraversion
Extraversion is marked by pronounced engagement with the external world. Extraverts enjoy being with people, are full of energy, and often experience positive emotions. They tend to be enthusiastic, action-oriented, individuals who are likely to say "Yes!" or "Let's go!" to opportunities for excitement. In groups they like to talk, assert themselves, and draw attention to themselves.

Introverts lack the exuberance, energy, and activity levels of extraverts. They tend to be quiet, low-key, deliberate, and disengaged from the social world. Their lack of social involvement should not be interpreted as shyness or depression; the introvert simply needs less stimulation than an extravert and prefers to be alone. The independence and reserve of the introvert is sometimes mistaken as unfriendliness or arrogance. In reality, an introvert who scores high on the agreeableness dimension will not seek others out but will be quite pleasant when approached.


Domain/Facet............ Score
EXTRAVERSION...............33
..Friendliness.............21
..Gregariousness...........25
..Assertiveness............66
..Activity Level...........82
..Excitement-Seeking.......31
..Cheerfulness.............12

Your score on Extraversion is average, indicating you are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. (Yes, I like time alone.... leave me alone!!)


Extraversion Facets
Friendliness. Friendly people genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. They make friends quickly and it is easy for them to form close, intimate relationships. Low scorers on Friendliness are not necessarily cold and hostile, but they do not reach out to others and are perceived as distant and reserved. Your level of friendliness is low.
Gregariousness. Gregarious people find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding. They enjoy the excitement of crowds. Low scorers tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. They do not necessarily dislike being with people sometimes, but their need for privacy and time to themselves is much greater than for individuals who score high on this scale. Your level of gregariousness is low.
Assertiveness. High scorers Assertiveness like to speak out, take charge, and direct the activities of others. They tend to be leaders in groups. Low scorers tend not to talk much and let others control the activities of groups. Your level of assertiveness is average.
Activity Level. Active individuals lead fast-paced, busy lives. They move about quickly, energetically, and vigorously, and they are involved in many activities. People who score low on this scale follow a slower and more leisurely, relaxed pace. Your activity level is high.
Excitement-Seeking. High scorers on this scale are easily bored without high levels of stimulation. They love bright lights and hustle and bustle. They are likely to take risks and seek thrills. Low scorers are overwhelmed by noise and commotion and are adverse to thrill-seeking. Your level of excitement-seeking is low.
Cheerfulness. This scale measures positive mood and feelings, not negative emotions (which are a part of the Neuroticism domain). Persons who score high on this scale typically experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy. Low scorers are not as prone to such energetic, high spirits. Your level of positive emotions is low.


Agreeableness
Agreeableness reflects individual differences in concern with cooperation and social harmony. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others. They are therefore considerate, friendly, generous, helpful, and willing to compromise their interests with others'. Agreeable people also have an optimistic view of human nature. They believe people are basically honest, decent, and trustworthy.

Disagreeable individuals place self-interest above getting along with others. They are generally unconcerned with others' well-being, and therefore are unlikely to extend themselves for other people. Sometimes their skepticism about others' motives causes them to be suspicious, unfriendly, and uncooperative.

Agreeableness is obviously advantageous for attaining and maintaining popularity. Agreeable people are better liked than disagreeable people. On the other hand, agreeableness is not useful in situations that require tough or absolute objective decisions. Disagreeable people can make excellent scientists, critics, or soldiers.

Domain/Facet............ Score
AGREEABLENESS..............1
..Trust....................48
..Morality.................1
..Altruism.................5..Cooperation..............1
..Modesty..................21
..Sympathy.................43

Your score on Agreeableness is low, indicating less concern with others' needs Than with your own. People see you as tough, critical, and uncompromising. ( I am crude like that...)

Agreeableness Facets
Trust. A person with high trust assumes that most people are fair, honest, and have good intentions. Persons low in trust see others as selfish, devious, and potentially dangerous. Your level of trust is average.
Morality. High scorers on this scale see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank, and sincere. Low scorers believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. People find it relatively easy to relate to the straightforward high-scorers on this scale. They generally find it more difficult to relate to the unstraightforward low-scorers on this scale. It should be made clear that low scorers are not unprincipled or immoral; they are simply more guarded and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth. Your level of morality is low.
Altruism. Altruistic people find helping other people genuinely rewarding. Consequently, they are generally willing to assist those who are in need. Altruistic people find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice. Low scorers on this scale do not particularly like helping those in need. Requests for help feel like an imposition rather than an opportunity for self-fulfillment. Your level of altruism is low.
Cooperation. Individuals who score high on this scale dislike confrontations. They are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny their own needs in order to get along with others. Those who score low on this scale are more likely to intimidate others to get their way. Your level of compliance is low.
Modesty. High scorers on this scale do not like to claim that they are better than other people. In some cases this attitude may derive from low self-confidence or self-esteem. Nonetheless, some people with high self-esteem find immodesty unseemly. Those who are willing to describe themselves as superior tend to be seen as disagreeably arrogant by other people. Your level of modesty is low.
Sympathy. People who score high on this scale are tenderhearted and compassionate. They feel the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity. Low scorers are not affected strongly by human suffering. They pride themselves on making objective judgments based on reason. They are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. Your level of tender-mindedness is average.


Conscientiousness
Conscientiousness concerns the way in which we control, regulate, and direct our impulses. Impulses are not inherently bad; occasionally time constraints require a snap decision, and acting on our first impulse can be an effective response. Also, in times of play rather than work, acting spontaneously and impulsively can be fun. Impulsive individuals can be seen by others as colorful, fun-to-be-with, and zany.

Nonetheless, acting on impulse can lead to trouble in a number of ways. Some impulses are antisocial. Uncontrolled antisocial acts not only harm other members of society, but also can result in retribution toward the perpetrator of such impulsive acts. Another problem with impulsive acts is that they often produce immediate rewards but undesirable, long-term consequences. Examples include excessive socializing that leads to being fired from one's job, hurling an insult that causes the breakup of an important relationship, or using pleasure-inducing drugs that eventually destroy one's health.

Impulsive behavior, even when not seriously destructive, diminishes a person's effectiveness in significant ways. Acting impulsively disallows contemplating alternative courses of action, some of which would have been wiser than the impulsive choice. Impulsivity also sidetracks people during projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Accomplishments of an impulsive person are therefore small, scattered, and inconsistent.

A hallmark of intelligence, what potentially separates human beings from earlier life forms, is the ability to think about future consequences before acting on an impulse. Intelligent activity involves contemplation of long-range goals, organizing and planning routes to these goals, and persisting toward one's goals in the face of short-lived impulses to the contrary. The idea that intelligence involves impulse control is nicely captured by the term prudence, an alternative label for the Conscientiousness domain. Prudent means both wise and cautious. Persons who score high on the Conscientiousness scale are, in fact, perceived by others as intelligent.

The benefits of high conscientiousness are obvious. Conscientious individuals avoid trouble and achieve high levels of success through purposeful planning and persistence. They are also positively regarded by others as intelligent and reliable. On the negative side, they can be compulsive perfectionists and workaholics. Furthermore, extremely conscientious individuals might be regarded as stuffy and boring. Unconscientious people may be criticized for their unreliability, lack of ambition, and failure to stay within the lines, but they will experience many short-lived pleasures and they will never be called stuffy.

Domain/Facet............ Score
CONSCIENTIOUSNESS..........15
..Self-Efficacy............9
..Orderliness..............6
..Dutifulness..............2
..Achievement-Striving.....26
..Self-Discipline..........33
..Cautiousness.............75

Your score on Conscientiousness is low, indicating you like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized. (Urgh!!! And I intend to change this!)

Conscientiousness Facets
Self-Efficacy. Self-Efficacy describes confidence in one's ability to accomplish things. High scorers believe they have the intelligence (common sense), drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. Low scorers do not feel effective, and may have a sense that they are not in control of their lives. Your level of self-efficacy is low.
Orderliness. Persons with high scores on orderliness are well-organized. They like to live according to routines and schedules. They keep lists and make plans. Low scorers tend to be disorganized and scattered. Your level of orderliness is low.
Dutifulness. This scale reflects the strength of a person's sense of duty and obligation. Those who score high on this scale have a strong sense of moral obligation. Low scorers find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining. They are likely to be seen as unreliable or even irresponsible. Your level of dutifulness is low.
Achievement-Striving. Individuals who score high on this scale strive hard to achieve excellence. Their drive to be recognized as successful keeps them on track toward their lofty goals. They often have a strong sense of direction in life, but extremely high scores may be too single-minded and obsessed with their work. Low scorers are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. Your level of achievement striving is low.
Self-Discipline. Self-discipline-what many people call will-power-refers to the ability to persist at difficult or unpleasant tasks until they are completed. People who possess high self-discipline are able to overcome reluctance to begin tasks and stay on track despite distractions. Those with low self-discipline procrastinate and show poor follow-through, often failing to complete tasks-even tasks they want very much to complete. Your level of self-discipline is average.
Cautiousness. Cautiousness describes the disposition to think through possibilities before acting. High scorers on the Cautiousness scale take their time when making decisions. Low scorers often say or do first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives. Your level of cautiousness is high.


Neuroticism
Freud originally used the term neurosis to describe a condition marked by mental distress, emotional suffering, and an inability to cope effectively with the normal demands of life. He suggested that everyone shows some signs of neurosis, but that we differ in our degree of suffering and our specific symptoms of distress. Today neuroticism refers to the tendency to experience negative feelings. Those who score high on Neuroticism may experience primarily one specific negative feeling such as anxiety, anger, or depression, but are likely to experience several of these emotions. People high in neuroticism are emotionally reactive. They respond emotionally to events that would not affect most people, and their reactions tend to be more intense than normal. They are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening, and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. Their negative emotional reactions tend to persist for unusually long periods of time, which means they are often in a bad mood. These problems in emotional regulation can diminish a neurotic's ability to think clearly, make decisions, and cope effectively with stress.

At the other end of the scale, individuals who score low in neuroticism are less easily upset and are less emotionally reactive. They tend to be calm, emotionally stable, and free from persistent negative feelings. Freedom from negative feelings does not mean that low scorers experience a lot of positive feelings; frequency of positive emotions is a component of the Extraversion domain.


Domain/Facet............ Score

NEUROTICISM................73
..Anxiety..................76
..Anger....................83
..Depression...............34
..Self-Consciousness.......38
..Immoderation.............80
..Vulnerability............80

Your score on Neuroticism is high, indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.


Neuroticism Facets
Anxiety. The "fight-or-flight" system of the brain of anxious individuals is too easily and too often engaged. Therefore, people who are high in anxiety often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. They may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. They feel tense, jittery, and nervous. Persons low in Anxiety are generally calm and fearless. Your level of anxiety is high.
Anger. Persons who score high in Anger feel enraged when things do not go their way. They are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter when they feel they are being cheated. This scale measures the tendency to feel angry; whether or not the person expresses annoyance and hostility depends on the individual's level on Agreeableness. Low scorers do not get angry often or easily. Your level of anger is high.
Depression. This scale measures the tendency to feel sad, dejected, and discouraged. High scorers lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. Low scorers tend to be free from these depressive feelings. Your level of depression is average.
Self-Consciousness. Self-conscious individuals are sensitive about what others think of them. Their concern about rejection and ridicule cause them to feel shy and uncomfortable abound others. They are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Their fears that others will criticize or make fun of them are exaggerated and unrealistic, but their awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. Low scorers, in contrast, do not suffer from the mistaken impression that everyone is watching and judging them. They do not feel nervous in social situations. Your level or self-consciousness is average.
Immoderation. Immoderate individuals feel strong cravings and urges that they have difficulty resisting. They tend to be oriented toward short-term pleasures and rewards rather than long- term consequences. Low scorers do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find themselves tempted to overindulge. Your level of immoderation is high.
Vulnerability. High scorers on Vulnerability experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. Low scorers feel more poised, confident, and clear-thinking when stressed. Your level of vulnerability is high.


Openness to Experience

Openness to Experience describes a dimension of cognitive style that distinguishes imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people. Open people are intellectually curious, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty. They tend to be, compared to closed people, more aware of their feelings. They tend to think and act in individualistic and nonconforming ways. Intellectuals typically score high on Openness to Experience; consequently, this factor has also been called Culture or Intellect. Nonetheless, Intellect is probably best regarded as one aspect of openness to experience. Scores on Openness to Experience are only modestly related to years of education and scores on standard intelligent tests.

Another characteristic of the open cognitive style is a facility for thinking in symbols and abstractions far removed from concrete experience. Depending on the individual's specific intellectual abilities, this symbolic cognition may take the form of mathematical, logical, or geometric thinking, artistic and metaphorical use of language, music composition or performance, or one of the many visual or performing arts. People with low scores on openness to experience tend to have narrow, common interests. They prefer the plain, straightforward, and obvious over the complex, ambiguous, and subtle. They may regard the arts and sciences with suspicion, regarding these endeavors as abstruse or of no practical use. Closed people prefer familiarity over novelty; they are conservative and resistant to change.


Openness is often presented as healthier or more mature by psychologists, who are often themselves open to experience. However, open and closed styles of thinking are useful in different environments. The intellectual style of the open person may serve a professor well, but research has shown that closed thinking is related to superior job performance in police work, sales, and a number of service occupations.


Domain/Facet............ Score
OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE.....34
..Imagination..............2
..Artistic Interests.......50
..Emotionality.............20
..Adventurousness..........80
..Intellect................37
..Liberalism...............59

Your score on Openness to Experience is average, indicating you enjoy tradition but are willing to try new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. ( I am never gonna get famous, ain't I? )

Openness Facets
· Imagination. To imaginative individuals, the real world is often too plain and ordinary. High scorers on this scale use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world. Low scorers are on this scale are more oriented to facts than fantasy. Your level of imagination is low.


· Artistic Interests. High scorers on this scale love beauty, both in art and in nature. They become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. They are not necessarily artistically trained nor talented, although many will be. The defining features of this scale are interest in, and appreciation ofnatural and artificial beauty. Low scorers lack aesthetic sensitivity and interest in the arts. Your level of artistic interests is average.


· Emotionality. Persons high on Emotionality have good access to and awareness of their own feelings. Low scorers are less aware of their feelings and tend not to express their emotions openly. Your level of emotionality is low.


· Adventurousness. High scorers on adventurousness are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. They find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. Low scorers tend to feel uncomfortable with change and prefer familiar routines. Your level of adventurousness is high.


· Intellect. Intellect and artistic interests are the two most important, central aspects of openness to experience. High scorers on Intellect love to play with ideas. They are open-minded to new and unusual ideas, and like to debate intellectual issues. They enjoy riddles, puzzles, and brain teasers. Low scorers on Intellect prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. They regard intellectual exercises as a waste of time. Intellect should not be equated with intelligence. Intellect is an intellectual style, not an intellectual ability, although high scorers on Intellect score slightly higher than low-Intellect individuals on standardized intelligence tests. Your level of intellect is average.


· Liberalism. Psychological liberalism refers to a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. In its most extreme form, psychological liberalism can even represent outright hostility toward rules, sympathy for law-breakers, and love of ambiguity, chaos, and disorder. Psychological conservatives prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. Psychological liberalism and conservatism are not identical to political affiliation, but certainly incline individuals toward certain political parties. Your level of liberalism is average.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I AM THAT GIRL

I've been ooozing with the need to type, type, type of late. It's like I need to do a lot of things to get myself busy. not to say I am not busy, because work was like hell busy, but I felt like I need to do more to feed the soul after the weeping scenario ;)

And I have V-tjen to thank for making me her guinea pig for her Uni assignment in creating an Audience Dossier thing (which I have no idea what is it till now). But I got this from her ;)

Ahhh, if only this is real and is part of the feature in The Star =P
Nevertheless, love it much despite just being an assignment! <3

Miss Pung is back on the blogging mode and thinks that I should follow suit to talk about - I Am That Girl.
Yes, that particular girl whom you know very well and have grown accustomed to since the day you know how to nibble on your own fingers while drooling.


I am that girl who have ego 12 times the size of the bra cup, simply because I sometimes think I am better than you.
I am also the girl who always lost in the battle of perfection at work, in relationship, in life, because I think too much
I am that girl who vow not to pay my credit card debts in full.. because I am still hoping that the world will end soon.
I am that girl whom you think you have known and can grow find of. Till the day when I no longer want to be with you. Simply because my benchmark grew..
I am that girl who can talk if initiated, makes faces if need to, but not sing, even if provoked.
I am that girl who have so much hate in mind, because I could have chosen a wrong path..
But I am also that girl who will walk on the same path despite a wrong one, as long as I can withstand
Because I know the path doesnt' just belong to me..
I am that girl who learn to let go, let pass and let off
If I felt that you feel is best to let go, let off, let past..
I am that girl with short attention span, long constant nag..
I can't help it, I am fickle, undecisive hence insecure
I am that girl who may bring you joy, tho most time it will be misery, if you make me felt like shit...
I am that girl, who loves her friends first, then job.. and the rest follow
I am that girl, who needs only self declaration that I AM HOT. What you think doesn't matter. Because you are just envious. That you are not that girl =P
I am that girl who need more than attention. Yes, I need to be fed. With emotion, love and food..
I am that girl who have no shame to tell you my boobs are flat, my feet smells and there is a dead lizard under the sheet. I couldn't care less of what you think. Unless you are the Prince of Zibai-land who will marry me off, throw me daisies on the floor and feed me a daily serving of mojito..
It is also obvious that I am that girl who have no qualms to tell you that you in Crocs make you look like a defnite shit-arse, that I am too good for you and that you are of no good for anything
I am that girl who cannot stand the sight of not being able to be in control
But I am also that girl who cant control the emotion when I see elderly  having to serve the balance of their life staring at the sky, waiting for the public transport, to go to the city, to try and still earn a living.. I felt like shit :(
I am also that girl who is blessed to have great friends, great boss though sometimes...lazy staff, control-freak freinds comes into the scene.
But whatever it is.. I am that girl - who never fail to hope for a better tomorrow despite failure after failure. 
Simply because I am just a girl who wants to have fun. I think O.o

I am that girl who can sleep on it, only to wake up in sorrow and life still goes on

Yes, I hope so too ;)
And soon, I will sing. When I know how to make some acoustic sounds..



Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Want to Eat Mandarin orange?






my ass got printed in leopard prints =D

My first one - from Cotton On

Now I know why the college girls are making a hoo-haa of these. Just like when I was 18, and the rest of us were crazy about items from Esprit, Padini or even Giordano. And Green Day and those alternative bands.  =D  When I was told before this that Cotton On is some affordable Australian brand, I told myself I must go and get something! Anything will do, so I can proclaim I know the hottest brand around town. But. But. It's just another Giordano wannabe. With more of the latest college girls' fad like 2 toned dresses, floral dresses, bodycon panel skirts and ala priced below RM50. 
And while I was browing, there are girls who is already wearing Cotton On skirts, and are in the queue to buy more!  Which is not something I dare to do. Don't fancy having a photocopy of something and go back to the same location only to be identified that I have the same stuff on the shelf and I am buying more cus it's RM49 for one but buy another one and its half the price (damn! Now everyone knows I am a cheapo)

Weaved top - F.O.S
Leopard skirt - Cotton On

I figured I've been using my blog site as a medium to complain and rant about my miserable life. Not very good if I want to be considered as potential to write ads and be turned into someone to watch out for in 2010 or something like that. I reckon it's time again for a 'renovation' and leave the misery to those who threw it to me.
Takkan kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga. Tadah je setitik tu dan susu boleh di minum dah :D



Thursday, July 16, 2009

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Its All ABout Me

Who Me?
I am a reflection of the muhibah spesies in my country. Cynthia is what u can see on my business card to fit the glam world. Any sales people to have allow potential clients to call them a Miss Lee or Mr Wong is just wayyyy toooo English. I just realised that the newly hired designer pronounced my name as Chitra. Cant blame her, for the Chinese education she received in Bentong. After all, the famous local singer Khatijah Ibrahim turned to Puan Kacip Fatimah via her interpretation :S . Is not really her fault. It's the education system which fails to understand how to nurture the young ones to be more proficient in whatever that they are fed as per syllabus in school.

When I put on my dance saree, its wise to adress me as Suetha. Just to blend in with the Indian community and prevent awkwardness. It did came across my mind what will happen if i do ever get to perform on stage one day. As per any dance, at the end of the shows all dancers will be called out to let people know who are they. I am still thinking. Would Suetha Ram Gopal be suffice to make me famous?

Suhana was derived after numerous exhaustion to tell the bumiputeras: " Oh tidak!! Nama saya bukan Chindia!! Nama saya Cynthia la, kak.. " I was so tempted to have another set of business cards with Suhana Razali printed on. It definitely serve a better assurance to the bumiputeras knowing that I am of their league. After all I am selling batik :D
Anyway, if one day I were to get married to any Dato, Datuk, Tan Sri or YB, yes, I would want my name to be Suhana :)

And of course being chinese, I have my 3 words Chinese name, but let's not go there..

Yerr.. Nothing fancy About Your Blog..
Well, can't afford a boob job as yet. Hence there isn't much I can flaunt. To photoshop will take me ages. I can't afford to fill my teeth 3 at a time, let a lone go for repetition of botox every 6 months, hence I can't flaunt that also. I also do not have a very rich / super rich / fraking rich / freaking glamour boyfriend whom I can post and brag.. or at least post pictures of places I went with a boyfriend for huchimamas for your envy.. If I do have a super ugly boyfriend, I can also consider posting that up and making a biography of that. But I have no boyfriend or the significant half that i can flaunt :(
I blog because it's hard for me to archive hard copy of my rants and complain. Though I do still keep some letters from friends since Form 6. But my mom constantly ransack my stuff and dispose off without informing me. I blog because I wanted to make sure my writing skills is constantly brushed up. One day, I may write a book :) Even if the day do not come, I am thinking maybe it will still be useful one day if I were to start up my tuition centre. At least I can teach writing essays with no complications.
I blog because I don't talk a lot :) which is unbelievable. I am a sales person. And not talking is not helping. Well, I do talk, but I just don't talk a lot to people I am not so comfortable with. Like Ma.. I remembered once she asked me to read a content of an official letter from developer asking money to release the Strata Title. I do not know how to translate back to chinese words, I told her "it's the Geran Tanah..just pay what they want la.. " she LOL and then yelled at me for being stupid and do not even know how to say that out despite receiving more education than she did. I threw the letter back on the table and left. To blog about her. (*__*)

My Perspective On Life
It never did occur in my mind that there needs to be a different angle in viewing life. Maybe the constant appointment to see the numerologist made me a freak. And not being able or wanting to look forward and layout some routes for myself. of course there are some basic charting of where and who I want to be when I am 40. But as to how.. hmmm.. when I started to ponder.. my heart beats faster. And i quickly surrender and consoled myself to a deep sleep. The next morning I forgets and only to be remembered of the pondering in another month late..Procrastination made a blank-out me.
Which I tend to change. From now on.
I fear God, so I wont go and steal. but doesn't mean I wont curse you with the *&^$ word till death do us part.
I fear death, cus it seems painful. but it doesnt mean that I will stop smoking simply because all cigarette packs got colurful pictures of the lungs ( i do not condone smoking ya :) . I just make sure i have the supply.. for entertainment purpose and sometimes to keep me awake from boredom)
I fear poverty.. because I was and am still a poor person. Financially and emotionally. As much as people try to convince themself that money is not everything, I know one day if anything happens to Ma or me or any close frens and relative, u got no money, then u better die fast and don;t make other people suffer. Which will then leads to the poverty of emotion.. At times when emotion is weak to face the obstacles, it's really scary and painful having the hallucination in minds about everything and anything. But I know as poor as I may be, there are people who are more pitiful than me.. so sorry to hear that.. :(
I fear going to hell - but then I am still not convinced how comfortable is Heaven. If it's all just flowers and rainbows, what am I gonna be doing in heaven for such long time? But I know for sure I am gonna see a lot of familiar faces in Hell, cus a lot of people curse the *&$$ words to others, lots of people have sex before marriage, lots of people go for prostitution, lots of people take drugs and also lots of people who do not pray so often. Some even brag about no having religion.. which I am sure they too will take the journey to hell. No? So I know I will have some friends there :)
Ah... and also the botox groups.. see u all in Hell :)
To sum it up : I cant really forsee how much crow 's line will I develop on my forehead. I know each day is an episode which I am taping for myself. Sometimes there is a peak in episode. most of the time its just another episode running. There is a lot of regrets which i have yet to learn to let go. hence those who knows me- no u know why am i so grumpy... I have a lot of regrets mah..

What Have I Achieved
Nothing much to be honest. I've got a small little flat which i refused to furnish as I hate the location. But Ma insisted. I decided not to furnish it in hope that I can actually look forward to a bigger flat.. well maybe not bigger.. It just have got to be out of Jinjang!!! I also got a national car and yet to be able to afford a BMW. Constantly I do remind myself " U stupid bitch!! Tomoroow must work hard and get some commision!!! Else u never gonna get a BMW for sure!" Tomorro comes and I got jittery of the self inflicted pressure and turn cold during my cold calls.. Sigh...
So, I do not have much materials assets.. neither do I have bodily assets :(
Which I think needs no explanation.. Anyhow, I still constantly reminds myself that I am far better than a lot of people out there who cant afford a vehicle of their own. I get teary eyes when I see grannies in their 60s carrying baskets and bagful of stuff waiting for those smelly buses. I get saddened too with the visuals of uncles driving old motorbikes to work in torn t shirts and badly tanned complexion. it reminds me that I am not so unlucky after all. Maybe in next life, I can be a prime minister and help uplift the life of these people.

U Emotional Laden Moron!!
Yup.. my loud and egoist appearance did quite a good job to conceal the weak hearts that I have for a lot of things around me. I felt like crying when I see old people who still have to work to earn a living. I felt angry at those bastards who thinks so highly of themself and I cant seem to dispose it off my minds tho they didnt really did much to ignite my angst. They merely have some jokes about how gorgeous their 4000 bucks a set of tires are. I felt worrisome to find out Ma is another year older.. what am I to do if anything happen? I do not even have any contact numbers of the closest relatives. I have some cousins on FB, and that's it. I also feel dizzy when I see cats and dogs being crushed on the road. I am nervous and dizzy at the thought that I will be going for some trekking on slippery hills ( I am scared of death after all). I am never at ease unless I managed to locate where is the missing mechanical pencil. I felt like waging war if I do not get what I wanted after numerous repetition of instruction. I felt dizzy when I misplaced the business cards of some clients which i intend to follow up..
To which I think eventually my death is self-provoked... sudden loss of heart beats..

Me and Friends
I like friends more than family :D
I dont think it's worrisome. Some just have a different comfort level with different parties. Somehow I have a higher comfort level being among friends. But it's rare to find good friends now in the woring world. Times are bad. Everyone just need to make sure their feet don't get caught with fire in the office. Then there isn't really a lot of places that I can make more friends. Did you notice the envious stares of girls when they see other hotter girls passes by? It's like as if they have found themselves a rival and would like to end the other party's life soonest. how to make friends like that? :(
Then when one try to make friends with guys.. people say u are a bitch. No girls and guys can be friends with no intention to : i- rake money from the guy, ii- sleep with the girls. When one party do not want anything other than friendship the opposite party will claim she / he have been cheated of their emotion.. haih......
The world have turned so complex..

Me and MY Favourites

MOney comes top of the list. but I never do have enough. Nevertheless it's still my favourite. Each day I try to be positive and tell myself in the mirror I need to make more sales and get some commision hopefully :)

Sexy is a noun to me :) heheheh.. Sometimes I think God knows how much I can and cant take. Hence he never give me what I always wanted. A sillhoutte worth to be called a bodily sillhoutte.. He just gave me something excessive out of the norm just so I wont stray. He knows, if I do have Jessica Alba's waistline, I will never be the down-to-earth-forcefully like who I am now :D

He knows IF i do have that, I will never let it go wasted by not making money out of it :D He knows if I do that, I wont be at where I am now. Living in Jinjang and helping these locals to uplift their living lifestyle by having a 'better' person like me in their neighbourhood :D Not to forget spend all my evening travelling for 45 minutes to another town just so I can fetch Ma- and not be able to go out dating :( cus I have to spend another 45 minutes to get back.. haih....

I have started the Odissi dance not too long ago and it's almost a year. I remembered I have dreams about doing Indian classical dance since I reached puberty but never do have the guts to do it. And so I started and 29 - when constant supply of glucosamine is required to battle the weak knees..Again.. one day I hope to grace the stage in a graceful sway with enterprising choreography and money-making expression.

I kinda like to run also.. maybe it's just the kiasuism seeping into minds. Or maybe I just cant afford the monthly fees of going to Celebrity or non-celebrity Fitness Centre. Hence running is the best option cus there is no fees incurred each session. Unless in a marathon.. which I try to attempt at re-living my prime time.. but I just realised being able to finish 7km in 40 minutes when I was 18 is different than hoping to complete 11km within 1hour 30 minutes when I am 29. It felt like I am being dragged to Hell.. but I think I am gonna persevere and go on for a while until I can afford to run in style in a monthly paid exercising facility centre.



Friday, April 24, 2009

Grow, Growing, Growth

Grew, Grow, Growing, Grown ....
Yeah, it came across my mind today as I was driving over some highway..
Passing thru the particular toll booth, to get over to another segment of another highway, cutting across some boundary of an area, just to go to the neighbouring area, which is near but are made way apart in time due to massive congestion of vehicles...
It made me felt like a massive GPS system plotting the strategic move to steer and make my way to the destination. Made me felt like some kinda organic plant, scheming my way to get some ray of light to get the photosynthesis rolling..
But all in all, it made me felt a great sense of growth...be it emotionally, technically and logically :)

When I was in Standard One, I spelt cucumber as ju-jum-ber. Then I was given a picture of a boy and I don't get it why they said it's wrong to label the boy's hand as a knee. Then some male pervert got into the school toilet and I was shown some orgy picture of a western woman blowing a part of something which I think I may have seen somewhere but couldn't recollect where. I do not know what was the purpose of the Indian man who showed me and another girl the picture of the orgy. It did not create any sensation to us. I got bored and get back to class and told the teacher some anneh showed us some picture of a woman. Teacher got so shocked and she stormed out of the class with a cane. I don't get it.

When I was in Standard Two and Three .... I have no recollection of what have occured during these period ... hmm... I only know life is to be lived by looking forward to evenings of watching Thundercats and eating whatever mom threw on the table.

When I was in Standard Four, I just don't get the wonders of multiplication and why each one have to stand up and memorise the multiplication chart.

When I was in Standard Five, I felt horrified to take the public transport fearing I may get lost or sexually harassed. I also didn't have any recollection of what occured in class. It felt like some passing moments. Life seems aimless. School seems like some playground of no purpose, except to be fostered the joy to celebrate Teachers' Day and Childrens' Day. Eventually, I was thrown out of the best class in school to the second best class. But I still don't get it.

When I was in Standard Six, I still don't get it why the teachers are still forcing us to memorise the multiplication chart.. But this time I can do it. Tho I can't figure how come I managed to do it.
And suddenly I was the top student in that class which the first class people quietly acknowledge as second grade class. I was the top in class for all terms and I got to go up the stage to get some book awards. But I still don't get it. As in every year, life in school is just life where each one look forward to celebrate Teachers' Day and Children's Day.

It never occured to me that there is a purpose to life. I do not even know that the world is round. All I know is that we live in a giant's belly. When it rains, it means that the giant just drank some water. I took me quite a while to figure why there is thunder and why sometimes the weather is hot..I never did figured out. It also took me a lot of effort to think that we are the blood particles in that giant's body.

Today, I felt that I have accomplished soooo much.. Nope.. accomplish is not the word.. Let me rephrase :- I have gone through soo much.. yah.
Today, I am proud that I managed to figure a route out to avoid the jam. I felt that being able to drive myself out of the jam is an action derived from a lil bit of sensory skills (which I seldom used unless required). I felt good to be over the highway while the rest are stuck in the traffic.I felt that it's a wise choice made.
It's nothing to brag about actually. But it's the progress one made thru life that made me tinker.. That we grew from that feotal particle and am now a whooping big giant with brain, who lead a life with purpose and a little bit of sense to survive in this insane world human-dom.
It is also about being grateful to ownself for being who I am and not ending up being some school drop out who have no idea what to do with ownself but to accesorise ownself with blonde streaks, fishnet stockings and fake nails.. and still jobless.. Nope, aint looking down at you people.. just merely grateful I chose a different path.. and merely realising I am all grown up and gone thru a lot in life..
Suddenly there seems to be some ray of hope to an even better path ahead :)
Maybe in another 5 years time I will again be triggered to remisnice and be enlightened by an action of mine.. ahhh.. growing years..
In the meantime, think its better for me to sort out how to refrain my tummy to keep growing bigger from snacks... darn... :(

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