You're In Love - Wilson Phillips

This is an emo week.. Week after period :)
I do not usually watch MTV on Youtube but it is such a refreshing act to be immersed in music that lifts your mood. Music that speaks so much about how you are feeling now. Music that most probably doesn't mean anything much but merely soothes your soul and makes you feel that there is hope after all the misery.

I think I saw the light today. Or I may have force myself to shed some lights. I don't know. But I want to put a stop to something. To make some changes and nuances which I deem necessary. I hope it wasn't wrong. I hope there is a better turning. It's really confusing that I do not know what is best to be used to describe this.

Perhaps, it is the act of letting go freely without a wilting heart :)
And so.. I am letting go of some stuff and accepting more to come with an open heart..

And I am seriously considering pole classes soon.. urrghhhh

hand beaded necklace bought from crafter in Craft Bazaar

Do you have a Le Ann Maxima (LAM) dress? It's every girls' essential item I tell you..

to pole? to Odissi? to golf? How??

tube dress from LAM worn wiht fringed vest from Beautiful Disaster

conveniently had some fashion accesories from the workplace stashed in my car.

who is not tempted to try out this piece of hand drawn boots? =P

Happy Monday!

Word Play

People can say a lot.
A lot can be said from one to another.
A lot of these words does not authenticate the meaning if the entire conversations sometimes.
Perhaps whatever said do mean something..
In a way that only the person who mutter it out will know what is being defined by what he said.
When a lot is being said, a lot can be taken for real for those who listen too
While what is said is being taken for real to those who listen
Listener too may be taken for a ride in believing what is being said...
A good ride, a really nasty ride
No one can judge,
One can assume, one can accuse
But no know if what is said is meant to be a fact in disguise or for real
Be it disguise
Be it real
Who knows?
Only time will tell
Only time will heal if it's unpleasant to you ear
Only time will prove if there is a rosy bed on the other side of the rainbow..
You WORD game..

That Wesak Post

I did nothing the nite before and nothing too on the day of Wesak.
In fact, it never occured to me Wesak is for people who are Buddhist. I thnk I got it jumbled up with the event where people go climb Batu Caves. That's Thaipusam. Either one, I know set birds for free. And that is how far my knowledge is. As a Buddhist.

Wait..

I am not even sure if I am a Buddhist. I could be a Taoist. Or does a Buddhist practises Taoist method of living? If so, is Taoism a religion? Or a practise? Seriously, I have no idea. But for sure it's rare to see people filling in forms declaring they are Taoist. Everyone is a Buddhist. Or they seem to be.
I have no idea why does the crowd of people of all ages actually walk behind the procession during Wesak. people say it's to pay respect and to celebrate the day? the Buddha? I am again not sure. but I know these people are munching on titbits, talking to each other and stealing glances to check out hot aunties, babes and hunks around once in a while.

If it's a Flora fest, people who follow behind the procession trucks are normally mascots. But during a religious procession, we have people of all ages and behavioural acts. I did not feel a slight of excitement or dissapointment either when I have to slow my car down to make way for them. I have a sense of nothingness. Seeing people walking behind the truck with a Buddha statue brightly lit with neon lights. For a second or two, it did zap across my mind that I am not a very good practitioner of religion. Yeah, in fact, I don't practise.

Wait. Maybe I do.

Every morning before I leave to work I will lit a joss stick or two to the Goddess of Mercy and the ancestor altar. Not forgiving to ask a favour to ensure I have sales for the day.

Sometimes I feel bad. It seems as though my purpose of even litting a joss-stick would be to ask for miraculous sales figure to drop from the sky and shower me with extravagant hopes of being free financially.
Once in a while when I see crowds of people litting joss-sticks and getitng hyped out in religious events, I do ask myself; Have I sinned? If I do, in what way? I did scratched a few cars, have bad thoughts and yelled at people, and sometimes mom too (she's irritating)


Have I been a good practitioner of what I regards as a religion in me? After all, I have a thought of installing a stripper pole in front of the altar table..because that is the only location that can fit the 8 feet pole.


THIS girl literally, practically, physically, mentally dreamt of gurus in her religion. And mom sometimes do manage to dream of 4 digits that she can buy lottery on and hope to strike the jackpot. It's been a while since I ever had any dreams.Yeah, I don't even have leeway for dreams. The most memorable dream I ever had would be the time when I was hit by a giant mouse (not the rodent) while doing my sales report.
And so... yeah, I do feel empty. Sometimes. Not because of the lack of sexual desire. Mostly due to work and empty being a person..


I don't know what it takes to make a fuller life. And is it even necessary? If making one to pray to attain the liberation to go to Heaven, then I may not want to do so. Because I haven't seen what's in there for me in Heaven. 


Oh, it never occured to me to be a keen participant of being deeply religious just so I can go to heaven while I pen this down. The more I write the more I felt that having a religion isn't so much of having a tool to ensure nirvana. It's more of a segregation of people to a cluster of their own. So that they have a topic to debate and start hating each other. 


Ok, not fair for me to generalise in such manner. After all, I hate human kind. Hence my definition to life is sometimes much more different from a normal being.


I do know, in my sane mind that people follows a certain religion because they feel at peace with the teachings, and are liberated in a way  that only they themself can tell. 


But I don't know about myself. I hate protocols. I am not very consistent in saying out prayers (if I need to), litting joss stick (if I have to), chanting out mantras (if I even know). 


Maybe one day, when I lost everything, then I will have all the time to ponder and turn to god again.


That is if God doesn't hate me like what mom keep saying...

Of Babies, Weddings and Monies

Mom pleaded to share the angpau money for a wedding that we are to attend this Saturday =__=
If only she tell me that by paying RM200, I can be exempted from attending I would have gladly pay up RM235 to not be present. The extra RM35 for her to take cab to attend on her own.


Knowing it's a family affair, and knowing that I have a bad records among relatives that I am rebellious and a useless daughter (despite having a younger brother doing drugs), my absence would only increase my reputation as being the black sheep of the family. Most probably as a mom abuser.


And it is with all this that I have nothing in mind but to plan on what to do when I attend a wedding dinner.


I have a few choices. To bring books to read. I am thinking of Bill Rancic, Zig Ziglar or the Top 100 Businesses That Work. I am also thinking that maybe I can bring my design work to do. In no way am I trying to appeal to the market that I have a glamourous job scope. But what can be better to kill time if not sepnding halfan hour or so just to colour thee base of a batik shirt?


I have attended the wedding. With Top 100 Businesses That Work.

Yup, that was last week. Where for ONCE in my life I turned to jockey parking for real. Wait. I always do have jockey parking when I goes to club. I am a diva after all =P
The first time for a wedding event, I mean. Does it matter? Nah.... My point is... I don't know how many more jockey services I can afford. In future.

Sunday always leave me with room of thoughts. Rooms of worries.

I really wanted to build a studio at home. By the saying of 'build' doesn't necessarily mean that I will be investing into renovation. I just need to create that space where I can turn to for a lil' bit of artistic venture to segregate my depression towards work and life.

drawing

and more drawing perhaps

Now I am quite certain I will not be able to go up the corporate world. I am already feeling lethargic with what I am doing now. I hate reporting and forecasting and constant usage of MS Excel. It creates a procrastinator in me. I can't imagine what will I turn into if I really do got myself into an organisation that feeds on MS Excel.

 I am also beginning to shun the outside world. I no longer fancy going out anymore. OMG! What's gonna happen to all those fantastic clothes that I have bought? It's so tiring to see people and talk and smile and attempt to laugh. And it's even tiring to try to even strike up a conversation.

That explains why I hate attending wedding dinners so much. There are so many people in a hall! And you can't pretend that you are invisible and are forced to smile all the time to compliment the dress that you are wearing and also the mood of the occasion. Urghh!! Especially at my age now - a whopping 31, people are hurriedly trying to get themselves married off. And here I am pretty contented sipping sangrias and eating tapas.

A girlfriend called me the other day to ask to accompany her to the MCA's Cupid Club as she wanted to register for a matchmaking session ;) Reason? She is turning 31 and still single and the family is pestering. Guess what.. She got rejected. In a way, she was NOT QUALIFIED. because she have a degree and she is only 31 years old. Ahahahahahah!

For whatever reason, she said in the terms and conditions of participation, a woman with a Bachelor's Degree are only eligible to sign up for matchmaking or whatever session they call it when they reach 37 years old! Of course, if you only have a Diploma or a Certicate, and are still single and searching in desperation at the age or 30 or 31, then you are elligibe to join the elites there in finding your soulmate! ahahahahahhaah!!! Stupid.

Anyway, girl friend have decided to moot the idea off her intelligent brain. By 37, according to her, most probably her ovaries are dehydrated and lacks virility and most probably have very low output per capacity and getting into a relationship to bear fruits of the future might just be hopeful as drying out raisins in the backyard during rainy season.

I don't know why it has never crossed my mind that I want to go to a matchmaker's club to get guys. As it is, I can't get any guys just by sipping sangrias in diners. I failed to in catching any men at work. Most are gays or in a lesbianary position anyway. I can't get men at clubs too. Maybe I can. But I never bother. Most of them look elsewhere but your face.

The last time a guy looked at my face and says I am pretty was most probably last week. At the ATM machine in BSC, where he failed to get money from the ATM. That Mat Salleh was yapping about how he got no money to go drink in La Bodega and I am pretty and how the Porsche on display on the consourse is worth a buy. WTF... Mr Mat Salleh, I ain't gonna borrow you any money despite your compliments lor...

Point is, I don't get it why I don't fancy getting into that phase of life. I can't give an answer myself too. It seems like a total turn off in life. The last man I've met in life, refused to pay for RM17 chicken rice meal. Isn't that itself a total turn off? After that life lesson, I think it has totally given me a new perspective of men. I suppose not all men are like that! But one sour 'asam' is enough to hinder you from trying to take a pick at another..

The greatest chocolate cake ever from Cava! I don't know what it is called. I called it the 25 minutes choco cake. Yeah, you can order on the spot and it takes 25 mins to complete.

Maybe mom is right. I am a pessimist. A hater of all things lovey. I am like Schroeder of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I live under the drainage and cannot see the sunshine in life and only hope for the worst in humankind.

I can't believe I have spent 80,000 Cafe money to renovate my Datin's Joint in Cafe World Facebook ( yah, I play games too!) and have reduced the amount of people coming to my cafe! And while waiting for food to cook, I am deleting feeds of album updates from contacts who is flaunting their babies and children. \

Sunday is getting more depressing!!! I really need to start drafting out something for my coming humble lil home studio.

Now that I know that GOD hates me (mom say so), and with that small little amount of savings that I have, I always wonder what will I do when one day I am asked to leave my job.

I can't cook. I hate babies. I hate human beings too..
I don't know.
I just do not know..

A Matter of Mind

For the past couple of weeks, been contributing to the succession of Hoergarden and Kilkenny against the generic Carlsberg and Heineken. I would really like to be able to tell people that I am an alcoholics. I won't mind being labeled as a problematic person undergoing incontrollable urge to drink and labeled an alcoholic. The very least, people know me for something.. 'Hey!! That's the alcoholic bitch I told ya all about!' That's really something to put a mark in their mind. Enough to justify my presence have been felt. Though maybe in a negative way as perceived. But I do not regard that as negative. If one day people gossip about me being kept by some old fug as a sex toy, I accept with open arms and boobs. I am glad that my acts are acknowledged despite some thinking I am such a bitch.. but hey!! at least i got an old fug who can keep me.. as a pet and u have a boy friend to pay for =P
But
But
But
I am not hardcore enough to be an alcoholic.. i only get to enjoy the sinful drink when the prosecutor from terengannu returns to KL for seminars and exams..
I am also not qualified to be kept, simply because I have smaller boobs compared to the clerk next door. Who has 3 heads. Get it? Get it?   =P

Ming were telling us about the most common cause of cancer - stress. Which I pondered for 2 days.
Very true.
I have also put that in my list of possibilities that will bring to my own death.
Committing suicide, tho in the list but does not top the list.  Tho there are many a times, I felt like speeding and ram the car off the flyover. I wanted to feel what it feels like to die with flying motion..
Cutting ownself is too much a pain for coward like me. I still prefer the ramming and die of panic and got crushed and closes the chapter of life in a blink.
I also don't want to be raped to death. That's cruel. To die with no underwear intact. And end up being found in a sewage covered with everyone's poop.
Have you wondered if one can cry to death? I tried doing so and banged my head on the wall. It didn't bleed, but only damn painful. And I am worried I may turn dumber but survived.
I think I have found my own death point - cancer due to stress.
It's like a very certain thing that will materialise..Am beginning to understand how it develops too. When one is stressed, for no particularly BIG reason, complication to breathe occur. Head suddenly felt heavy. The mind often than not keep having whirlwind of stuff to think.About everything.. anything.. but all things seemed more like an issue than a solution. Everything seem to be at the wrong side of perspective..
Yes, I have this on a daily basis..
And while having whirlpool of thoughts dashing into minds, I sometimes managed to envisions stuffs and issues that I have been searching for an answer to.... among which is the principle to stand up for what you think is something that you ought to voice out. with proper facts of course and reasonable reasoning. I have forgotten these traits for some time. WHich I do realise but always brushes it off.. always reminding I am just not good enough to be opinionated. And I do not have the freedom of speech simply because I am not a perfect person.
Yes, that is just how fragile I am despite having a loud voice and daring to grab hold of people's groin just for a dare to challenge session...  :/
And today, I vow to change..drastic or not.. in fact, it's not a change.. merely back to what used to be there..
And many other things to come too... there may not be much time left, since the chances of me dying early is quite high.. so I shall and must take things one day at a time..
To make a vow is a stressful ambition. To materialise the vow made is equally stressful if not traumatically stressfull. To think of the consequences is to build more stress..
Battered stress today by falling asleep in the car for an hour in the parking lot
Tomorrow shall be better... hopefully..
What a panache... a cancerous cell... benign stress...

Be who u are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind..

u mind?

leave me alone...

i really nid to sob to detoxify the cells within...

That Long Post Not to be Wasted :)

Probably shouldn't even be posting this crap out.. But there times that I so crave attention that I need some cheap publicity!! :P

Some may think I may be depressed and got myself tangled in some complicated relationship after reading.. anyway, it was half written and have been in the draft storage for a while, with no readers.

but this is my blog and I do not see any reason why am I not allowed any mode of posting as long as I can live with people's bitching after that..

Like I always believe, life is just some running episodes like Friends, Desperate Housewives and Betty.. There are episodes and episodes... like it or not.. it just keep running.. and aren't u glad it's still running? Cus if it stops, most probably you will be 6 feet underground, all soiled and all important organs donated to some renal failure victims..

So yeah, I am a very transparent person... but it doesn't mean I am gonna go all out and tell you in details of my life from having Palmolive shower lotion for bath to having nipple stickers for a nite out in clubbing... but I am all OK in sharing my lame episodes in life that evokes a lil bit of emotion, sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but most of the time angry...

A written statement allows one to really analyse their acts..it's like getting feedback from another party, but the other party is in fact the writer him/ her self!! Get it? No?

Sometimes we have a lot of things in mind... we keep thinkign and thinking and the thinking process never stop. And you keep having lots of stuff stemming out of your thoughts.. You get more confused and nothings seems rational anymore.. So, I chose to write it down.. Just like writing essay for A levels.. :) When one writes an essay, one needs a title.. So when u have a title, u segregated all your confused thoughts and only focuses on issues related to the title. As you write, you are drawing a better pictures of the entire scenario..and TADA!!! some confusion just got clearer and POOF!!!! you may even be able to come out with a solution to it!!!.. Like what happened to me :)

If I did not clear my sms-inbox, I would have been able to set up a whole archive of your sweet notes :)

But there are just too many of them and I am using a cheap phone with limited storage. But i still have the first, the last and many in betweens that I deem important to keep and re-read once a while when I can't sleep. Wait.. most of the time I can sleep.. Just make it a point to read to have a peaceful sleep :D

One of your very first text on our very first nite out :)

No kiss, no sex, no hugs. Just merely great company.

Lakeside Terrace - the least interesting movie we opted for a first nite out. I survived.
Psst... I don't watch movies. I never accept invites to movies. But I enjoy your company watching crap movies :) which doesn't make sense. But i supposed it's the company.

I enjoy Pink Panther tho. Cos u seem to enjoy it so much :)

Pink Panther was the last we watched and got ourself 'caught'. :)

Slumdog Millionaire was supposed to be the next date. Unfortunately things gone the other way.. :(

Text message system - used to be the important mode of communication between me and boss. I am used to have overflow of text messages from boss giving out instruction. Now things are clearer in office and instruction via sms lessened. But I soooooo look forward to 10pm and above on daily basis whenever u are in town. Cos I also know you will leave some almost typical daily question for me to answer ;

YES :)

YES :)

Gosh.. if only I can archive all.. :)

Ya, there isn't much constructive conversation.. but who need constructive statement? We are not in some financial forum :) Nevertheless, it's an enjoyable process to go thru as a daily ritual :)
It has become like some sort of 'checking-on-u-to-see-if-u-r-still-alive' thing that we do. or U do.
Keeps me sane.
Of course there are times when there will be more than a question and a YES. We do talk !

Your cynical humor :)

I love long distance too. sometimes. Temporary long distance since you travel so much more than a mosquito. Temporary long distance that keep people apart makes them feel more attached and much more sensitive to feelings.

From Siam Reap with much emotion :)

I hate it when tresspasser trespass the time and decides to text me at hours when I am awaiting for your text.. The beeping of the mobile gives me blood rush... yes, im very kan cheong :D

stop sms-ing me!!!

From Singapore after a Merlot :P

stop sms-ing me!!!

I don't really need bushes of flowers. Nor do I need the fattening chocolate. I am all fine with your company. It was a great company provided. I am all fine walking under the hot sun despite some minor rants.. I am all fine sitting on the fine sand, doing nothing.

NOW??

What am I up to now?? Seriously missing you :(

As usual, what can I possibly do? Nope. Nothing. I spent all my time doing nothing.

But then.. I got to realise that maybe, maybe (tho i hope NOT) these are all illusions created by me. Maybe. Maybe you never wanted to be in this situation. YOu have your dream to see the world before the world see you 5 feet under.

YES :)

Seriously, I am confused to what was the question. But I would hope that the question was ;

"ARE WE BEING EXCLUSIVE NOW?"

If so, then it's a YES YES YES, please. Thank you very much.

I am still trying to figure out if you have ever asked me any other question like ;

- do u like dogs?

- shall we have pancakes and ice creams?

- can u get naked in front of me?

- can u drive me around to do my chores?

I can't recall at all -__- ...............................................................................

:D

Ahahahha.... See? When u take note of your life.. you can really see how silly you can be..

I saw how silly I was.. :)

But let bygones be bygones....

I actually had a continuation to the post. maybe I'll do it another round when I really have nothing much to do...

:) FYI, things were no longer that rosy as what you can see in the post.. It has gotten so.. sien, mundane, fucked up bland as time goes..

I guess that is human nature... people are sometimes ...... fuckin shitty ... I dunno how to even describe... All I can say is it really does take 2 hand to clap.. but when you get to know that your hands are merely needed just to assist in the clap and nothing else, do not be despair..

Look on the bright side... You have just created another brilliant episode in your life and time to move on to a new episode tomorrow :)

Ahh... tomorrow is another bright day!! hmm.. what should I wear? The plunging neckline or the skydiving super high slit skirt? what about both??

oohh...... I think I saw a macho hunk passing by... * pulls blouse lower*

See ya all later !!!!

* pulls blouse more lower *

Do U Know What I Do??

To most, i seem free..
When asked, people knows I do batik.
But do u know batik is a process? It's not what I really do?As in that's not my profession? That is merely a process widely known to make colourful fabrics for arts and fashion purposes.
And saying that I do batik merely means that I am in an industry which does that particular process. By saying that I do batik does not mean I am literally, virtually, visibly, physically free !!! Cus i work!! I do have a job with a specific job scope that comes with a lengthy description on how do I go about in that particular position of mine.
By saying that I do batik does not mean I only start work when I am inspired to draw and design.No, I do not draw nor do I design for a living. I do not stand along batik frames determining sizes of the motifs that is to be drawn. I also do not just sit and hope that creative juice will come and make me do more designs just to upload into Facebook for your watching and amusement, just to get your compliments..Even if I were to say that I DO BATIK, have you ever wondered what do I do with the batik that I did? Assume that I draw and design. If I keep doing that every single day, I would have plentiful of batik fabrics. If you do not receive a piece if batik from me, have you ever wondered where does the batik goes?? Did it ever occured to anyone of you whee does it goes??
Or maybe most think I draw when the creative juices flow, then have all the fabrics displayed in some carts or kiosk in some poorly populated malls. Have you also ever figured if I were to do so, would I still be able to meet up with you for lunches, dinners or any other activities?Have anyone of you also wonders why my nails are clean and are not tainted with paints or whatsoever? And also I wear heels and nice clothes when I see any of u? Instead of me seeing you in stained hand, and poorly bleached t-shirts ( this is what the batiker normally wears)?This is because batik is just and INDUSTRY i am in!!! Not what I do!!! If i say i am in semiconductor, does it mean i start soldering component boards????
Have you also wondered why there are restaurants which is secluded, with not very tasteful food prepared by immigrants from Burmese can have loads of buses of corporate clients coming for teambuilding dinners or so? Have you also every thought how the hell does the ikan keli breeder manages to flock off all his breeding in the ponds?? Do you also know that now, the tongkat ali drinks have come out with a new version called " Sparkling Tongkat Ali" ?And who the hell do you think initiates or create awareness to all these?? It's a fraction of the population who took up the responsibility to do sales and marketing.
Yes, I am a sales and marketing manager !!!! I am not trying to be an arrogant bitch to stress i am a MANAGER. am merely telling all of you who is not aware that I HAVE A JOB TOO AND ITS NOT BATIK!!. I am a salesperson, literally. In any case some of u may have mistaken me for a clerk who just sit in the office and waits for request to perform any task which may not be of any benefits to the company where I am attached, let me tell u... that is not my job description..
Whatever churned out from that humble production of ours, I need to figure who is gonna buy those stuff. And again, I dont hog my own desk waiting for the possibilities of u, u or u to ring me up and maybe offer to buy. I make calls, I make more calls, I see people and I see more people, presenting what I do and trying to propose 1001 ideas to sell what we are churning out..If by any chance anyone of u are able to meet me up during lunches, dinners, jogging session, movies or any other events that may seem to imply i do not really have a proper job, let me tell u.. I DO.. just like anyone of u..
I do not go around making justice reading law, I do not go around talking about finances and being president of some banks, I do not go around diagnosing what is the type of flu u may be having, I do not go around talking about news from Microsoft on some latest software development..
It just so happen I seem to be in a different industry than most of you are. but at least I have a job, and I can still afford activities like anyone of u.. (most activities)So, please do not think that I have NOTHING much to do whenever u catch me free.. thats' just how we sales people are supposed to be, accomodating to everyone's need -- if possible.
I will tell you I am free even when I am driving without a handfree.
I will also tell you I am free even when I may be in the midst of a discussion.
I am also free when I am in the midst of preparing proposal within datelines ( yes, batik people do do proposal like u corporate people)
I am always free for anyone of you.. but it does not mean that I am totally free with no work!
We are just a bunch of accomodating species who have been trained to have a soft spot for people who may want to spend some time on catching up, maybe with a lil business prospect..
Then there are times when I declined and said I am not free - it may have meant :-
1- i really am not free - like maybe visiting the Prime Minister
2- i really am not keen to see you at that time:)
Summing it up, I hope all of you do know/ am aware / are made known that besides the normal profession, normal industry that you are in, there are normal people like me out there who also have a normal job, tho in rare indsutry but still having an equally tough job scope as you do.

I am sad..

Good day..

And I shall not pay tax because

you cow- dung- blue- uniform- t-shirt -with- half- a- star -pin- on -your -shoulder officer are delaying my precious travelling time by making the most strategic move to have a road block during lunch hour just to grab hold of some darn frak-tard motorcyclist who may look like some Indonesian chap or resemble your junk-addict brother just so you can scam some money out of these junkard spesies !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously.... why can't u blu collar officer think wiser??? All because you people have got nothing much to do to impress the new minister, u gotta go create a bottleneck in the main road of Jalan Kepong / Jalan Kuching just so u can stop some poor looking motobikes whose driver may have forgotten to renew their RM30 license???

WHY THE FRAK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that's why I keep telling you people why I won't be paying for tax. Again. This year. After last year.

Thank you very much.

CONFESSION FROM A LOSING END..

I love to write. I enjoy the time spent on penning down thoughts.
As much as i hate making this a plaform of frust-vending, or shrieking in disgust to my friends who may not mind to listen to my horrible stories of pathetic life, I really do not have much of a choice. before may hand slip off and get hold of a molotov and shove it at someone.

And the chances of me getting caught again for bitching is probably 75%. Yeah, I calculated the risk despite the fact that the blog name have been changed. IP address still same mah...

Then again, I am not allowed to carry a sunken-blacken-chicken face in reality. At least let me do it here!!!

Many a times, i sat and ponder, where did i go wrong. I really did think hard. I made some comparison. I really do. Then I try to relate how I can go wrong. Tho i dun get it, i pretend to be wrong at situation where I am not in the wrong side of it.

Along the journey I have learnt so much to let it be. I have understand the demeaning factor of not to be bothered despite earthquake from the neighbour. Then at times, the small faction of emotion and displeasure just didnt do much to help me ignore the catastrophe of surrounding.

Ma just came back from the numerologist's place. I was told next year, nothing will go well with me. That I should do more charity. REALLY do more charity. Like go donate rice to the orphanage, give money to the old folks home.
It did struck my mind why is it not karmic enough when I loaned 1000 bucks to someone who need help and he is nowhere to be seen.
That I loaned another 250 bucks to a divorcee so she can pay her car instalment and she went missing.
That I constantly buy stuff for the Indon worker so he will hav more food for dinner than packing an egg to be boiled and heated alon the rice in the rice cooker.
That I never fail to do most of my frens a favour as and when requested.
That I do not really claim excessively and sometimes forgo expenses I've spent for work.
That is not marmic enough?? Fine !! :(

Somehow the devil in me seems to grow at drastic rate than the karmic side of me. I am quite sure I will go straight to hell with all the swearing I've made. All the curse. I hope the written ones here will not be considered as curse, cus it didnt come out from my mouth. No?

But I know I am not gonna go to hell on my own. Despite my bad mouthing and cruel writing, I am certain there is someone else who will head the same path as I do. Cus they are just born with .....

This is about all the bad things U did? Or about your lack of common sense. . Well, you have always been outstanding with your lack of common sense. At least to me, that's how I distinguish u.

I am beginning to understand why most of the people who survive in the rat race somehow or rather do not really require much academic skills or integrity. All they need is a heart crude enough to cast a virtually pleasant facade despite the rotting faeces in between. And it's usually people of such genus who will survive well in the rat race.
Wait, where is this post heading to...

My day was never bad. Till U decide to come and ruin it up for me.
Do not blame me if you have impaired vision, impaired mental complexity to get to know the differences of Invoice, Develiry (yes, that's how u pronounce Delivery, case u cant recall) Order, Purchase Order.

As far as I am concerned, suppliers are issued Purchase order and not Invoice. And purchasee are issued Develiry order, not Develiry Order to Supplier. Invoices are to people who buy your stuff, not people who try to sell you stuff .. u got it boh???

And oohhh!!! U sure wont have guessed this!! Someone called the lady whom u threatened to fire, whom u have bitched about in outrageous complexity to the paymaster. And she is now sitting at home jobless and she did not really blame you for yelling at her and asking her to resign. I think she have got a blessing thru all this. At least she does not have to go thru your stupidity in senses and take order from someone who cant seem to be able to derive the meaning of running numbers in documents..

And also all the previous cases which causes a lot of stress in human resources.. thanks to you.. I now realised its not really me.. its just how u deal with it.. but as long as u r happy, I am fine..

Which reminds me... u really have agitated me by pretending that you do not know that u are creating a new sheet of invoice. When I so remembered i uttered these : This is a quote, and this is the old invoice. Can you re-do this invoice based on my quote and follow the same format of the invoice HERE?
U did not ask if it's a revise / new / or i- simply- ask -u- to- do- to- fill -up -ur- time invoice. And did it not occur to you that both the items from the quote and the old invoice is the same? EACTLY same but differ in quantity? And did u not realised that the client is a first timer? FIRST TIMER? and there have been so much hoo-haas on getting the client tat everyone know this is THE FIRST ORDER? PESANAN BARANG KALI PERTAMA??
So very first that not even the goods from the order have been out.

NOPE!! I do not know what's in your dumphuck mind. I really have no idea. I may be sexually deprived that I may have irregular disorder in rationale. But I am sure u r not sexually deprived rite????????????????
So why do u even say u do not know what is the freaking document for and u simply do it??
(I swear I so want to swear at your dumphuck innocent-looking expression) Only to leave a big yell at my face from the paymaster??

Ohh... and your 10 mins of equiries to the 4 telcos company operator of the same telco company who did not get what u are trying to relate and ai have to reach the phone 4 times to assist you in -- nope, it does not prove I am better than you. it just prove that you ... you go figure.. maybe its not u.. its just that ALL 4 of the operators are just dumphuck (like u) :S

U have master your skills of diverting the worst for others that I do not even feel a need to defend my sane self. .. Thanks to you I have learn to be a performer who accepts all.. Shout if u all need to.. Throw stuff on my desk if there is a dire to do so..

I AM SO TIRED OF U PEOPLE, THAT ITS NO LONGER HILARIOUS!!!!!

People of the same mind flock together.. that's what people always say.
And I do not wish to be flocking with the rest of you..

I felt hilarious. I felt ridiculous. I felt immaculately insane!!!
But I know the path only have 2 roads... and definitely we do ot walk the same path..
neither do I want to be holding your hands and walking towards hell..

I would like to end this by still pondering what could I have done wrong. I sort of figured these out :-

-I have bad managerial skills I am not able to produce good staff.
-I have OCD in dealing with matters/ issues / people/ environment
-I am not qualified to even be on par with the rest of you productive people
-My sales is so bad I dont think I deserve a say in any aspect ( yup, I hav stopped saying anything)
- I M REALLY NO GOOD IN MY JOB I SHUD REALLY OPT TO SURRENDER.


Sigh.

And I would like to present you a Darwin Award :)
I figure u deserve one of it based on your story here

Darwin nominee : Ah moi, is this roll of paper here 7meter?
(holding a bag with a roll of paper labelled with a sticker that reads - 7 METER
of paper)

Ah moi : Well, what do u see on the label?

Darwin nominees : It says here 7meter of paper.

Ah moi : well, then have u figured out if that ROLL is
7meter?? -______-

And u have officially got yourself an award.

Dear Award Winner,

SAYA MEMANG SUDAH KETIH DAN TAK BERMAYA NAK LAYAN KERENAH U.
KENAPA? KENAPA SAYA????
AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think ...

I really do think that ;

1- all women drivers should emulate me when parking. Most of u ladies took too much time to park! Why drive a bull Avanza when u dare not and have much hesitation to reverse park?
2- life is never fair. Some gt to have hair extension for RM700 and i am contemplating if i should be spending RM21 to buy a hair colorant or get some gay men to do it with streaks of highlight for less than RM120
3- all bitch-tard* should go to a reserve land in Tg Sepat and plant their own crops and rear love child, play with vibrators and do not come and irritate people with their unstable, easily-provoked emotion.
4- there really is nothing wrong with me and my character. Its just that I am what I am after being insanely ill-treated wth much prejudism by all of U !!
5- some people should learn to take control of themselves in the office!! in the park, in the malls and everywhere where public are involved. others do not deserved to be insulted by U just because u are either lacking or have over abuse estrogen intake in your daily supplement.
6- ex-es ( gfs or bfs shud learn to take a grip and not whine after the end of the chapter). And I am so gonna blog about U very soon!! )
7- I can make a lot of changes in perspective to the people in Lao PDR :D
8- I have found a place that Iwould love to be involved and contribute my effort in. But there are too many unnecessary hurdles of emotion shattering my determination.. well, i supposed i got to bring my eagerness elsewhere and it better be soon..
9- porn is unnecessary to promote erection or ejaculation or any sort of arousal. I personally think porn is like watching a horror story of the CSI agents dissecting some dead one's anatomy and u get 250% zoomed up shots of someone's labia erectico in over-used mode and almost ripe to drop off any time.. *shivers* and how can these promote arousal? i felt like having been shoved a rubber dildo and forced to chew on it!!!
10- I am an emo-freak.. and all this unnecessary stress relating u, u and u out there moulding a stronger me..

wtf..

work still not done, color pencils still intact, designs still not drawn..

wtf..

When Coffee Just Cant Help Ya..

I have fallen in love ...
Very seldom I do fall in love...
In fact the possibility for loe to fall on me is rare...
Its always flings...
Or sometimes merely lust...
But I am serious this time...

I LOVE ........

LG KS360

The LG qwerty phone.. I am still not able to define what is meant by qwerty, maybe its cutie, sweetie, quirky..
I do not know how do people send MMS, I cant differentiate WAP and 3G or GPRS. None of the abbreviation excite me.
I only know -to receive call -to make call - to receive sms - to send sms
I also do not know what number to call back to the operator of the telco that I subscribe..
But it desnt matter..
I am still so in love with the qwerty phone!!!!!
Thank you for making me realise I still have the ability to love!!!

Back to real life now :(
I suspect I still have a contact len folded somewhere in my cornea since last week.
The stupid ankle is still in pain and in fact swollen from stepping to a concealed power plug void on the floor.
Am still not able to master 3rd speed of Chowka No.6 in my odissi ..
Sales report still dwindles and swindles .. gawd!!!!
Work... sigh.. pigh.. ligh....
And I thought a week of breakaway to the land where people dont rush (PDR -Lao) would bring back a full geared bean.. nop.. it didnt work...
The bean is soooo exhausted, so misaligned...
Everyday seem to consist of only 2 hours..
Never seem enough to get everything together in pieces..
Too short to even finish up the caffeine in the glass..
Doesnt seem sufficient to reply and to send out as many emails..

Then

At another angle things seems to not fall it its own place...
Some took too long..
Some went off and did not come back.. (i thought its a boomerang process!!)
Some return with a miniscule of hope after much effort thrown in..
Things just did not go where its supposed to be!!!

There were so many plans to execute and to implement..
There were aspirations..
There is these glitches and sudden glimpse that appear in the mind just before dozing off to sleep..
its the excitement to start a new day immediately tomorrow and make a difference..
Then the hope slums when the day arrive!!
Why??
Oh Why??

Mundane Sunday

Sunday sunday very mundane..
Sunday morning gives u an energetic mode to utilise the entire day on strategising what is to be done when Monday blues hurricane arrives the next day.
I swear I have so much plan to implement on a Sunday now that I seldom go out hiking on Sunday morning...
I gotta plan for my small little 'workshop' next door :) do a lil bit of costing to see how much it will cost me
I gotta plan for coming Chinese New Year, on things I can adorn this small home of mine so it won't look poor, when some bastards decides to come visiting..
I gotta browse the webs for more contacts to call, hoping the data derived wud last me a week before the next Sunday arrives..
I gotta start utilise all the books I've bought and start learning Japanese and learn ablout business from Michael Gerber!

I N S T E A D

All i did on a Sunday was and is and will only be ;

Wake up at 12.30pm only to reach the remote and watch Melodi to see if the recent Malay artistes have gotten divorce or not.
Look in the friedge and look in the wallet to see if its worth it for me to steam some edibles from lasw week remains as lunch or spare RM4.50 for food downstairs.
Stare at the backpack and rest of junk on the floor that i am supposed to return to a fren after borrowing for like... ages?
Voila, its almost 4pm and time to get ready for a jog!!
And there goes a day.. where I will be out and back after 9pm :(

I HATE SUNDAYS...

:(

A Week Of Planning

There is too much exitement post Raya holidays..

I have developed a new sense of bravery to do things I wont attempt doing. (This is besides karaoke and watching movies).

I have been told to be positive instead of having qualms in many situations I am to face. And I have chosen the positive side of a very negative situation to dabble myself into.

People always said, 'Life is so short. Have no qualms. Just do it before u die with regrets.'

Took me a very long time to digest and analyse what is to be done just by doing and what i not to be done with less consideration.

What would have been the trigger point of someone doing something that they think they ought to do?

Would you quit your job and go round the world help the poor when you cant even take care of your mom?

Would you bed with someone for the sake of moneyjust so you can afford a Prada?

Would you drive and hit someone that u thought should die because he / she did no good to the society?

Would you do drugs just because people says it will make you go cloud nine when u are troubled?

Would you also decide to suddenly strip naked and hop around the lobby lounge of a hotel?
(ok, maybe not this scenario)


Would you be able to provide free 'bed session' just so that some one is satisfied and your leisurely hobby is completed too?

It didnt took me long to make up my mind to do things that I have neve ventured into before (like karaoke and watching movie, - yeah, that's what I mean. :D )

Anyway, yeah, I have a few scenarios which led me to apt decision making. Which I think I made pretty well a decision.. at that time of making it.. I hope.. U__U

Decision are made and waited for the result. What was hoped for did not materialised :(
Yup, all went out of the expectation. On a negative side, I should blame the boobs. (yeah, it involves the boob) On a positive side, I think god loves me to the extreme He wont allow anything bad to land on me.... awwwww, thank u God ! (tho I was hoping to get the 10k and also the 2k worth of lingerie) - see why i blame the boob?

Now I start to get it when people say " Manusia hanya boleh merancang, tapi Tuhan yang menentukannya" and sure did I rancang a lot man... only to be give a no by the almighty.

Now i feel better. Though the plans did not work well..