I Am All Fine

I guess it isn't a new kinda news.
To announce that I am resigning.
From a job that comes with so much love-hate relationship over the 3 years and 8 months I have been babysitting it.

I've been getting a lot of  these;
'So, how now?'
'OMG! What are you going to do now?'
'Eh better don't la. Economy not good.'
'Then what are you going to do?'
'Where are you going?'
'I can't believe it! I thought you are the boss!'

There's no denying that I  do love my job a lot.
Despite the consistent rant about sleeping at 3am.
I chose reading emails over sleep.
Despite the constant screaming that I contribute to the office.
Which I consider is positive feedback for all not to repeat the same mistake.

I love the thrills of problem-solving.
The crises that appears.
The non-replied messages about what are we going to do now that Samsung Note7 is halting the launch.
That fight to gain back my chance to be able to sell the Morphy Richards range under the company.
It's all very stressful and emotional at the same time.
Perhaps to some, these are really unnecessary.
But I just love these hurdles and bumps that makes me want to do better.

Being able to solve each crisis, one by one is like being able to tick off a sort of To-Do List.
Again, perhaps I am really asking for it.
I cannot imagine life without bumps. That would be too much of a comfort zone.
And I most probably would have left way earlier than this  3 years and 8 months.

Am I in a comfort zone? I don't know. It's definitely not as comfortable as I would have imagined it to be. But I still look forward to it.

Something has been bothering me for the past year and I guess it has amassed itself to a bigger molecule that it can no longer be stored in my sanity zone.
I have to accept the fact that I cannot change what is to come and what has already arrived.
Productivity of everyone have been sacrificed to make way for something.

Being able to please seems to be one of the surviving skills required.
I don't have an issue with pleasing customers and I think I have been doing great.
Many of them who have turned into great friends with a listening ears.

I sometimes think I myself is a living proof of my hardwork. It's not easy to mainain that.
I cannot tell you just how tired I am at times that I  have to hide in the toilet, cover my mouth, weep like tsunami is gonna kill me, repeat that for a minute or two and then wipe off all the tears and make-up stain and continue working.

Perhaps this is no longer an essential. Perhaps there are other things that one can replace hardwork with.
Call me ego, but I never do like to waste time on time-waster. Specimen who walk around trying to be bossy and pleasant at the same time but having the face of a wicked century old witch.
But then again, how to avoid such specimen? Because they are everywhere.

I remember what Sha-Lene told me. It's never these people who comes in with an attitude who is at fault, It's the system, the organization or whatever that lures them in, that brings to the downfall. And to make it worst, they keep breeding!

Many times I feel helpless when I hear the rambling of the juniors who are told to do stupid and zero productive task. With objectives that non of us can decipher. I wish I could do something.  But I am nobody. I can't even help myself, let alone them :(

I was told to just ignore it and keep hanging on.
Because end of the day, we are not able to do anything.
IGNORE and HANG ON?

That's just like spotting someone cutting the strap of a leather bag slowly and steadily while the owner of the bag is busy digging her red bean soup while we put a bet if the owner will realise?

Or watching some migrants killing a dog and scrapi its hair only to boil it later and have it cooked and all we can do is snap a selfie in front of the scene?

Or watching a toddler being abused but we just continue minding our own business.

I feel like a totally irresponsible piece of faeces if I were to ignore and hang on.
I have been ignoring and hanging on to a level which is steering off my conscience.
Would I be promoted if I IGNORE and HANG ON?
Would I get all that I want in an organization if I IGNORE and HANG ON?

But what about the need to progress at work?
The need to excel at what one do best?
The need to being acknowledged because of your hardwork?
What about the progress of the team?
What about even considering how does one create a strong team?

Not being able to enforce a same vision to the rest of them team is most probably my biggest failure.
Wait.
It can't be me. I never do had a chance to.
I really did work hard in hope to elevate myself up so I would be able to consolidate those the like minded to move forward.
I really did pour my all.
But I forgot.
I am not good enough.
And that this is just a mind game.
To plough all my energy and converting it into manual labour.

To leave a  job which gives you a fixed income is difficult.
But my mind is drained and I can no longer contain the disappointment with how things go.
This is the time to let go.
To finally let go of that singular dream, that is most probably only in my mind, but was never in others' mind.
I am awake now. That it takes alot more than a singular effort.

So, yah. I don't know where I will be heading to.
And I am not even looking for now.
Because I am too tired chasing wind.

No one is going to believe me though.
Because Cynthia Lee is known for being a passionate worker and even dreams alot about work and talks about nothing but more work.

All I want to do is to look at things at a positive perspective,
While reminding myself to always uphold the integrity and discipline when performing any kind of work.
Because I still believe that hardwork will pay off one day.
Maybe not here.
But somewhere.

I have a supportive husband.Who will give his all to ensure his emotional wife is free from any emotional distress and do not mind going the extra mile to have a few round of Uber after work to earn some extra cash.

I am fine for now.

Thank you.

I just woke up the other day and had this thing in my mind :/

*On another note, if you know me well about how i work and you have job offers, offer me! haha!

Ariana Grande in my dream

sometimes we wish
sometimes we ponder
about things that revolves around our life
mundane as it is
but never any easier than one may have thought


never tell a seamstress that its easy to sew
when you cannot tell the complexity of a pattern cut
sometimes i wish i am doing something with people who have the same passion and vision
because happiness is derived when you share the joy of seedlings

i have changed
i have changed so much it scares me
because i no longer correct what's right
all i care about is my 'tepi kain'
because all i want to do now is to attain freedom

i have changed
i don't feel me anymore
with no integrity
with no compassion
all i want is freedom
from this loose hell of blazing heat


i feel so negative
that my visions to sanity keep blurring my senses
i feel so angry
towards myself towards the surrounding
because i no longer sense the aroma of progress

sometimes i wish i am ariana grande
because all i wanna do is to sing it all out
in my pretty dresses and flawless makeup

Going The Other Way

In a few months time. I will most probably be very consistent in updating my blog and also YourShoppingKaki.
Till today, I cannot imagine what will life be then after putting this decision to act. I am worried, while slightly positive that things we be okay.

I love my current job. Despite the challenges, the less than structured work-flow, the people who have so little passion towards developing to a greater organisation, but merely want a good take-home pay, I still love my job in a peculiar way. Yeah, I supposed I love the sensation of being under pressure and being in control and being part of the decision making process. I like the thought of having my decisons, opinions and feedback taken into consideration. OK, I am bossy. And I can afford to be one here... O.o

I think everyone can see it how I have been lacking this year.My thoughts too have changed and my motivation lost. In a lot of my previous post, anger is what seems to be cornering me. I failed to understand that sometimes we just cannot control what comes into a situation. And I guess i have failed to blend myself to eat up the outcvome for each situation. Yes, I cannot and I hate failing. I cannot eat the fact up that my thoughts are not taken into consideration just because somebody else have a higher title and I ought to eat the shit below them. It's very depressing. I don't know how some people deal with it. I just cannot bend myself down and eat the shit. It is like you are being sexually harassed and are forced to eat up the truth in order to stay put to your job.

I didn't get harassed or anything. In most cases, the harassment comes from me as I cannot tolerate the fact that I have to get things done in a stupid manner in order to COMPLY. So yeah, I could be an egoistic person. But I vouch to stand up for what's right and what's best for an organisation.

Over time, I have come on terms with going on with the flow. Doing whatever needed to survive and I think it's not bad a progress for someone with an ego harder than a rock. But all this have given me a very weak heart. I am losing passion at work. Because I am now like any other ladies in the neighbourhood who only wanted a pay cheque at the end of the month.

I lost my direction and I lost my drive and leadership. I am slowly becoming one who waits for lunch and later on clocking off time.

So yeah, I have made up my mind to end this.
Soon.

People have been advising me not to take such abrupt decision as times are bad.
Except those who are very close to me  agrees to the fact that I can do a lot better on my own or that I deserve somewhere else who will appreciate my effort and skills.

There is no right or wrong to a decision. This I have come to term. I will just have to make the extra effort to make it right to my thoughts/

Wish me luck.

Tougher Than A Wish

When I ponder deeper, seriously u were never in my mind. Because u don't deserve any form of respect. Come to think of it it's shameful that all that u have are bought, including that forced smirk from those around u. 

Everyday there's stories about you being a cockerel. Carrying your name up your nose, you are living up to your cockiness. Like a bird showered with alcohol, all you ever know is to make noise.
The kind of noise that even Donald Trump may defeat under your presidential ego. 

Looking at you doing your antics, there's a mix feeling - it feels like a fake tsunami over us. A very fucking fake but strong one that you have to do on purpose because that is just what you are good at. Zilch.
Every time you roar in your evil laugh, I close my eyes.
Telling myself it can't be true that such a fossilised specimen like u still exist. I secretly hope you disappear. 

I don't know what tomorrow will be but I think there will be no peace as long as u are here, seated in your grand china garnished with poisonous green.

I hope u have dengue. Deadly or not but at least a week without your radiation can help to minimise the cancer cell in everyone....

But What About Me

I was told by a colleague that for any matters that may arise and provoke some individuals to bark despite at the wrong tree, just keep quiet. As long as the barking one is happy, then let them be.

But what about me?
I am not happy at all.

If this is a fierce animal passing by and our lives are at stake, perhaps that's the best way to it.
But aren't we professionals in our job and everyone is hired to do theirt job regardless of hierarchy?

To most of their understanding, our aim is to please. Because we are paid employees.
Yes, I am a Paid employee. being paid to do my job, to excel in my job and hopefully sharpen my skills and eventually being able to bring me up the corporate ladder and of course contribute to the progress of an organisation - where I am being paid.
Not to stand by the side and see if others need a help to undress their panty just because they cannot go to the toilet unassisted (hypothetically)..

Just what about me and what I want in life too?
Besides trying to please others who are more keen to let the day dwindle and live the rest of their life sucking off with no proper skill?

I don't know.
I just cannot live to please people just so they can shut their mouth and provide some peace to the whole scene.

No, this is not the way.
This is not how an office run.

Just what about me?